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Sick joke: clean in words, not in concept, super "don't visit the fourms much" edition

[yes, i know the 'editions' crap is old, but it makes me happy so deal with it. [: ]

i've been working on finding sick jokes ever since i heard the current 'winner' told to me. i posted this in the forums earlier, but wanted to put it on my blog for several reasons. first, i don't frequent the forums as much as i look through the blogs and the main site. i figure there are more like me so this way more people can enjoy it. second, i'm still looking for sicker jokes. the aristocrats doesn't count because it is too free form to pin down. sure dead baby jokes are pretty sick, but they still don't have quite the umph that the two jokes below have.

warning: these two jokes create some very disturbing mental pictures/concepts. i've already gotten one person today so consider yourselves warned. and on that note, Enjoy! [:

first the runner up, this is one competed with what i feel to be the worst and came in a very close second. **comment corner**[it is copied from another forum {didn't feel like typing it all out again} so it is a little cleaned up but you will get the point.]

A guy walks into a brothel going in to try and enjoy a few moments with one of the ladies. he walks up to a small window where a man is sitting. the guy walks up to the window and explains his situation to the proprietor of this brothel. "I was wondering if you could help me, I am in great need of the company of one of your ladies, but i only have $7 to my name. Is there anything you can do to help me?" the owner looks a little confused and a little aggravated for a minute then he shakes the look from his face and says "let me see what i can do" He gets out of the little room and walks down to the end of a hall. he returns a few minutes later and takes the man's money. he tells him "go down that hall way, go into the last door on the right, but don't turn the light on." the man figures that he must have put him with a real dog so he figured for his money he would just go about his business per the instructions of the owner. he walks back to room opens the door and walks in, closing the door behind him. As his eyes adjust just a little he sees the silhouette of a womens body on the bed. he begins to undress and work himself towards the women on the bed. he works his way up to her and all his pent up hormones get the best of him and he just goes right into it. he's got her legs up over his shoulders while he is just going to town like a wild animal. Finally he gets his release and he collapses over the women with much satisfaction. feeling quite proud of himself and macho, he tells the women she was a great shag and he might have to come back to see her again. he puts his cloths back on and just as he is closing the door behind him to leave he turns and notices that there is a glimmer under the woman's eyes, like she was crying. he closes the door and figures he should maybe mention this to the owner; i mean, a crying prostitute is bad for business. he walks out to the window and thanks the owner for his services and informs him about the women in the room. the owner thanks the man and the man turns to walk out the door.

just after he turns he hears the owner yell to the back.... "hey larry, i think the one in room 4 is full again"

now for the one that is my favorite:

I don't remember where i heard this, but it has been grossing out listeners for many years now. it takes a second at the end to understand, but then it hits you like a brick wall. [also, again, i'm cleaning it up. if you heard me say this joke in person it would be much more graphic. although my cleaned up versions do add a bit of shock to the jokes.] you have been warned, even cleaned up it is really gross, but i couldn't stop laughing/wanting to puke.

A guy walks into a brothel in much need of attention from a lady. he walks up to the madam and explains his situation. "Good evening. I would like to spend a little time with one of your ladies, but my problem you see is i only have $5 to my name. is there anything you can do to help me?" The madam looks at him for a second in thought and says "Sure." she snatches the money from his hand and says, "go down the hallway and go into room six."

The man walks down the hallway and enters the room, inside he finds a women that is old enough to his grandmother. He shakes that thought from his mind as he is too horny to really care. He needs some relief! he starts talking to the woman and she is putting on her best act for him trying to make him feel comfortable. he quickly ignores all the issues in his head and begins to play it smooth with the woman. He finally gets her on the bed with her legs in the air. he works his way into position and puts his 'member' inside her. He gets it half way in and realizes it feels like broken glass. like someone broke a twelve pack up and put it inside this women. he instantly withdraws and tries to nicely explain what he just felt. the old woman says, well you just stand there for a second and let me see what i can do. she spreads her legs and lets her fingers go to work. she puts on quite a show for the man and gets him completely interested again. she finally says, "ok, give it another go cowboy." He gets back on top of her and puts his 'member' inside her. This time, though, he is surprised to find that what once felt like broken glass felt like the softest, warmest thing he had ever laid into [pun?] he completely forgets what had shocked him a few moments ago and he gives this woman the most vigorous and energetic performance he had ever given. he finishes and slides off the top of her. he spends a couple of minutes regaining his composure while she lights up a cigarette.

he finally catches his breath and is compelled to ask about what just happened. he says, "wow, that was amazing, first it felt like broken glass, then you fingered yourself and afterwards it was the most amazing thing i've ever had the pleasure of 'spending time with'. what is your secret? what did you do to make it so wonderful?" She takes a drag off her cigarette, looks at him, smiles just the smallest bit and says, "Well once you break up all the scabs ...."
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About jerrtone of us since 5:47 PM on 01.16.2007

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