I'm frustrated. I've written before
about what I want from E3, and it always disappoints. Just like how American politics always promise hope and change, it's the same thing every year. Garbage in, garbage out. From that last list, I bought Splatterhouse and barely played it. Double Fine put out Costume Quest, which was incredible, but Tim Schafer and me
had some words and he's working on that adventure game, which is the genre of gaming I hate the most out of video games. I'll shoot dudes all day, but solving puzzles in a humorous adventure isn't what I'm looking for. Here are ten things I want to see this week at E3
10) Another Splatterhouse
This won't happen, but -
Instead of wasting multiple millions on a big budget God of War rip off, why not do a downloadable sprite based title that rivals Metal Slug 3 in the sheer depth of it? You could include multiple characters who look sort of like other famous film killers, like a red haired doll, burned man with a claw, or a guy with a bunch of pins in his head slinging chains around. That would be so fucking awesome, just as a straight beat em up. If they put in features from Dungeons & Dragons Shadow over Mysteria, the branching pathways and multiple endings and different bosses depending on which quick choices you make, you'll have a fucking winner of a video game.
Really, what disappointed me most about the new Splatterhouse was how it stepped backward from Splatterhouse 3. That game turned things up to the next level, making a beat em up survival horror where depending on how fast you beat up monsters, your wife and child would die, or become monsters themselves for you to fight. Such an interesting concept, that has never developed further. That is what is wrong with video games.
9) Another Mortal Kombat
I liked the one from last year, I played quite a bit of it. The steps in the right direction were in the expanded story mode, inclusion of costumes and unlockables other fighting games want to section off as downloadable content. Which Mortal Kombat did have, but made in such a way that it wasn't up your ass like other companies. Their DLC was great if you're a fan of the series or of Freddy Kreuger, who was in that fucking game. How crazy is that? I want Mortal Kombat to just go nuts next time and include MMA fighters or god damn King Kong. Let's go wild, include some fucking dinosaurs already too! And a Power Ranger who craps lighting. I just love how silly the seres is, and how it has kept up that pace of being a fun fighting game to play with anybody.
Dudes who take fighting games too seriously need to chill out. They're what is wrong with vido games.
8) X-Com Enemy Unknown
I saw this at PAX, it was the only story I managed to actually publish anything about - still working on my Hunter Thompson thesesis of the entire experience. How I met CTZ and Tony Ponce, how I made a dick of myself on Retronaughts, how I just missed Max Scoville, and how I wrote lengthy sections of my book on a plane ride. I had about as much fun at something like that as I'm capable of having.
Oh yeah, X-Com. I like strategy games where I can alter the enviroment, my guys feel like badasses if I use them right, but the enemies in the game can fuck me up if my strategy isn't solid. That looks like what this game is, and it's going to be a full fucking game which actually shocked me. I thought it was a downloadable "fuck off and have you strategy game nerds" from 2K, but this is an actual game that actually looks like it's worth a fuck.
Still, I'm worried they'll take out features or charge me extra for something dumb that I'll want, like a plane with a shark face on it. That's what is wrong with video games these days.
7) Dead Space 3
It was shown off already, I missed it as I took a bath. I'm hopeful that the co-op will feature the perception bending stuff from Kane and Lynch that everybody forgot. When one player see's innocent people running away, the other saw cops shooting at them wearing butchered pig masks. I want that in this game and I want to play it with a friend.
I'm sure EA will fuck it up, they fuck up everything. They're what is wrong with video games.
6) Marvel Alliance 3
This will never happen. If it, or a similar Marvel game does happen, I'll have to buy action figures to set on a portal to play as them. Then if I want the same character but in a different costume, that's more money for more bullshit. That's what is wrong with video games these days.
5) Dante's Inferno 2
I'm doubtful this will be shown off this year. God of War isn't as good as Onimusha, it never was in my opinion. They presented better, with clearer objectives and less opaque gameplay but it just wasn't Onimusha good. It didn't have heart. Dante's Inferno is as cold and soulless as possible, but I laughed my head off at how much of a twelve year old boy's fantasy this game was. A giant monster lady with shitting tits chased you up an elevator level. You throw fucking giant crosses at bad guys, that were unlimited. So I could unleash that and use my regular weapon all I wanted. I hate running out of a ranged attack. The puzzles were super easy, not bullshit time wasting nonsense. I got it all figured out in five minutes and moved right the fuck on with the game. I like that. I like that this game didn't bullshit me. It just was a game and didn't suck.
All except for the sequel bait ending, which is fucking awful. I couldn't have been more pissed off that the ending had no resolution, good or bad, it just didn't have an ending. I could have cared less about the story, but I wanted something more than "Next Time in Dante's Inferno 2: Electric Boogaloo..." That sort of trilogy building bullshit is what is wrong with video games. Give me a full and complete fucking game, or go fuck yourselves. Sixty dollars is a lot for a six hour game as it is, if the god damn thing isn't even a full fucking story, what the fuck are even doing?
4) Shin Megami Tensei 4
I want to know everything about this game.
For better or worse, Atlus is releasing at least two Mega Ten games a year. Usually one is a remake or re-release of an older game, but I'm starting to think that formula may be part of what is wrong with video games. Space out releases. Persona 5 is being developed, but by how many dudes at one time? I know these games are all budget games, compared to the graphical uncanny valley abomination that most modern role playing games are, I'm happy as fuck with this. I'm afraid as they step into the next set of consoles, that they'll fuck with that and try to conform with everybody else and not do shit their own way. I want them to never suck. I want Atlus to remain successful, I want their games to be amazing. I believe in Atlus.
3) Another Katamari
I love the fuck out of Katamari Forever. I never got Beautiful Katamari, but this is that without having DLC unlock codes. If they just remake Katamari stages again, adding more than just three levels, I'm in.
Those DLC unlock codes were atrocious. That practice has since been the bane of Capcom lately, on disc dlc. It's bullshit. It's exactly what is wrong with video games. The only trend for DLC worse than that, is stuff like the Godfather game which sold you unlocks for cheat codes. What the fuck is that shit!
2) Mega Man 11
Fuck you, I want it.
I love Nintendo Mega Man games, they've made two of them, I want a third.
I want this sequel, that is basically the same game I've been playing for twenty years repeated over and over. That is what is wrong with video games. I'm stuck loving what I love, not wanting to try out new things. Considering stuff like Ico not worth playing, then being blown away once I did is a shame on me that I'll never live down. Our tastes in video games is appalling, but I know what I like. I like Mega Man games that are 2D retro sprite graphic games that play a certain way and have that certain look. I want that, every two years, until I die.
1) Wii U Zelda
Last year, they put up a teaser for that new Zelda. I never got into Skyward Sword, after Twlight Princess, I couldn't give a fuck less about Zelda. But that Wii U one looked pretty bad ass, I'm anxious to see if it is actually a step foreward or not for those games, because god damn, Link to the Past was a fucking monster of a video game. I loved it. I loved just wandering around finding new shit to see and do, it was epic.
Games just aren't like that anymore. If they are, they're broken like Skyrim still is, on the Playstation 3 version I have, it still fucking breaks shit all the time. Fuckers released a broken game again and we all took the dick up the ass. That's what is wrong with video games these days. We're all a bunch of pussies.
As always, I'm on twitter
and I'm writing a novel, called The Bonerquest
. Keep it real, everybody!
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