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Zombie Orwell reviews Mass Effect


This time I am reviewing ...


wait for it

A NON ZOMBIE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would I do such a thing? Well, firstly, this game actually does have creatures that somewhat resemble my zombie brethren. So I will discuss them. Secondly, I will do a discussion of other aspects too. You will love it because of how smart and insightful my analyses are. (And it will inspire you to send me erotic poems about you and me!!)

"Mass Effect" is a great title for a game because "Mass" means several things.

1: If you say someone has mass it means they are fat. For example "You are so mass!" Or "I am such a mass ass."
2: If you go to a mass it means you are at a church or religious lesson.
3: Mass is also the past tense of the word "moose." But there aren't any dead mooses in this game.

"Effect" is a word that everybody knows so I won't explain that.

However, I think the word "mass" in the title means those tall purple aliens who hang out on Omega and talk about their evil pagan religion.

I'm just kidding!

They actually hang out on the Citadel.

So clearly the main theme of the game is in the "Effect" that the player feels by attending the "Masses" led by the Hanar. Mass Effect

But anyway let's talk about zombies, baby.

Husks are zombie-like beings in Mass Effect 1. They appear to lack all mental capacity. At the very beginning of ME1 they seem only to want to smack the bejeezus out of Commander Shepard. This is obviously crap. Zombies don't hit people. True, zombies do eat human brains, but only so we can survive.

Though I shouldn't spend too much time on the differences between zombies and husks because the husks aren't zombies. They don't represent my people. And Bioware doesn't harbor my people any ill will, so I can't entertain any notion of them being crypto-zombies placed in the game to subliminally indoctrinate humans against undeceased individuals.

I think a more interesting topic of study is the mind control used by the main bad guy, Saren. He kills people and places them on spikes

Clearly these spikes represent the phallus. The spikes transmit some kind of mind control fluid into the victims. When the victim is removed from the spike, it is no longer human. It has an irrepressible desire to kill other organic life forms. But why do the husks want to kill? Because more victims = more husks on mind control spikes.

If we pay close attention, we will see a dangerously anti-male message here. Saren's spike/phallus impales a victim who may as well be dead. The victim then loses control of its mind. (The victim is a murdered human in Mass Effect, but the husk is a metaphor for any female who has had relations with a male) The husk (or female) begins seeking other victims (females) and enticing them to become "impaled on the spike." And from that point the number of females getting impaled by Saren's spike increases exponentially.

And can you guess what the mind control fluid represents?

The point of the game is to murder Saren (who represents all males) in order to reach utopia. And utopia will exist once all phalli (spikes) have been eradicated.

Obviously Bioware is a feminist front organization.

I don't usually get political like this, but I needed to explain Bioware's husk metaphor. It's too easy to see them as mere zombies when in reality, according to the game, all men are evil and all male-female relations represent an unwilling coercion and victimization of women. As I've demonstrated, Bioware may not necesarily hate zombies, but they definitely hate males.

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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!