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Faking it: Sure, I listen to some metal


Hi, Siddartha here.  I don’t know why you’d ever have to fake liking heavy metal.  I'm trying to imagine a situation where it's critical to pretend to like this niche but amazing genre of music, but it's tough.  All I can come up with, is the movie xXx.  If you ever have to infiltrate Anarchy 99 and save the world, some of these techniques might come in handy:

Basic Level

  1. People hate “nu metal”, so maybe you do too? What is nu (new?) metal?  I legitimately have no idea. Much like “emo”, it’s a catch-all name for some stuff people don’t like.  Emo works for this too.  If pressed, say it sounds "fake" or "artificial" or some other synonym for fakeness.   You’ll look like a whiny little shit, but one who cares about their music, which still counts.  This is in “Basic Level” for a reason.  It’s absolute tadpole-level BS.  Avoid it unless you just have nothing else.  If somebody tries to force you to name a nu-metal band, point behind them and run off.  Just book-it with whatever you’re holding, you’ve been made as a phony!  Or you can say Limp Bizkit or Papa Roach or something that got radio-play in the 2000s.
  2. In general, don’t complain about something you don’t know, unless somebody else does it first. Then, follow their lead and hold on tight.  This applies to a lot of topics, where you need to BS with somebody.  But be careful!
  3. Trickster Mode: You like the thing they don't like, for the reason they don’t like it. They hate keyboard?  You’re all about it.  They hate sludge?  You sludge-it-up.  This lets you off the hook for knowing any of their bands, because presumably you’ve got a stable of your own.  They’ll assume you listen to dozens of bands they’ve never even heard of.  This is based on people actually hating my taste in music, for the reasons I like it for.  It sounds authentic, because it’s based on something real.  Me.  I am real.
  4. Use that gun with the fake squib-bullets, to pretend-kill your local police contact.  This makes you look legit criminal to Yorgi and will get you in.

Intermediate Bullshittery: The part where you start using Google

  1. Learn a shit-ton of band names. Like bullets in your machine gun, you can’t have too many.  You’ll look like a motherfucking beast and be praised for your fertility…just so long as nobody asks too many questions.  Maybe keep a few album titles in your bandolier, like grenades.  Just don’t mix-up the wrong albums and bands.
  2. Find a metal band that’s changed lead singers more than once (the easiest thing you may do on this earth). Then look them up and learn everything about them.  Become the Ian Malcolm of that one band.  When a band has been through more than 2 singers, the number of facts and stories you can harvest goes way-up.  Better yet, you can easily form a fake preference for a singer, with a list of reasons why, without listening to a single fucking song ever.  Just find a forum or YouTube comments section and look for angry people.  Harvest their bullshit.
  3. Use a silver platter from a fancy restaraunt to blind the sniper trying to kill you.  Then use it to grind a sick rail.  This is stupidly impossible, but it looks very extreme.
  4. Look up the major sub-genres and what they generally are. Then look up the most popular bands in those genres.  This is a good idea in general.  Hell, it’s a decent way to legitimately get into heavy metal.

Advanced Tricks: Are you even still faking it anymore?

  1. Know some songs by heart. This may require you to actually like them.  In that case, you’ve left the purview of a guide about faking it.  But liking one thing can give you a pass for not knowing something else.  Remember that.  You can use it for misdirection, if there's something else you don't know.
  2. Know about Judas Priest and Black Sabbath: Most metal today, in some way, is descended from either the faster, punk-like style of Priest or the slower, Satan-inspired, story-telling style of Sabbath. That’s just about exactly what you need to know to sound like a professor.  Still don’t have to listen to anything.
  3. Speaking of Judas Priest, talk about kink in heavy metal.  You can say anything, just point it out. This one feels like you’re not even faking it anymore, since you’re making a pithy observation.  But you still don’t have to listen to jack shit.  It’s misdirection again!  You’re using your knowledge of one thing (what kink looks like, which is fucking obvious), to mask ignorance of something else.
  4. Race your muscle car alongside a speeding submarine drone, harpoon it, windsail behind it using the harpoon cable, and then zipline down to it.  Then yell "Welcome to the Xander Zone!" before disarming a missile by pulling a handle.

Of course, you can also just ask questions and learn something.  Which is what you probably should do.  Better yet, get cracking on the internet and jump in!  Forget faking it.  Form some real opinions.  Then get replaced by Ice Cube.

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About siddartha85one of us since 1:07 PM on 07.18.2011