Hello again, folks. It's been way, way too long for me here on the good ol' cblogs. I thought today would be as good as any to come back, since I've finally gained the ability to legally imbibe alcohol. Yep, today's my 21st. Hooray!!! I can hear my liver pleading for help already! Aside from trolling for birthday wishes, I wanted to talk about video game birthdays. For some reason, a lot of birthdays in video games are horrible experiences you'd rather die than live through again. I bet right now you're saying, "But, Pendelton, I'm not sure what you're talking about. Can you give me some examples?" Well, you know what, why not? Here are some video game birthday parties that truly suck.
Grunt Birthday Party (Halo 3)
Many people know and revere this skull for being not only one of the easier skulls to get in Halo 3, but also one of the most fun. Picked up on the second level, Crow's Nest, the activated skull causes a spray of confetti and children's approval whenever you shoot a Grunt in the head. Sure, this is a neat little effect. But, you gotta feel for the Grunt in this situation. How would you feel if, on your birthday, a big, green, scary-looking motherfucker came out of nowhere, shot you in the head, and a celebration with bits of bright paper and laughing kids happened? Well, you'd be dead, so you wouldn't feel anything. But, still. That's a shitty way to celebrate another year of life.
Kootie Pie's Birthday (The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3)
Ah, the Mario cartoons. Growing up watching my favorite Mario characters on-screen thrilled me to no end. Today, though, it's fun to watch the old show and see how truly abysmal and awful it was. No episode personifies the shittiness of that show more than "Reptiles in the Rose Garden". In the episode, Kootie Pie (Bowser's daughter...ugh) is having her sweet 16 party. For a party, it's pretty damn lame: no friends, no booze, and a shit ton of unopened gifts she doesn't want. Nothing the ruthless, tyrannical Koopa King gets her is good enough. She wants something big, something huge: an entire goddamn country. Kootie Pie asks her father to get her America as a gift. America. As in, the country. I can't make this shit up.
Watch the horror unfold as Kootie Pie forgoes all constitutional laws and OWNS America on her 16th birthday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dlxeI5jn2g Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout Ugh.
In this abomination of an NES game, you control Bugs Bunny as he has to make his way to his 50th birthday party, all while defeating such horrid foes as Wile E. Coyote, Taz, and Elmer Fudd. The reasoning behind all the hate is, apparently, the other cartoons are mad at Bugs for having a party on his own birthday. Umm...OK, whatever. Anyway, you make your way through the levels, smashing shit with a hammer, and defeating all of these envious douchebags along the way. When you finally make it to the party, all of the characters, WHO WERE JUST TRYING TO KILL YOU TO STOP YOU FROM COMING TO THE PARTY, are there to show their love and support. Apparently, they were just playing a trick on you! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Needless to say, if I was bugs, I'd bitch slap all those idiots for making a senior citizen like me to risk my life on my birthday.
So, there you have it. I'm thankful that I'll never have to experience the hate-mongering, head-exploding, spoiled-whore-filled parties that these characters had to go through. Now, if you'd excuse me, I need to spend the evening forgetting I ever wrote this article.