[Keep in mind, all of the post below is completely fictional. The majority of the images are photoshopped, and the entire story below is a complete lie.
Look, I drink.
And when I'm not being thrown off of party boats into the shark infested waters of the Pacific coast, I'm usually attempting to drink your nation's congressmen under the table. I always win. (Due to age restrictions, I always get to drink apple juice, while you'll always find Ted Stevens
vomiting a colorful mix of rum & juice
in a rainbow spray under the desk.) However, this one was special, since the internet's most respected RL meme decided to actually place a bet inside of this particular drinking contest. And I quote:
However, due to a sudden inner ear infection rerouting the series of tubes through his ear drums, it was decided that I would get to pick the place to travel to, provided that it starts with a J. Since I'm not too keen on visiting Juneau in Alaska, Jacksonville in Tennessee, or JewLand™ in Israel [actually, thats all
of Israel.] I settled on the HAPPYGOLUCKYFUNFUNメガ極度のロボット日本 Land of Japan. Specifically, 秋葉原電気街; Akihabara Electric Town, the heart of Japan and its electro-erotic abundance of gaming nirvana and miscellaneous geek treasures unknown to the rest of the world.
: Going against the wishes of Senator Stevens, I have found it best to post during and after images of his drunken spree.
Of course, if I'm going to a foreign land, I'm going to need my essentials. I packed my DS, 360, the necessary adapters needed for power conversion. Of course, that also includes the only 4 shirts I planned to wear the entire span off the trip. Then, I was off. [Not pictured: Pink Godzilla™ shirts.]
Luckily for me though, the plane ride wasn't that bad, as watching the outburst from a single mother as a response to the exposure of the adult pleasures of the world to 3 year olds is pretty much the only in-flight entertainment I get, as I don't feel like watching the American Airlines version of Ratatouille
for the 15th time on a 13hr Trans-Pacific flight without consuming the dish of the same name
. All in all, the flight gets a
Out of five.
As I stepped off the flight, I expected my first sight of Japan to be something along the "hot-Japanese-women-in-the-airport", but seeing as I was blinded by the smell of Hard Gay in my eyes, my first sight was at the baggage claim, when a seemingly racist chauffeur was called to pick me up and take me to my hotel.
A quick call to the wise Ron Workman reveals that I made one too many beta key request, and should not have asked him to set up my travel plans. I ended up staying in the same room that MaxVest
and BahamutZero had stayed in previously, and Ron, being the overall generous guy he is, decided to add the traditional Japanese wake-up
to my daily schedule, every morning at 5AM. Thanks, Ron.
Back to the trip. Even though I promised myself to describe the trip in detail, I've decided it best to skip the limo ride and hotel entrance, as it was easily the worst part of my trip. I was filled with as much detest for the Japanese people as WW2 veterans. So I'll basically just tell you what happened while I was in the Land of the Rising Sun.
[Note: I lost my vacation footage, and therefore, this is as close to a psychadelic Japanese montage as I'll get. Just pretend that Dave Fenton is actually me, and that the geisha i-... no wait, keep the geisha. The image in my head is turning our better than I thought.]
So my first few days in Akihabara was spent just getting to know the locals. I will admit, I suck at speaking any form of Japanese languange. The most success I had without a translator was me asking how to get to the nearest restaurant, which ended up with me getting to play Wii Sports with some of the locals. I fucking suck at it. This, of course, resulted in me screaming an extraneous amount of words I shouldn't know at this age, which in turn, resulted in me being edited out of the commercial in which I was set to star.
By the time I had gotten to know the language a little better, it was the 4th day of my 5 day trip, meaning I had two days to experience the highlights of Japan, and see all the country had to offer. I had learned a valuable lesson by this time as a Japanese tourist as well. The only reason I had brought my Destructoid shirts was to spread the word of our Robotic Overlord to the Japanese, and I couldn't do this just by wearing a shirt. So instead, I opted to wear my Toadstool helmet as well, which lead people to think that Japan was allowing crazy people into their city once more. I had ten people run up to me, only to then tell them of a magical, but totally virtual, land where bushes are grey, drank is urnge, and cocks are.... also. Of course, at one time, outside of the Dell shop, I was attacked by a mob of policemen. Apparently, the helmet made it look like I was a serial killer.
By the time I was out of the clutches of the Japanese police, I had decided to spend the day doing something productive [read: Japanese gaming, LOL YEAH] or just fun. I headed to Sega Gameland
, where, and I swear to God this is true, my pants did not stay dry for any consecutive period of 3 seconds. I had a Japanese security guard ask me if I had a problem. I payed him 20 bucks an hour to switch out my pants for me so I could finish my Crazy Taxi dry run. I even got to play a Japanese exclusive [see, I knew exclusives were good for something!] Sega arcade game called Wally wo Sagase!
, which, I shit you not, was a "Where's Waldo?" arcade game. Do not want. And yet, Waldo still made my pants wet.
Note to self: Think sentences in head before typing them out for the world to see.
Of course, I could go on and on about the Sega arcade, but I was only in there for an hour or so, after peeing on the Sega Rally GT machines. All in all, this was easily one of the greatest parts of my trip.
The rest of the day was spent sampling all the finest cuisine that Japan had to offer.
But in all seriousness, the Japanese do have some of the finest food in the world.
One of my favorites that I ate while I was in Akihabara was the Tamago kake gohan [left], Tsukemono [top right] and Miso-shiru [bottom right], which was boiled rice with a raw egg and soy sauce, Japanese pickles, and a delicious soup made of 'dashi' in a miso paste. It sounds like shit, and it tastes like shit too, but it was mostly my favorite, just from seeing the reaction of other tourists after eating it. Especially one tourist in particular, who decided it best to seem like he was in Japan. The idiot got his regions mixed up and decided to yell "AIYAAAH!", you know, from Jackie Chan Adventures.
Of course, onto my last day in Japan, which I actually spent outside of Akihabara. I took a train down to Nipponbashi [also known as Denden Town] to shop for some souvenirs to give away on the site, and also to find some amazing electronics that I wouldn't be able to find anywhere else in the world. While I did not come across any consumer market ASIMOs or keepons, I did get the chance to pick up some great gifts for some members of Destructoid, while also collectively picking up a grab bag of Japanese things to give to random people that fall under the category of "Not Whiteboy0869".
Of course, this was the highlight of my day, as I passed out back at my hotel around 8PM. It really sucked that I had to go back the next day, but eh. Que cera cera. I'm just glad that the plane trip back was more entertaining that the one coming to Japan. (They had a Chicken Little/Talladega Nights "Shake N' Bake" BluRay double feature on the way back.)
I'm glad I got the chance to share my experiences in Japan with everyone. I need to leave to get my Halloween costume ready (I'm going dressed as an asian man. I really wish that were a joke) so thats the end for now.