Surprisingly, this box art has almost nothing to do with the movie.
Hey, who here hasn't seen The Dark Night
yet? If you haven't, seriously, stop reading this and go see it. I can say, without a doubt, it was one of the best movies I've ever seen.
The same could not be said about this piece of shit.
In this RTS Movie Review, I'm looking at Gamebox 1.0, a videogame-related movie from 2004 that has probably pissed off everyone that ever saw it. It certainly brought out the fury in me. So, to make sure you don't have to sit through this horrible mess, just read this lovely play-by-play of a film that no one should ever have to watch again.
00:00 Before we begin, I decided to check the cast listing of this steaming pile to see who I’d be watching for the next hour and an half. To my surprise this movie stars Harvey, the dopey boyfriend(?) of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Ham from The Sandlot, and goddamn fucking Topanga. It’s like a checklist of shitty 90s child actors.
00:42 Jesus, our first gameplay footage is of Halo. I already have good feelings about this movie. And whoever is playing only uses the Covenant pistol. Baffling.
01:35 Suddenly, a random kid is running (in place) being chased by a ninja in a mask who’s also running (in place). Neither even attempt to hid the fact they’re on a green screen.
02:30 The kid in question starts convulsions as his parents run in, then he dies, I guess. I wanna turn off this piece of shit already, and I’ve only been sitting here for 2 minutes!
03:10 We see a mail truck delivering the supposed-killer-gaming system. The weirdest part about this is that the driver of the truck has his/her arms tied to the steering wheel, almost like a really shitty puppet. I have no fucking idea why.
04:11 We meet Harvey, who’s busy playing a racing game, surrounded with pics of Topanga. Dumbass pauses game and leaves it on as he leaves his house. Doesn’t he know the dangers of RRoD?
4:55 Some radio hosts are talking about the kid dying. One says he played a lot of games, and the best way to take over the world is with video games. Subtle script writing like this is hard to find.
05:48 Our boy Harvey’s a game tester, and Ham is his friend from work. I’m actually starting to enjoy these casting decisions.
05:54 Why the fuck does the supposed “adventure game” Harvey’s testing have the EXACT SAME pause screen as his racing game? Was there not enough cash in the budget for 2 pause screens?
7:00 We get a little insight into Harvey’s boring-ass life: he eats at same restaurant each day, orders roast beef with extra horseradish (can’t be healthy) and sits at same table, even waiting a while if others are sitting there. Friggin’ loser.
7:34 Harvey receives the package containing the system. I’ve never been so terrified of brown paper and twine my whole life.
9:48 Basic system explanation: it comes with headgear (might be played like that Nintendo On April fool’s day system) a camera and the system, which needs no power source (and that doesn’t phase Harvey). Apparently, before you begin playing, you have to take pictures of people with the camera, which turns them into characters in-game. Instructions are printed on a fucking scroll (not ominous at all), then once headset’s on, game talks to you. I smell a Wii sequel.
11:23 Harvey visits some random friend’s house for pictures of in-game players. The fuckers are also playing Halo as badly as the first kid. We learn Harvey’s an antisocial fuckwad, and his gf (Topanga) was killed (thus, all the weird pictures around the house).
12:37 Christ, I just sat through 2 minutes of Harvey watching a video of him and Topanga at the beach. But, his pretend crying is really winning me over! I smell an Oscar!
14:11 When looking for a villain to take pic of, we learn about Topanga’s death: shot by some goofy-ass cop. Harvey’s mad at the cop, makes him the villain. This should end real well.
15:16 Now, in the matrix…sorry, Gamebox 1.0 (which isn’t even a fucking box), we learn about 3 of the fully-immersive games: Zombie Land, Crime Spree, and Alien Planet. Apparently the guy that makes up game names is in the john. Or developmentally disabled.
16:08 Showing off graphics less impressive than a game gear, we get a glimpse of Crime Spree, a GTA-wanabe without any GTA flavor. The game tells him to follow arrows and play the game like you normally would.
16:48. Harvey beats up (with his own hands) an in-game character to steal his car, showing how realistic the game is. This is what Jack Thompson thinks about when he comes.
18:18 This club scene…it’s…it’s…it’s too horrible to talk about. It feels like all my senses are being raped, all at once. The music is terrible, the visuals are eye-bleedingly awful, and I’m eating bad sushi. Yes, I’m blaming the movie for my bad dinner choice. I can blame anything bad in my life on this piece of trash.
18:42 We come across the in-game versions of people who’s picture he took. They’re like hyper, realistic, evil Miis.
20:46 This scene, in which Harvey crosses town on a motorcycle 3 times larger than a normal motorcycle is almost as bad as the club scene in terms of visuals and music. I wouldn’t even torture Noriega with this music it’s so bad.
22:35 I truly love the 2.36-person perspective the game goes into here to demonstrate a shoot-out between Harvey and some thugs.
23:11 Harvey just stumbled across Topanga, even though he never scanned her. THE PLOT THICKENS!!!
26:57 The fucking racing game from before is STILL ON FUCKING PAUSE. Harvey blows off his douchy friends, probably to go back in the game and bang his girlfriend. He truly knows the score when it comes to next-level masturbation.
27:46 I have an extreme urge to kill the creators of this movie: The game just told Harvey that it can read his mind and put people in the game he wants in the game. THEN WHY THE FUCK DID HE NEED TO USE THE CAMERA!?!?!?! Gotta find me a good, sturdy hatchet.
28:37 Back in game, Harvey actually pulls off kind of a cool stealth kill by hiding under a car, shooting an enemy in the ankles, then in the face when it falls down. Urge to kill fading...
29:55 Urge to kill RISING! The last few minutes of Shakespeare-esque dialoge notified me that Topanga’s character is named, I shit you not, Princess. I can’t even string together enough expletives to form a palpable insult for this movie. Oh, and there’s some shit about a briefcase Topanga’s holding.
33:15 Somehow, Harvey lost a life, and time-traveled 5 minutes into the past. I’m not real sure: fury has a tendency to make me forget spans of time.
34:12 Harvey’s starting to get flashes of moments from in-game in real life. If I don’t get some tits in this movie real quick, I’m gonna loose it.
35:21 Alright, something to alleviate my torture: Harvey’s boss just made a reference to the Nintendo On. I giggle a little.
36:34 Now the game can turn itself on in Harvey’s head whenever it wants to. Freddy Kruger did this shtick a hell of a lot better 10 years ago.
38:08 Freaking out, running around office (since he thinks he’s still in the game), Harvey’s boss thinks he’s on drugs, and tells him to go home. I could sure use some drugs right now.
41:52 Ah, finally, something moderately interesting: Harvey runs into the cop that killed Topanga in real life, giving out a parking ticket. He’s still freaking out, and the cop thinks he’s a tweaker. Instead of arresting him, he takes him to a back alley and (almost verbatim) rattles off the list of drugs Hunter S. had in Fear and Loathing. Yep, that’s right: idiot cop is druggie cop. Once the cop realizes who Harvey is (bf of some bitch he killed), he beats the shit out of him and leaves him for dead. Awesome.
43:08 Well, Harvey’s in a coma now, and stuck in the game. Oh, and, the game has now changed to Zombie Land. I actually have high hopes for the movie now.
44:34 Those hopes have been shattered worse than that window I broke in 4th grade and blamed on the neighbor (sorry, Jeff!): this movie’s version of zombies are black beings (that look like shadows) that, I shit you not, RUN AROUND LIKE MONKEYS. Yes, no shambling, no groaning. Screeching, wailing monkeys. George Romero would turn in his grave if he were dead.
48:08 Uhg. They keep talking about this fucking briefcase Topanga has. Boring shit. Would be made infinitely better if Topanga was naked.
50:00 There’s a half hour of this fucking movie left. I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it.
51:05 Druggie Cop is, in game, Ninja-Druggie-Cop. He’s sitting on a shed, looking constipated. That is all.
54:15 The zombie game is finally over. The kids have now gone up a sewer pipe into the 3rd game, Alien Planet. I could not be more apathetic about this change of scenery.
55:17 The thing in the briefcase is a weapon, Topanga is the girl from an alien legend, the military’s fighting horribly-created aliens, blah, blah, blah. You know what would be good to eat right now? A bullet.
63:21 That’s it, I’m not watching anymore. Harvey just gave up his last life to save his in-game girlfriend. A 4th grader could write a better script than this. At least it wouldn’t be this fucking clichéd. But, seriously, I don’t even give a flying fuck how this ends (even though I totally know how it will). Honestly, Alone in The Dark is better than this movie. I’m out.