[Disclaimer: This is meant to be satirical. It should be apparent once you read but for the up-tight this is here for that purpose, laughs. Also the use of the term gay is done so to point out how stupid it is to call everything gay. I am not a bigot and I apologize if I offend the gay guys on the site. I also like Gears Of War, Cliffy B and Epic Games so shut the fuck up]
Lately, I've found myself questioning why I've continued to pander to the needs of just one game in my X-Box 360 library. Perhaps it's cause I want to be cool like the cool kids, but after spending some serious time with the game over the weekend I've realized one fundamental truth. Gears Of War.....is gay. Much like when I fortold of the homosexuality of Ares
in God Of War, I too now bring you these reasons as to why Epic Games tour-de-force is infact so fucking gay it hurts.
1. It's Filled With Burly Musclar Men, But Where's The Women?
Gears biggest strike against it's straight audience is how fucking gay it is. Oh wait, sorry I haven't explained why yet. Okay but when you gotta spend time with a bunch of sweaty apes, with no women in site for nary the entire game one has to wonder. If war is hell, we can assume it's like prison right? Those weeks turn into months and months into years. All they have is each other. You fill in the rest.
However now Epic has decided that Gears Of War 3 will infact include women. Confused about it's sexuality as a series, they're finally letting the women get in on the action as the complaints of it being a "boys only club" have become too much prevalent for Cliffy B to ignore. However it's two games too late, what's obvious is obvious and Gears Of War is about sweaty dudes spending alot of time 'shooting' together.
2. Maria Is Dead For A Reason Livin' La Vida LIE.
Tragically, Maria wife of Dom died sometime during the events of Gears Of War 2. For anyone who I've ruined this for, you've had 2 FUCKING YEARS to play the game dude. The rest of us though, saw a character we sorta kind of care for sorta kinda mourn for the loss of his wife. Like stone, Marcus stood on barely giving a shit about Dom's loss. Why? He killed her of course.
You see Marcus and Dom are lovers. It's pretty obvious those two can't quit each other. Except as far as Marcus Phoenix is concerned his jealousy and hatred for Dom's "normal life" ran deep and he ultimately betrayed Dom's wife Maria to the Locust's in exchange for Dom's company during the war. Clearly all this will be revealed in Gears Of War 3.
3. The Roadie Run
Just look at that. The Roadie Run is so gay. Why do the COG's have to do this? Hell why do the Locust's have to do this? Even if everything I say here today is proven false (which it isn't) clearly the game's biggest evidence is the fucking Roadie Run. Is there any need for that? You can't say they're avoiding gun fire, because they can and will always find ways to shoot you so why is it that the COG can't just run like every other fucking character in video game history? Atleast have an option for running regularly. So what's all this in aid of anyway?
The Answer: Someone
at Epic wanted us to gaze longily into COG ass.
4. Being "Downed" is the COG equivalent for "Presenting"
The unfortunate numerous hours I've spent playing this game with fellow D-Toiders has made me notice something. One mrandydixon likes spending alot of time on the ground in the "downed" state. Trying to tell us something buddy? Nah I kid, Dixon's a cool guy with a wife and all but what were they trying to say with this? When a COG goes down, he's really presenting, like a Dog would for some of the other COG's to come over and um....take down some ass. Also, the fact they're bleeding is very curious. Sure the naysayers out there will say "but they just got shot a bunch of times, what do you expect?"
I say to said naysayers..."oh really? Are you looking at what I am? Clearly this man crawling on all fours with blood seeping from an 'unknown' area. Either he's the COG's town bicycle or I'm a guy slandering Gears Of War". The evidence is there people. You just gotta be brave enough to search it out.
Didn't you know? Besides touting how in love it is with big sweaty man meat, the Gears Of War series is an allegory for what could happen if those American Pig-Dogs don't respect the real threat that is Al-Qaeda. Sure upon first glance the evidence isn't all that noticable. I emplore you. Look closer. Now you see how The Locust represent the video game equivalent of Al-Qaeda and thusly all that is wrong with the gaming industry. That's pretty gay dood. I'm stating now, that I'm going to personally boycott the sales of Gears Of War 3 because of this. It's too soon. 9/11.
6. Corduroy Turtle doesn't have a PS3
Don't see the correlation? You're totally proving my point right there. 7. It's on the X-Box 360.
Clearly the Devil's system, X-Box and Microsoft themselves (Satan incarnate preveyor's of all things unholy) promote this filth gleefully. They also encourage the wantant murder of a man named "Carmine" claiming that unless fans buy their wares, he will be killed. This poor poor man. As I type this, a tribute fund is being set upon in his name to save him from MicroSATAN and to get him to safety.
Besides, X-BOX IS FUR X-BOTS DOOD. This guy
can attest to that. They make shoddy hardware that dies on you 2 WEEKS after purchase. Being all Satanic, Microsoft licks it's lips in salivation everytime they're crappy machine dies and and you shell out another 300-700 dollars on all the shit you need to buy the system.
That is all for now. 7 Deadly Secrets You Didn't Know About How TRUE It Is That Gears Of War Is GAY. With that being said I'm going to go play some Gea...God Of War now and not think about Ares and "The Cole Train" doing it. *shudders*
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