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An Outer (Heaven) Space Oddity (FTL Review Kind Of)


So I've decided to play Faster Than Light, and while talking to you guys at Outer Heaven, decided to make you guys my crew. My first trips were a disaster, until I found out how to move the characters around the ship.

So, I've decided to start a new trip, with Banana Gobbler and Kirari_Shiino(former Emshumi) on my crew. Stealth was in our first trip but he disappeared in space (Outer Heaven)

A little backstory of our crew: I'm the Captain, Han Solo Kick Ass style. Banana is my "Chewie", except he has four arms and says he's hung like something alien. He is forbidden of proving said fact, I believe his word.

Banana comes from an Alien planet where everyone is named after a phallic fruit. In said planet everyone is gay and heterossexuality is a crime. I decided to take him in, in the hopes of making money out of a porn movie with the only heterossexual from Phallic Planet. It didn't work.

So he joined me in my smuggling career. We smuggle bourbon and fleshlights (you wouldn't believe in how many alien races have penises. Also, cocks).

We took Shiino in because we needed someone responsible in our crew (and a medic/engineer). He's pretty much the most "normal" of us (at least so far).

So we decided to set sail like the space cowboys we are. In our first stop we found some slavers. They offered us some slave for 46 space bucks, but I said "fuck that" and we attacked them. It was a success. They gave us a slave in exchange for not killing them. They said if we didin't accept, we would be killing all the slaves along with them, so I accepted their request.

We got the Slave Luaan Ti, a mantis looking green haired chick which immediatly took a liking to Banana. I said "no fucking during the night" and hopefully they would follow my command. Ti proved herself a very capable engineer, despite having mantis claws for hands, and we went our merry way.

We had some fights but for a while everything was cool aboard S.S. Titanic Dick. Our next sector was a Mantis sector. I hoped for the best, but not them. At our first stop we were attacked by two Mantis dudes. They didn't mind Ti being one of them, and almost killed her. Almost.

We fought bravely and Banana ripped one of the guys with his bare (four) arms. I shot first 'cause
I'm fucking Long John Solo. Shit was cash. We soon found a trade spot in the middle of the Mantis system, refilled our tanks and left for the next one. It was an Engi sector, an allied one, so we were cool for a while. We escorted an allied ship and got some wares. Me and Shiino started getting a little jealous of Banana, and decided we would attack the next slaver we found in hopes of finding love in outer (heaven) space.

We had a few encounteers but none with chicks. We killed a lot of assholes though.

Our next sector was a Zoltan one. Allied sector, feisty chicks. Me and Shiino started thinking about red skinned freaks with three breasts. Banana and Ti were banging in the engine room (I put them there to avoid the noise, but it didnt work much) so I turned on the stereo and some Motorhead got us all pumped.

We pressed on, and in an asteroid belt some fuckers decided to attack us. We fought back bravely, but during the attack they damaged the engine room. Ti was there. Banana went there to stop the fire, but got caught himself on it. Banana died in the arms of his only love, and I killed those assholes, eyes filled with tears. My oldest friend died, but not without finding true love first. I drank to his courage, his boldness, and to his gigantic phallus, the only one in his species to ever touch a pussy. A human sized, green, mantis one.

We moved on. After that terrible day, Ti decided to stay in the engineering room and we respected her grievance. Banana's ashes were mixed with space rubber and turned into a giant, jolly, space mantis dildo. It's the least we could do. When we got to the next sector end there was a slaver ship waiting for us. Ti came to the control room, I could see the rage burning in her red mantis eyes.

We were all enraged. I decided to engange in combat. Kill those motherfuckers.

I should have thought through it. During the ensuing battle they sent two slaves to our ship, and while we fought them Ti manned the ship's guns. We won, but not without losing another life: Shiino died by my side, fighting that space scum.

He was just a naive kid, trying to find something in space. I really liked him. He was like a son to me, no, like a younger brother. He kept us light in the most unexpected of situations. Here I was, without my two friends. We managed to free a slave, a robot dude called GMFaux came aboard, but I felt very, very alone. I decided to see this trip to its end, in the honor of my friends. I put a bit of Shiino's ashes in a shot of bourbon, and fired the FTL systems to our next sector.

It was a pirate sector. We found a store, and I hired a chick, Lana, short haired, serious faced doctor. I always had a weak spot for tough chicks, but I was too sad to think about anything now. I sent her to the shield room, sent GM to the guns dock and lef Ti in her grievious engi room. Shit got rough soon after.

We soon engaged some space pirates in a fight that almost killed us all. We only made it because of I kept my skill even drunk, and managed to jump to lightspeed faster than our enemies. While everyone was recovering in the doctor's room I decided I had to stop drinkin so much if we were to survive. I had to do it, to honor my dead friends and my remaining crew. I promised never to let them down again.

Gm left, Ti left too. Lana came over to me and said she didn't respect men without inner strenght. She said she though I was just a drunken wino, but when she heard our story she found out I was more than that. I told her I was glad to have her aboard, that she was more than I deserved. We spent the night together and I woke up decided to be a better man, for the sake of everyone. She had amazing, perky, beautiful small breasts.

Unfortunately, our next encounter was with a huge pirate ship. They destroyed us, room by room, until I gathered everyone in the health room, opened a bottle of bourbon, and we drank to our fate. We would soon, hopefully, meet our dead friends, or at least join them in becoming space dust. I died, but I had found friendship, understanding and love, in the most inhumane of places, Outer (Heaven) Space.


Hey, I'm brazilian so sorry for my (lack of ) grammar. I learned english playing videogames (seriously). Anyway, Faster Than Light is an AMAZING game with some KICKASS music. Buy it if you can. The indie guys really deserve it. Seriously, so far my GOTY is Lone Survivor. Let's support those dudes, they're putting out some great stuff.

Thanks to all involved, I should have taken more pictures, I know, sorry. Hope you guys enjoy my little story.
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About long johnone of us since 10:10 PM on 05.28.2012

I started playing games as a kid, on the good ol' atari. To this day my favourite game ever is Toejam & Earl on the genesis. I dig a lot of games, specially "odd" ones (pepsiman, courier crisis, urban chaos, tokyo jungle).