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Revelations 2012 [review]

As much as I respect and love Jim as a journalist, there is one point I have to make about his review of Revelations 2012. Jim was wrong -- so wrong about the game, he couldn’t have possibly been further from the truth about this game. Revelations 2012 isn’t anywhere near as bad as Jim has made it out to be.

It’s worse.

Breaking your arm? Insta-death

Revelations 2012 (PC)
By: Dark Artz Entertainment

Even by reading the description on Steam’s storefront, this game screams of a cheap cash-in. The story is supposedly about how the end of the Mayan Calendar is upon us and the entire world has to be saved by a British archeologist with a southern accent and problems with overactive erectile dysfunction, and three other random white people of various issues. It is more than likely deeper than that, but due to nearly the entire story being contained in the opening sequence that found me nearly tossing my monitor into a crib full of small kittens, I had to stop watching. The rest of the storyline can essentially be summed up as murdering various Mayan gods so that you can steal their power and then murder even more “demons” that just happen to look very human.

After skipping the opening sequence, players will find themselves scrambling for the sound menu in hopes of turning down the maxed out menu music volume. While the sound option doesn’t work for any sort of menu volume, it will give you the chance to bind nearly all of your keys. Yup, primary fire, melee, and even quick switching weapons are not bound on first run, and even the secondary fire button is relegated to a mouse button that only exists on higher end mice. It is also worth noting that the entire menu is simply an Arial Bold reskin of the Left 4 Dead 1 menus, a theme that carries through the whole game. Once you have everything set, and a few gallons of liquor in hand, you might be able to start this terrible knockoff of Left 4 Dead.

If you love T-poses, you'll love this game.

Starting the game there are a few things that become apparent: any amount of water at all will slow the players to a crawl, and the fastest method of movement is to dance. Other facets of game play are simply appalling. The only weapon is bland and practically useless in quite a few situations, and while it does offer different firing modes, I found myself favoring the shotgun mode that is awarded for beating the first boss over anything else. Even with friends, the campaign is a mess that usually involves someone having to wait around the Mayan version of a closet to let out the poor fellow who got caught in the unstoppable death traps which are strewn about like bird food after a squirrel has made off with the feeder. The other portion of the time will mainly be spent running around like a mad man trying to find the crystal skulls and escape the horrid level design. While the campaign is supposed to be the meat and potatoes, the multiplayer takes what few things did work, and break them even further.

With three competitive multiplayer modes to choose from, Revelations 2012 tries to make players believe there is fun to be had outside of murdering hundreds of Mayans. Sadly however, the various modes are each more broken than the last. The only one that remotely works is the "team" deathmatch, and that is assuming everyone is aware that both players can't be human. Stasis mode is just the same thing, but set up like freeze tag with railguns instead. The final mode is supposed to be a strategic MOBA kind of thing, but it usually ends in who can slaughter the most Mayans first.

No matter what, everyone's arm will always remain at that odd angle.

Supposedly hope is on the way, with Dark Artz promising new content, and a completely revamped game sometime in the future. It will likely end up being an empty promise, considering the company's past interactions with the steam community. The drama behind the development team is enough to fill another blog on its own, and anyone interested can head to the game's steam forum for details.

There is a lot of profane and horrible things I could say about this game, but to simply sum up my eight hours of pure hell I have to say that this is the single worst piece of garbage ever made. With such fine mods for Left 4 Dead available to everyone for free there is literally no excuse to ever charge money for something like this.

As it stands, I refuse to even score this game. It is just that bad.

even oceans of Mountain Dew can't fix this game.
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About shadow2398one of us since 6:49 PM on 06.01.2010

Hey Dtoid,

I've pretty much been gaming since the day I was born, and honestly, I'll play pretty much anything once.

Lately I've been playing all sorts of games across a plethora of genres.

I'm also one of the server admins for the Destructoid TF2 Server. Feel free to catch me on steam if you have any issues.
Xbox LIVE:LubricatedFists
Steam ID:shadow2398


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