(Be forwarned: My most emo, self-indulgent post to date)
Unemployment is like a broken quick time event. You wake up each day and follow the onscreen instructions but no matter how many times you mash the appropriate button it never seems to register. You sit there waiting for your reward but all the work and worry seems to be for naught.
What sucks is that it really was not supposed to be this way, not for me at least. Trust me, I know how foolish a sentiment that is. I myself have criticized people in the past for thinking that way. “I'll never be robbed!” “I'll never be raped!” “I'll never get into an accident because texting while drunk and stoned and driving in the snow!” But honestly, I did think my chances of finding some sort of permanent work. I mean, for the most part I'm a straight arrow. I am the very definition of a square. I rarely drink and hardly ever to excess. All through college I was in a monogamous long term relationship that eventually resulted in a marriage. I worked hard, got decent grades. I may not have been the cream of the crop but I can definitely say I was smarter than a lot of the people that spent their undergraduate years screwing around.
And yet here I sit, nine months later and as far as I can tell a lot of those people are working somewhere, whereas every job I've applied and interviewed for has been a no. I can't pinpoint anything I'm doing wrong and my resume isn't all that shabby, so all I can figure it to be is bad luck.
The funny thing is that by the end of college I had grown into a bit of an existentialist. I fully believed that to achieve my goals in life all I needed was the skill and will to achieve my goals, which for their part, were not overly ambitious. All I want is a job so my wife and I can afford to get our place, maybe a video game here and there and then someday it would be nice to write a book if I could muster the talent. I've since learned that skill and will are nothing if no one will hire your, and as much as I hate it I am forced to leave my present life in the hands of those strangers who can say yay or nay to me as a prospective employee.
I despise not having control of my life. Again, I know that sounds stupid because what with all the requisites of modern living, no one really has control over their life. We all have to deal with bills, laws and those damned obligations to visit our far off loved ones every now and then. I suppose all I miss is the illusion of control, because at least when I'm working I have the money to pretend I have a handle on the day to day crap that makes up life.
I suppose that's why I'm looking forward to God of War III so much. I've always loved the series. After all, what is there not to love about butchering your way through hordes of mythological characters? That said, with my recent difficulties it has been nice at times to have outlets of escape where in I can at least pretend that I can shape the world, rather than world shaping me.
Because really that is what serves as the very heart of Kratos' character. As much as he might sometimes resemble a massive, goatee sporting toddler throwing fatal tantrums at times, he essentially just the ultimate, violent existentialist. Nothing, not even the gods themselves can control him because he simply refuses to be beaten. If an obstacle stands in his path he just smashes through it. If he dislikes the decisions of an authority figure he sticks them with the Blades of Chaos and that's that.
I am not a particularly violent man, but sometimes I envy that sort of power and attitude, fictional as they may be. A part of me really wishes that my sheer force of will (and bulging pectorals of course) were enough to stop the world from jerking myself and my wife around. You don't want to hire me, well I'll just have to decapitate you now won't I?
But alas, I'm just a man, muddling his way through life hoping that tomorrow will be the day that my button mashing pays off and I finally land a job. In the mean time I'll just have to settle for ripping of Helios' head. God I can't wait for that game.
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