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Something About Sex: Unsafe At Any Speed

To say there is a great deal of, um, "creative content" regarding the imagined sex lives of video game characters would be a vast understatement. Rule 34 has touched everything you know and love, but in some cases, there are very strong, logical arguments against fantasizing about certain icons. I'm here to address a handful of these issues, in the hopes of turning your imaginations towards more healthy endeavors.


The Dead Or Alive series' primary heroine is cute as a button, and absolutely racked, to be sure. Coupled with deadly capability tempered with slight naievete, Kasumi would appear to be every fighting enthusiast's dream girl.

Relations with Kasumi, however, would come with a very obvious price: an entire ninja clan wants to kill her. Given that someone sleeping with her would have a vested interest in Kasumi not dying, that would make anyone involved with this cute kunoichi an instant target.

I don't know about you guys, but I am in no shape to fuck with any ninja, ever.

Mario Mario

For a man with as long a legacy of saving the Mushroom Kingdom as Mario, he's surprisingly inept at anything that doesn't involve stomping or smashing things with his fist.

Mario's main squeeze, Princess Peach, has been holding out for two and a half decades now, and for good reason. Any man who lets his woman get abducted by the same lizard more times than he can count on his sausage-y fingers clearly doesn't deserve any attention.

Add in his running around after other women from time to time (Paulina, Rosalina, Daisy...), and the fact that he hasn't figured out how to change his clothes since the day he arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom in the first place, and you've got an absolute mess just waiting to happen. Even attempting to masturbate, I imagine, would lead to Mario ending up in the emergency room.

Morrigan Aensland

Darkstalkers' Ms. Aensland is quite a beauty, but that comes par for the course when you're a succubus. Succubi, who are demons in female form, like one thing and one thing only - humpin'.

It's not just nymphomania, mind you; intercourse with a succubus is like dinner for her, wherein she draws energy from the male half of the equation, until the demon reaches her fill or the man is exhausted or dead.

I'll let you guess which of those tends to happen first. If you're interested in looking like a concentration camp inmate or a mummy, then be my guest.

Master Chief

Yeah, he's cool, mysterious, and probably pretty dreamy under all that armor. It's a shame that, even without the Mjolnir get-up, John-117 would literally fuck you to pieces.

The Spartan-II program wasn't all about the armor, you know. A lot of surgical and chemical modification went into these supersoldiers, making them burly enough and reactive enough to even withstand the Mjolnir armor's capabilities. Samus Aran may be cute under all that metal, but the Master Chief is unquestionably the physical incarnation of raw power and speed.

No human physique, aside from another Spartan, could possibly withstand that. Even a Spartan-III would probably be walking funny for a week.

Alice Tsukagami

Cheesecake prime of the Bloody Roar series, Alice has a lot going for her. Nice T, nice A, a lot of leg, and the pigtails certainly don't hurt. It's a shame that, every now and then, she turns into a giant rabbit.

No one likes a furry. No one. As cute as Alice is, the risk of waking up in bed with the Easter Bunny is not worth however good a time she might provide. Never mind the fact that even rabbit claws are bound to do some damage when they're on human-plus-sized hands.

God forbid she goes in for a hickey, a nibble, or *gasp* oral with those teeth.

Sonic The Hedgehog

Bestiality aside, it's simply fact that the hedgehog can never be buggered.

Bad Girl

Where do I even begin with this? For starters, it's well established that any and every girl interested in lolita fashion is completely unhinged. On top of that, she is clearly brandishing a baseball bat that is dripping with blood. If that still isn't enough deterrent, a trip to her basement of good times and batting practice would introduce you to her primary companions, a seemingly endless legion of gimps.

Nothing good could possibly ever come from a liasion beneath Santa Destroy Stadium. Forget enjoying time with Bad Girl; should you want to so much as survive, I pray you're faster than her, stronger than her, and/or equipped with roofies, chlorform, and one or more forms of restraint.

...well, now it's starting to sound like a good time. Excuse me.


In this case, it's not so much a matter of the character in question as it is a matter of neighbors. Chances are, by the time this is posted, that Jim Sterling has made good on his promises and rented out a condo in Bayonetta's ass.

The last thing anyone wants to encounter in the height of passion is the sudden appearance of a larger gentleman brandishing the Chaos Eater and an axe shaped like a Giger creation, yelling at them to keep it down and laughing at their shortcomings (no pun intended).

Save yourself the embarassment and the inevitable mockery on Podtoid and just stay the hell away.
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About nekobunone of us since 5:17 PM on 06.29.2007

Hi, I'm Chris, though I've been going by nekobun and variants thereof for so long, I kind of answer to both anymore.

While I've kind of got my own thing going in the realm of indie coverage, at least in the form of playing through (and streaming) (and writing about) the huge backlog I'm developing of games gleaned from various indie bundles, I try to keep my more mainstream, game-related features here, as well as opinion pieces on the industry at large, out of mad love for the 'toid. When I'm not rambling here or trying to be clever in comments threads, you can catch me rambling on Facebook and my Twitter, and trying to be clever in the Dtoid.tv chat.

Now Playing:
360: Halo 4
PC: F.E.A.R.
SNES: Secret Of Mana

I suck at games: PEW PEW LASERS
Improving game communities: Collective consciousness
Nothing is sacred: These walls have torn my world apart
The wrong thing: Only cream and bastards catch them all.
Love/Hate: I love to hate -you-
Love/Hate: B(u)y the book
The Future: Is still what it used to be
My Expertise: Playing the race kart
Something about sex: Sex sells, but who's buying?
E3 Approaches: It's oh so quiet
Freedom: Together, we'll break the chains of HUDs
East vs West: We've got the empire
Handhelds: Graduating as 2000's Catchemaledictorian
Relaxation: Cheesy double Chief burrito
Online Passes: A spoonful of sugar
Peripherals: Many tentacles pimpin' on the keys
This is what MAGfest is all about
Beginnings: Put it on the pizza
Disappointment: Bad(vent) timing

Recap Topsauce:
It's Thinking: Could you quit playing with that radio, love?
Do the wrong thing: And do it right, for once.
Afraid to shoot strangers.
Not if you were the last junkie on Pandora
Is Jim Sterling servicing the video games industry?
Something About Sex: Unsafe at any speed.
Doing DLC right
Congress passes sweeping Elfcare reform bill
Bottom five healthcare systems in videogames.
Pushing my love over the quarter line.
When my life would depend on an eight point none.
Remember the heroes.
Every Journey begins with a single step.
It's all over now, bomber blue.
Being Social: We'll always have Rainbow Road
Labor Day: Of course you realize, this means wark.
Please, aim it higher.
There Would've Been Brawl: Show me 'round your eggplantcage.
Integration: A place for everything
Zelda Week: I guess this is growing up.
MAGfest: the (don't be an) idiot's guide
Promotions: The bees are alright
Now is the winter of on-disc content
This was supposed to be a dozen items about nekobun.
Without Slenderness, there's something missing.
Cheap tricks (and treats) don't come cheaper than free.
The legacy of the (unlikely) wizard.
Cheap Tricks II: Sugar rush boogaloo
Thank you, for bringing me here, for showing me Home.
Burnt flowers fallen: the tragic bitchotry of Lilly Caul
Red and blue, resolving into purple.
Xbox LIVE:nekobun
PSN ID:strictmachine
Steam ID:nekobun
Mii code:2610 8366 7890 1412


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