Oh, hello there, fellow scurvy ridden readers and delectable wenches! Dread Pirate Stefan Turnbull here and I claim this near-derelict blog in the name of...er...Dread Pirate Stefan Turnbull obviously!
Anyway, when I’m sailing on the turbulent, salty and foamy brine that is the internet, I like to stop off and raid blogs for their precious cargo of tobacco, herbs and hobo spices from my vessel The Domo-Kun
While I’m there, I like to distract my victims with soothing sounds of tenuous sea songs while my crew rifles through their wallets and turn valuables into booty...or something. I like to think of it as my calling card, like that hilarious duo The Sticky Bandits in the land lubbers’ favourite Home Alone
YAR HAR HARRRR!
Mastodon – Blood and Thunder
Mastodon are famous for abridging Herman Melville’s novel Moby Dick
for illiterate metal fans. I once asked an editor at a famous publishing house if he would read my manuscript called Moby’s Dick
; a true account about the famous techno-pop musician and his self-confessed ‘hilarious’ game of whipping out his John Thomas and secretly wiping it on other celebs. The editor hated it, so I burned down the building and stole his personal assistant/wench! YAAAAAR!!!
The Bronx – Knifeman
The Bronx are from L.A. and they wrote a song called ‘Oceans of Class’, so what they know about sea faring life is beyond me! Well, unless they live right on the coast, but they’re a punk band, thus have no riches and most likely are from the inner-city area. So in summary, they know nothing! As evidenced by this video...sharks can’t survive in fresh water swimming pools! *rolls eyes*
Billy Talent – The Navy Song
YAH HA HAAAAR! Insert your own nautical pun here!
Every Time I Die – Godspeed Us To Sea
God sped me to the sea once. I was late for my own raiding party. He’s a nice guy actually! If you see him, tell him ‘Yaaaaaargh!’ and give him a homoerotic wink from me. He’ll know what you’re talking about. Well, unless he’s been drinking.
Mad Capsule Markets – All The Time in Sunny Beach
God bless Japan and their crystal clear seas that are devoid of intelligent mammals like whales.
Heavens – Patent Pending
While Matt Skiba is usually found fronting Alkaline Trio, he's also a Satanist, which is nice. Tenuously, Marilyn Manson once said ‘I’m not a slave to a God that doesn’t exist’, which was kind of at odds with the fact he joined his local Satan Church Thingy. I mean, one can’t exist without the other and I should know. When they shared a flat together in London, it was like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in The Odd Couple
Are these jokes doing anything for you?
Million Dead – I Am The Party
They’re playing on the beach, even though he’s singing about electioneering methods. Well, I like them, so shut up. I'm robbing you, remember?!
Doves – The Sea Song
Doves aren’t really sea faring creatures like the obviously named seagull, the not so obvious albatross and the ever faithful parrot, so why they’re singing about the sea is beyond me. They don’t even like flying in the rain! The lily livered pansies! YAAAAR!
Minus The Bear – Monkey! Knife! Fight!
Minus The Bear made an album called Highly Refined Pirates
and there’s a song on there with the word ‘monkey’ in the title. You know, like The Secret of Monkey Island
had pirates in it!
Alright, alright Goddamit! I’ll admit that I’m clutching at straws here and I put this up because the song is awesome! GOT IT! YAAAAR!
Modest Mouse – Ocean Breathes Salty
Not really a song about sea faring life, but they also did a video for Dashboard
where the singer is dressed up like my first love. Plus, it also features famous guitarist Johnny Marr (The Smiths
) losing all sense of dignity by dressing up as an idiot and dancing like a robot. That’s what happens when you sign to a major label.
Pixies – Wave of Mutilation
You can usually find me sailing on my own wave of mutilation during the weekends. It’s right on a sewage outlet pipe just off the Bristol Channel.
The Paper Chase – This Flood (Acoustic version)
Flooding is to do with the sea right? Oh wait, that’s rivers. Either way, make sure you’re stocked up on sandbags and paid up with your home insurance. Flooding is no joke. Although it is pretty funny to watch posh people’s homes get ruined if you live near a burst dam.
Deftones – Cherry Waves
Yaaaaaargh! I’ve run out of pirate-esque jokes! Thank God, we're at the end, huh? YAAAAARGH!
Bobby Darin – Beyond The Sea
Kevin Spacey once played Bobby Darin in a movie, despite the fact that he’s in his fifties...I’m not sure where I’m going with this one but it was probably going to be a laugh at Kevin Spacey’s expense since I’ll never forgive myself for watching him in that awful movie K-Pax
, so I’ll just shut up now.
So there you go my lovelies! While you were listening to those delectable songs that were vaguely about the deep blue yonder, I pilfered all your valuables and converted them into pirate booty!
YA---! Hang on...I can’t seem to swing back to my ship here. Could you give me a push?
A bit harder please...
HARDER! YES! Thank you!
Alas, I must be on my way, to raid other derelicts like the Atari forums and then bury my hard earned swag because let’s face it, with the economy the way it is, it’s safer to store it on a beach than put it in the bank. Right?
Now where the hell did I put the keys to this speedboat?
LOOK WHO CAME: