*WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR PORTAL 2. DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE FINISHED PORTAL 2. COME TO THINK ABOUT IT... WHY ARE YOU ON THE INTERNET WHEN YOU HAVE YET TO FINISH PORTAL 2. GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE!*
I haven’t slept in two days. Most people would call this a big problem, I call it a huge opportunity. You see, when I close my eyes I don’t see what you see. I don’t see darkness with a hint of some lighter patterns dancing across the inside of my eyelids. I see vast desert lands with dragons soaring through the sand like dolphins, I see cows piloting spaceships to planets only inhabited by potato salad. The last one was more of a guess. Since I never fall asleep I never get to accompany Sgt. McMoo to the planet Potatora or wherever his Platypus-shaped spaceship is headed.
During this state of mind, there was one thing that stuck with me, one idea that suddenly popped up in my mind. The idea made it even harder for me to fall asleep and get on the Banana-shaped spaceship to planet Platopussia, I had to explore this new trail, see where it ended.
Dear reader, friend, enemy, time traveler or space-cow… I have a confession to make. You are not the first one I am telling this. I’m sorry; I should have come to you first. But on the train home from a stand-up comedy show here in Stockholm, I looked at my co-op robot friend and popped the question.
“- Did Chell really survive Portal 2?”
That night we were two sleepless souls…
Let me explain, but be patient – first we must go back to the beginning. Well the end, really. The end of the first Portal game, that is.
After finally defeating GlaDOS, the homicidal AI with the sexiest voice ever, you end up and the surface. Not in a happy “let’s get this party started” kind of way, more in a “face down in concrete” kind of way. Why is this so important? Well, let me ask you this: how many perfectly grown fields are there? The answer might surprise you… hold on to your hats… none.
Let’s step into our Tardis (Time And Relative Dimentions In Space) for a moment, let us travel into the future. How many years? That’s kind of the problem. No one knows. Valve has not told us when Portal 2 takes place. Let’s state a fact about yours truly – I am no biologist. This being said, Aperture laboratories is mighty overgrown in Portal 2 which makes me think there been more than a couple of years, more like couple of hundred years, probably more.
I know what you’re thinking, after such a long time couldn’t the surface look a bit different. You are of course correct, my imaginary friend. The surface could look different, someone could have made a field where the lab used to be. Look at the ending of Portal 2 again. It’s on YouTube, relax, you’re not doing anything illegal.
That is a mighty big field, and no trees in sight. It is established during Portal 2 that the lab is huge, but the forest from the original Portal should at least appear as a small dot on the screen, or even bigger since it has probably grown since the events of the first game. All you see is an endless field. Kind of reminds you of the end of a certain movie starring a certain Russel Crowe, playing a certain gladiator, rising up to a certain emperor… wait… I just said the title of the movie. Gladiator, it’s Gladiator.
Speaking of space gladiators, at the end of Portal 2, a big hole is created in the celling, but nothing resembling crops falls down to the floor. According to the laws of physics, there should definitely fall some crops or dirt in your pretty face – it’s science, and we all know how much Valve likes science.
“But if the laboratory is so big, couldn’t Whetleys lair be somewhere where there is no cornfield?” Yes, it could be, but let me answer that question with a question – why would GlaDOS move your body? Her old lair got destroyed and as soon as she was rebooted, she started testing. Even IF she managed to build a lair during the tests, what’s easier – moving your body across the entire lab, or just rebuild the lair (since it only took her like five minutes last time).
My point is that Chell probably wakes up pretty close to where Whetley had his lab – so why isn’t there ANY crops falling down from the celing? I am confusing you, sorry about that. I should probably state what I think happened.
When you woke up after defeating Whetley it is the first time GlaDOS has Chell trapped and unarmed. Why not kill her? Letting her go is a big mistake since she knows where the lab is and that there is a homicidal robot down there. Just because they spent some quality time together you think Chell will just forgive GlaDOS for trying to kill her hundreds of times? Chell will come back with a nuclear weapon and shove it so far up GlaDOS mainframe not even Tetris will run.
So what does GlaDOS do? She gives Chell a false sense of security by fooling her she’s just going to let her greatest nemesis go. The elevator doors close and the elevator starts moving, but just a few floors – then it stops. The doors open and you are greeted by four working turrets. BAM! Chell be dead.
No one knows what happens when you die. But we can imagine. I imagine that you might ascend, preferably accompanied by a beautiful song sung by a fat lady. I see all my friends, all my enemies, they sing too. I ascend faster and faster. Small pieces of my life flashes by, places I’ve been, people I’ve seen.
The ascension stops. You’re at your destination, the doors open. BAM! Field.
Not convinced yet? Then answer me this – why aren’t Aperture’s incinerators working in the original Portal? Oh, wait – they are! That’s where you throw down GlaDOS cores in the final battle. But if they are working, why is the companion cube not incinerated? It is quite burned, but it’s not called the “quite burner”, it’s called “the incinerator”.
It’s dead. And so are you. Welcome to heaven. We got fields. Hope you brought your 3DS.
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