Please, God, no more!!!
Well, I've done it. I've officially become so freaking bored that I watched the abomination of God known as "Stay Alive". For those lucky individuals not in the know, Stay Alive is a movie about a video game that kills people.
But, the only way I could do this justice is to review the movie in real time. This is my new segment RTS Movie Reviews. Of course, RTS stands for Real-Time Suffering, because that's all these movies cause me. Times listed are points where I had to stop and write down the action on-screen, so I could hopefully scare you away from this horrible movie.
2:08: The movie starts off in-game; pretty good graphics, on par with shitty PS3 games. Stay Alive
has a weird 3rd-to-1st-person view, and Fatal Frame
-like horror feel to it; creepy shit pops up in window for a split second to mess with your head.
3:40: Jesus Christ: some dude playing the game just told his friend the game was "the sickest shit since Fatal Frame". Can't believe I called that one.
4:46: Umm...the guy we've been following (apparently named Loomis) just walked in on his roomies having sex. The dude fucking the chick is wearing a pig mask. They're not at all surprised they just got walked in on. In fact, one of them asks him if he wants to watch. I think Loomis should get better room mates. What the fuck...
5:13: Our pal Loomis has a nightmare about the death screen he just witnessed in Stay Alive
; same thing happened to me with the Resident Evil
7:20: Loomis hears a noise, goes to check it out, and gets freaked. Since he apparently loves the company of people fucking, he goes to his roommate's room for solace from the scary night, and instead finds both kids dead and hanging from the ceiling. Loomis then dies in the same manner that his character died in-game: hanging from a chain above his staircase. I thought this movie was called Stay Alive, not The Ring.
9:20: Next we meet Hutch, our main character, on his way to the boss' office to get fired (one assumes). But, oh, no, he's not gonna be fired; his boss just needs game advice for the final boss of Silent Hill 4
. And, OH, WOW, the advice is pure bullshit; drop the "hyper-blaster" and "she" will die. Not only does it make no sense in the movie, nothing in that pro-tip relates to the fucking game. AT ALL.
11:00: Oh, sad: Hutch learns his pal Loomis is dead. At the funeral (where almost no one is wearing black), Hutch runs into insane-but-fuckable Abigail, who's taking pictures of the depressing people. They decide to meet up later (probably to take wierd pictures and bone).
14:10: Now we're at a new location:some sort of coffee shop run by brother and sister combo October and Phin (short for Phineas). Hutch goes through Loomis' shit (free video games, a Playstation lighter, and a photo album), and gets freaked out when he sees a little fire. Phin finds Stay Alive
, and Hutch tells him Loomis was beta testing it.
14:33: Here we have the first of many Wise Words of Phin: On the subject of beta testing: “It’s like eating a beav (vagina)- it’s awesome at first, then it’s goddamn monotonous.” I think I'm in love with this guy.
15:11: A shot of Hutch cleaning plastic plates and Solo cups...WOW HE IS A LOOSER GAMER WITH NO LIFE LOL!!1!11111!!!!!! Jesus.
15:37: Christ, Frankie Muniz just showed up. And his name's Swink. Fucking S-W-I-N-K. Whoever came up with these character names should be shot.
16:39: More Wise Words of Phin: Swink says, “Profanity is for the feeble minded.” Phin responds with, "Sorry I offended you, fuck-ass.”
17:15: Just had to show this quote from October: "Anyone who says size doesn’t matter never played a first person shooter." Am I actually experiencing dialog this bad? My head hurts.
18:55: Wise Words of Phin: Waiting for the game to start: "Sweet Sebastian Bach I wanna play!"
20:52: Apparently, to start the game, everyone needs to chant an on-screen prayer. No one finds this odd; I'm starting to think everyone in the movie has a case of the Downs. A creepy shadow passes behind them after the chant. And, no, it definitely isn't foreshadowing anything.
21:19: The character customization screen is shown: each character can have a different face, hairstyle, wardrobe, and primary, secondary, and throwable weapon. Not bad choices.
23:00: Gameplay's kinda cool, but it's nothing special. Interesting mechanic where you throw a rose on the ground to stop ghosts from killing you. Apparently it's related to some "gothic chick-lit", as Phin says.
26:12: Holy shit: the fuckers bastardized the Konami code, AND used it as a cheat to make certain characters naked. This is Epic Fail on a scale I never knew was possible.
29:10: Ah, another game death. This time, it's the boss who needed to use the "hyperblaster" in Silent Hill
. His character gets stabbed in the neck. Then, he gets stabbed IRL. I think I see a really shitty pattern here.
30:47: Hutch shows up at work, tells cops what happened, and is IMMEDIATELY blamed for the death by Douche Detective (don't know his name). Jesus, how many horror movie cliches can this piece of shit bring up!?!?
31:52: Another nugget of wisdom from October: "If you had any less sense, you'd be half a penny." My dead grandfather could come up with better puns than that. And he's dead.
32:00: Phin finds the boss' dead body in-game. Surprisingly, he died the same way his character died. WHOA!!! The gang finds it odd, but anyone with half a brain knows how this movie's gonna fucking end, even before it begins.
33:18: Umm...quick image of fire and NES controller...apparently Hutch has a horrible memory from the past that lingers with him. Isn't that just SO interesting? Also, Phin is shown playing the game, pausing right before he's run over by a horse-drawn carriage. I wonder how that's gonna end?
35:23: Oh, shit, Phin's dead. Everyone runs in to find him slumped over his desk. BUT WAIT! HE'S NOT REALLY DEAD! He's just taking a bong hit. Dear God, grant me the sweet release of death.
37:30: Everyone gets a little montage, where they see and hear weird shit. Very Final Destination-like. Very boring.
44:38: Phineas, late for a meeting with our Mystery Team, almost hits some scary chick, gets out of car (BREAKING ONE OF THE HORROR MOVIE CARDINAL RULES), hears horses again like in the game, and gets royally fucked up by ghost horse carriage. His sister gets all sad and shit; “Oh god why is this happening, don't do this to me, blah blah blah." What a whore.
47:09: Detective Douche and Co. arrive on the scene. Big surprise, cops don’t believe story about the game killing people. When will police learn to believe insane and crackpot theories?
48:33: Detective Douche gets face ripped the fuck open in-game. Fucking noob literally lasted 2 minutes in game.
51:50: Oh, cute. Douchebag Detective is in a game shop trying to find out more about Stay Alive
. Clerk asks him if he plays, he says not since playing a Q*bert
tourney back in the day. Jesus. And then his face gets ripped off.
54:25: And now we learn about Hutch's flashbacks: his dad went insane, torched his house with Hutch and his mom in it. Mom dies, dad goes to jail, son gets caught up in shitty movie plot. Anyway, at Loomis' house, the gang finds the address of Stay Alive
55:22: October figures out the trouble's all because of the game's main villain, some chick named Bathory. How do you get rid of this woman? Easy; find her long lost dead body, stick a nail in her heart, neck, and forehead, then set her blood on fire. Easy peasy.
60:00: Game company is (surprise!) bogus. The address is of house of Bathory (but no one in the movie understands that, yet). Fucking creepy ass dude appears in house, holding fancy scissors. Complains that Loomis "never should’ve taken my game." Apparently, Creepy Dude based the game off of reality, and tells the gang where to find a woman that knows more about Bathory.
63:45: Cue balls-crazy Southern-accented chick; she wrote a book about Bathory, who apparently had an “unhealthy passion for torturing little girls” (...there's a healthier way to torture little girls?); she thought bathing in little girl blood could give her everlasting beauty. Yep. Fuck Avon. It's all about little lady platelets.
68:30: Apparently, now, the game can turn on on its own. October’s character is being stalked. The game plays itself to make sure the other players die. I can’t make this shit up. October gets killed. Boring.
71:06: Now the Mystery Crew (reduced to Hutch, Swink, and Abigail) is on the hunt for Bathory's body (even though any sane person knows where it is already). The group arrives at the house to confront Creepy Dude about the villabouts of the Wherin Kelly (props to anyone who gets that joke). Swink decides to play game and act as decoy, then swears a lot for no reason, pops his collar, and ruffles his hair to look badass. And, oh, man, he TOTALLY is.
78:03: Congrats, gang! You just now figured out the programer's house, the house in the game, and Bathory's house ARE ALL THE SAME FUCKING PLACE!!! You deserve a cookie. Also, magically, the gang finds out that actions in the game have implications in the real world, such as a key in-game opening a door in RL. Before you know it, they'll make Swink have immortality, just to keep the story moving.
80:23: Oh, snap, the game's playing itself again! But, before Swink can save himself, Bathory uses another magical ghost power to cut him off from the computer. What a conniving, evil cunt. The ghost carriage appears behind him. Swink runs from carriage, and jumps in a rose bush. But, he dies anyway. Aren't roses supposed to stop her path? Hi, loopholes, how’re you doing today?
92:12: Lost consciousness somewhere in here. But, the basics are: Bathory dies, Hutch freaks out over fire (what a pussy), and Swink comes back to life to save shit. Jesus Tap-dancing Christ. Movie ends with mass distribution of game, a Game Informer cover story about the game, and chanting from the beginning of the game. Credits roll. I'll never be the same again.