Hey there, I'm the man with nothing to lose. You may remember me from the blockbuster movies Die Hard, Die Hard 2: die harder, Die Hard with a vengeance, Die Hard 4, the soon to be released Die Hard 5: Obamacare, and numerous others. I was also in a couple of Bruce Campbell movies, some of those shitty webcomics you read online, countless graphic novels, and even some Japanese anime (which were very hard to act in, what with the breasts and all). I was also in a couple of video games, but I'll get to that later.
Anyway, I would like to tell you about myself. Contrary to my name, I do own things. I have a job (though it's not very glamorous, usually a policeman. I tend to be married, have a couple of kids, but the fact remains the same: I could die at any moment and I wouldn't even care
. I have also been known to be a chemist.
Life is pretty hard for me, having nothing to lose and all. Usually I would just like to sit down and have a cup of coffee, but then suddenly someone just has
to murder/kidnap my entire family. How annoying is that? Well, it's not always my family, but most of the time it is. Sometimes it's a nuke in the center of a city that needs to be disarmed, or perhaps some terrorists hijack the building I'm in. Point is I just can't get away. And this is a problem. It's as if I have an unbreakable bond with chivalry.
At first I thought that getting video games would be good for me. Suddenly, the world gets more interesting. No longer am I just a policeman, now I'm a policeman who pops pills like skittles and can make everything go in slow mow (both of those are probably related). But I'm not just a junky policeman, I'm also a soldier! Sweeping across a vast landscape of dead bug thingies, the slightly different shades of gray and brown shifting constantly as I try to find my kids and my wife Maria or whatever her name was that time. That's right, it was Dom who had nothing to lose
I don't have to be a human though. With video games, many times has the inability to lose anything of significant value traveled trans-species. More times than you may think, in fact. Sonic, the hedgehog with nothing to lose.
However, as it turns out, I deeply regret my decision. Not because of the lack of employment, no, quite the opposite. I have way too much
employment. It seems like every single company wants to jump on the "losing nothing" bandwagon. It's understandable to think that people would want more no-losers in this economy, but come on, the moment I got the call from SingStar, I knew it had to end. I have so much money saved up from my work right now that if I were to donate it all to Guam, 50% of the world population would know where the hell it is
. Singy Mc. Star-Star, the ultimate man with nothing to lose. Also kind of a douche.
So please, developers, I'm tired of it. The people are tired of it. Even people who don't play video games are tired of it (not entirely due to my large influence over them). Why can't we do a game about a man with everything to lose for a change? My cousin is perfect for the job. I'm begging of you. I bought this game for 90 cents at the local Fry's electronics and it wasn't worth it.
LOOK WHO CAME: