There I said it. Ares, the final boss from God Of War is gay. A total queen. Ruiner of gaming experiences. Smiter of fun, Ares doth proclaim that he will shit on your good time. While I wouldn't say God Of War is the greatest game known to man, I've enjoyed it's fighting, platforming and puzzle solving....even if the latter has had me scratching my head on a few occasions.
Even while I know nobody would care anyways, I absolutely KNEW I'd have to beat the first two God Of War games before I played the third. The irony of the statement was that Sony put this path infront of me by releasing the God Of War Collection. I knew well and good I would have bought God Of War III without any previous knowledge of the first two games. Why? I'm impressionable like that. Not really, but the raving and praise would have been too much. If not for that, definitely the excellent E3 Demo would have sealed the deal. Then Sony came along and said "you like Sony eh? Like our products, am I right? Well here's the first two God Of War games. We knew you'd never plug in that horribly broken PS2 again, you know the one, you bought it brand new and lost the receipt for it almost instantly? The one that had that insufferable freezing up problem after only 5 MINUTES of gameplay? Yeah we know you'll never plug it in again so here's the 'God Of War Collection'. Now you can play it on your PS3!" How quaint. Assholes.
So with this obstacle in my way, and my fear of cashiers peering into my eyes, nay my SOUL as if to say "wait a minute, that bloke hasn't beaten the first two games" as I walked out with a copy of a game I have no right playing forced me to pick up the God Of War Collection way back in November. I remember it well, I said "I'm gonna beat these games in time for God Of War III". Several months later, I've finally just beat the FIRST game. I really can't be blamed though, Fallout 3 exists. Blame that game. Another game that I still haven't beaten though technically I have because I beat the main story, just not the Add Ons. I really can't be blamed for that either. Batman: Arkham Asylum and Uncharted 2 exist. Both games I also never finished...oh wait nevermind I did beat those actually. Really it was constant freeze ups and sequences not playing....
So back to Ares. The ball bustingly hard final boss of God Of War. I know what you armchair gamers are like, you're gonna sit high upon your laurels and laugh at us pitiful mortals as you judge us on how hard a boss truly is. Does Ares compare to the bosses of old? How about today? Nay, none of that is important, because this is my blog, and I think Ares is a dickhead. Even more so I think the creators of God Of War are assholes. They want me to sit and play 3 seperate parts to a boss battle? ARGLE BARGLE. Let's look at this guy to get a better idea of why Ares is the lord of suck.
He's got spider like things coming out the back of him. a freakin' flaming hammer. His fists and a sword. Then his ranged spider claw attack. Pussy much? Then he never stops moving, EVER. Blocking him at first is easy and your powered combos are a good way to take damage off, but this Asshole always has to up himself. That fucking flaming hammer is control thrower for sure, but it gets better. He starts to turn up the heat and going into a constant barrage of attacks. I've had to consult guides on the game a couple of times, plus having someone whose played and beaten the game around to comment on puzzles and enemies always helps, however this guy is fucking ridiculous. Rage of the Gods? Hope you catch him on an off moment where you can do alot of damage. Poseiden's Rage helps...again if he ain't in constant duck and cover mode. However I had to freaking consult a GUIDE on what worked best for Ares. Army Of Hades apparently. It did alright in distracting him.
Then off to fight a bazillion clones of myself while protecting my family. Despite my forgetting about all the red orbs I got from getting past Ares, I'd constantly forget to level up the Army Of Hades to it's fullest potential (which I did the time I beat it thank god) but I love this game for throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you. Firstly fight off all your damn clones, Then as the building breaks apart TRY mind you...without your fucking clones knocking you back, to stay UP on the small ass area the game gives you to attack these guys. Oh by the way give your family hugs for health. You better be all huggy and shit or they'll die. What's worse is that you better not get bored or tired of dying because if you quit, you do all this shit over again. So Army Of Hades, Rage Of The Gods, Army Of Hades again, done. Back to the Destroyer of Good Times.
So in the final part, you're stripped of your powers and given a sword to fight off Ares. And as one last "fuck you" the game decides that it's a literal tug of war of death, as you and Ares now share a health bar. Ares of course still powerful as fuck, and here you are with a sword, a "gift from the gods" as you prepare to slug it out while curse words are heard and controllers are almost thrown in lieu of throwing things that are okay to break. But seriously, this was the part of the game where I swore up and down that Ares was "fucking gay" and that "God Of War fucking sucks" and that "if that's the way this game want's to play it, see if I buy God Of War III assholes". After many many losses, the game asked me if I wanted to switch to "Easy Mode".
It wasn't easy. I weighed the decisions carefully, be Ares' constant butt pirate or actually beat the game? It was a tough choice, but for the sake of my health and sanity I switched to Easy Mode. Not since I handed off my controller to my younger brother to defeat Liquid Ocelot in a bout of CQC to help conclude Metal Gear Solid 4 have I felt such deep shame. Somewhere, Doves literally cried. It wasn't long after that I beat the game. I believe my literal words were "thank fucking Christ". So I wrapped up and enjoyed watching as Kratos became the new God Of War. Good Stuff.
Sure, what a baby. Getting pissed at a video game. Believe me, while the fits of rage usually come and go and aren't constantly happening (to a real angry level anyways) I've learned something valuable from my swigs of Rage-ahol. It means quality. In the end I really enjoyed God Of War. I think it's a game of quality. Will I be going anywhere near it anytime soon? FUCK NO. But I think a game that didn't hold my hand, and challenged me to my breaking point is actually a good thing. Sure not something I want to be constantly be embroiled in, but definitely the extremes are needed to help level out the whole experience. As an experience God Of War is definitely up there, and to be totally fair I actually liked the Kratos clones part of the final boss battle. Added some great drama.
Now before you say it, yes I've seen Zeus in fucking action and I fucking well know I'll hate that fucker too, but guess what? Time to trudge on to God Of War II! Someday I'll play the third game. I promise.