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How to play video games: FPSs

FPSs aren’t just for shouting insults at pre-pubescent teenagers and informing your colleagues as to how and when you violated their parents; they are a vast sea of possibility for a gamer who loves to win and have fun! Below are ten handy hints and tips for people who want to make the most of their gaming time and teach their comrades the correct way to play.

1 – Pick the best gun.

After playing a First Person Shooter for a while you will notice that people complain about a particular weapon being overpowered or cheap. You will hear them cursing about the weapon and getting massively annoyed at anyone who repeatedly uses it. It may even be a combination of weapons or a specific add on. One hit kills are not uncommon and the general belief is that it takes very little skill or effort to use the weapon. “n00b”, “whore” or “fag” are normally prefixed or suffixed – n00b combo, noob-tube, nade-whore, P-90 fag, etc. Gamers understand its effectiveness on the battlefield and this bluster covers their fear.

Use it.

All the time.

It is the key to your victory.

2 – Camp

Camp does not mean acting like one of the Village People.

It means staying in the same, well defended spot and picking off the enemy at your leisure. You are actively challenging the enemy to come and get you, letting them know where you are at all times and still getting good scores. If you are getting killed regularly or people are not cursing at you, you’re not doing it right. Move to another spot and try again.

3 – Bounce

The developers put that Jump button in for one reason and one reason only: they are fans of Mario and understand that if you are a gamer, you are too. Walking and running is too easy and not using your abilities to their fullest extent. Take to the skies!

This makes it fun for other users too, as they rarely use the vertical axis.

4 – Find the spawns

When you die on the digital battlefield, IT’S OK! Miraculously, the scientists of the internet have harnessed an incredible function that allows users to re-appear as if they had never been blown up by that grenade-launcher you’re sure to have been using since you read section one. Spawns are like radar: they tell you where your enemy is going to be so that you can prepare yourself for combat.

Memorise all the spawns and make sure you are ready the moment your companions respawn. Set up traps, make sure you’ve got plenty of ammo and, potentially, pack some sandwiches. If you’re good at this part of the game, you may be here for the rest of the session!

5 – Celebrate!

After you kill somebody, it’s important to let them know exactly how you did it so that they can practice and become “full of win” like you. Go into detail! If you aimed for their head and it popped like a ripe watermelon, make sure you describe in full how hard it was to line the sweet spot of the grenade launcher directly with their cranium. Let people know exactly how many times you’ve killed them in a round, so that they can make notes. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate! Everyone loves a good story and a little embellishment can only add to the fun.

6 – Breathe

Breathing is essential to your continued existence. Without it, you will cease to be alive! Let people know you haven’t forgotten by breathing heavily into your microphone at all times. This is also the easiest way to let people know if you have an illness too! That little rasp in your breath may be the sign to your team-mates that you’re not on top form and they’ll band together to support you.

7 – Game with Pride

Let your love go out to the homo-sexual brethren online! It’s a well known fact that 75% percent of all gamers who play online are homosexual. Let them know that they have your support. Don’t phrase it like a question! Let them know you’re proud of their choice and that, even if they haven’t told their parents yet (both of whom you had relations with the previous evening) they should stand up and be counted. Moreover, let them know how much this pride in their orientation attracts you to them as a person. Once you’ve let them know that you “know”, make sure that they also know that, in a perfect world, if the two of you were in the same locale, you’d be more than happy to bump genitals with them. Specify that you’re a giver, not a taker. For example, a regular chat up line is “Hey! You’re a fag! If I ever find out where you live I’m going to fuck you!”. =)

Sometimes campers really are camp!

8 – Silence is golden

When everyone in your lobby has already taken it upon themselves to learn and practice the techniques detailed in section seven (above) remind them that they should take time to reflect on what they’ve said. Keep on repeating this, as a mantra for them to meditate with:

“Shut the hell up, you fucking fag!”

Use it every time someone slips up and says something further. REMEMBER: You’re also letting them know that you are aware of their virility and sexual orientation! Information is power!

9 – Drop out

If things aren’t going your way, there’s no point wasting other people’s time by continuing. They’ll become bored of lining you up in their sights and soon their kills will amount to double figures! Don’t trouble them with the hefty maths! Get out of there before they get confused! This is especially effective if you are the host of a game, as they will have to start afresh and will quickly forget all about that annoying section of their evening.

10 – Help your Team

There’s no B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y or Z in Team. Team only has four letters; T, E, A and M. There should always be a YOU in Team though. Let others know that you have their backs by aiming for them on a regular basis and sharing some of your ammo with them. You don’t have to shoot them enough to kill them, though this will help them find the Spawn points (see section 4). Just enough to make things more interesting for them when they encounter the enemy. They’ll be more cautious and their skills will improve! It will also remind them of section seven!

These tips will make your gaming a lot more interesting in FPSs and some of the techniques can even be applied anywhere online! As an additional suggestion:


People love snipers and combining this with sections 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6 is sure to set the world on fire!


That's all for now, my virile homosexual companions!! Next time I'll teach you how chat to real live girls online! Feel free to add to my incomplete list in the comments section!


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About glipeone of us since 5:33 AM on 07.12.2007

I've not gone away, I'm just really busy trying to make games!
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