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Spoiler Alert: Mario is the Villain


I like bad guys. I like the idea of playing as bad guys. Unfortunately, there aren't really any games that let you play as the bad guy; not really. It's usually very superficial, and ultimately, you just end up as more of an anti-hero than a true villain.

But what if I told you that everyone's favorite red, mustachio'd corporate mascot was actually the actual villain of his games, actually?

"That's ridiculous, grey! Nintendo wouldn't troll us like that for nearly 30 years!" 

Well friends, science and facts and logic back me up.

FACT: Princess Peach is royalty.

FACT: Bowser is King of the Koopas, which also makes him royalty.

FACT: Mario is just an average, portly plumber, with a shroom addiction.

Taken these facts together, it only stands to reason that Mario is a creepy stalker, and Bowser is actually protecting Peach. This is backed up by the fact that the Koopas, and their king, don't have their own kingdom, and thus are clearly subjects of the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser and Peach are in cahoots!

Plus, what are the chances that a rich, powerful woman, who looks like this:

would be interested in a schlub, who looks like this?

Just look at those crazy eyes! If he can't have you Peach, then no one will!!!

For more evidence, let's look at some of the games. In the original Super Mario Bros., Mario trudges all the up to that first castle, throws Bowser in to a pool of lava (!), and gets his girl, right? WRONG! He's met with a decoy. Seven different decoys, in fact. Now, don't you think it would take a crazy amount of time for Bowser to build eight huge castles? Wouldn't Peach have something to say if a "bad guy" was doing that?? She must've known, and been okay with it!

And what happens when Mario finally defeats Bowser for the final time? 

Peach is just straight chillin. She's not locked up, or tied up, or nothin. She's just...there. Almost as if she was there willingly. And if she had really just been rescued, do you think she'd immediately have a "new quest" for her hero? No! She just wants him out of her hair!

Now, let's look at Super Mario 2. I always thought it was interesting that the first (and main) enemies in that game are called Shyguys. That doesn't sound very threatening or evil to me. In fact, you can stand on their head and ride them around for a bit, and they don't care! But what does supposed "good guy" Mario do when he turns up? He destroys their vegetable gardens, and slaps the poor Shyguys in the face with their own vegetables!! What a jerk!

"Oh, but grey! That whole game was just Mario's dream!" 

Yes, except that Shyguys have since shown up in other Mario games. That means Mario was dreaming of events that actually happened. Still a jerk!

One of the biggest criticisms of Peach's ruling style is that she never seemed to get more defense, despite constantly being kidnapped. However, understanding that Bowser is actually protecting her from Mario throughout the series, we can see that she actually does. In Super Mario 3, Peach employs the Koopa Kids, and an armada of airships. She even has Bowser hide her away in the foulest corner of Hell itself! That's desperation right there!! But try as she might, she can never get quite far enough away from that squatty creeper.

It escalates, and escalates, until Peach has no choice but to summon aliens, and break the laws of physics by creating intergalactic wormholes!

Is no place safe from that round-nose freak?? And how does he breathe in space anyway? Obviously, he got so desperate that he made a deal with the devil! Even knowing that all he ever gets is cake. Cake! That's not an adequate reward! Peach just knows that Mario can't resist food, so she gives him cake to distract him from wanting her peach. 

So as I have undoubtedly proven, Bowser is a misunderstood bodyguard; Mario is a world-class jerk and creeper, and Princess Peach ecchi art is pretty awesome.
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About greyXstarone of us since 3:53 PM on 09.07.2012

Hey there, my name is Matt and this is my awful blog where I give my silly ideas on things.

I play videogames sometimes, and now I write about them sometimes. I hope you'll agree with my opinions or you'll hurt my feelings.You don't want that on your conscience, do you?