Ladies and gentlemen, you will love
what we have for you today.
You've seen motion control with Nintendo's Wii.
You saw it taken to the next level by Playstation's "Move".
You've seen controller-free gaming with Microsoft's "Project Natal".
Ladies and gentlemen, we here at Steam have designed the future of how you will control your video games; it is called "Operation Voleur".
This new peripheral for our upcoming console will go beyond motion control, beyond controller-free gaming, beyond anything you've ever seen. It will be a real life person
As the name suggests, the person will actually come to your house and steal your controllers
. The Wii has 1-4 controllers, as does the PS3; Natal has zero controllers. Operation Voleur will actually manage to make you end up with a negative
number of controllers. If you had 4 controllers, for example, Operation Voleur will make sure that you have none.
Playstation's "Move" is evolutionary. Operation Voleur will be revolutionary
Move past the age of controller-free gaming; move into negative-controller gaming. All you have to do is order a Voleur unit, and sit on your couch. The Steam Operative will thoroughly tear apart your residence in search of any manner of controller. Playstation controllers, GameCube controllers, Xbox 360 controllers, Wii controllers, your TV remotes, and even your microwave oven will all be removed from your home, and you will get to sit down on the couch and play games the way that they were always meant to be played.
We know that you know that Steam is the shit. We rock so much ass. And now we're bringing controller philosophies to the industry that make Peter Molyneux look less innovative than something something [insert HALO clone here].
Make the right choice. Negative-controller gaming: you heard it from us first.