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Zombie Orwell reviews Left 4 Dead (4 Elsa)

Elsa mentioned that she would like a review of Left 4 Dead. If anyone has earned the right to command the zombie who is Orwell (who is me), it is Elsa. Considering her years of service to this old, shambling Destructzord we call home, I have decided that she must be promoted. Stick around after the review for an awards ceremony for the zombie who is Elsa.

This game is glorious. As soon as you start, a talking helicopter informs you that you must proceed to Mercy Hospital in order for rescuing from zombies to occur. (This is particularly devilish: get the humans' hopes up just before the zombies eat their filthy heads! Clever, Valve!) And unlike many other zombie games, in this one you are not alone. You have a team of humans whose hilarious, screaming deaths you must orchestrate.

There is an oddly unrealistic zombie who operates much like the Scorpion character from a human videogame I once saw. The Scorpion screams "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COME HERE PLEASE!!!!!!" while he shoots a tractor beam wire at his opponent. In Left 4 Death the scorpion-like zombie doesn't yell anything, but he shoots a fleshy chord that pulls you to him. This seems like a good strategy for long range combat. Perhaps we can develop this technology. Somebody reading this: please develop. Your leader commands you.

Another thing I quite like about this game is the speed of the zombies. Never before has such speed been witnessed. Even I, the world's most Orwellian writer, struggle to maintain a slow jog. But the zombies in Left 2 Die can move at a dead sprint for half a mile before their hands start shaking. Let this be an inspiration to us all. More exercise means we can catch more athletic humans!

There is a zombie called Boomer who explodes and covers the humans with toxic acidy stuff. Although 'tis a hilarious way to die, I'm not sure how easy it will be to fill ourselves with. Seems like an unnecessary zombie casualty.


The human tactics in this game seem pretty realistic. It will be interesting to see their tactics in real life, but for now I'd say Left 4 Death is a good approximation of actual combat scenarios. In my playthrough I had 3 other human companions. I studied their movements closely. Right at the beginning (after the helicopter said to go to the hospital) some of the humans started jumping around and spinning in circles. I assume this means they were excited.

Occasionally when they would kill a zombie one of them would start jumping and spinning over the corpse of the redeceased zombie. Although it is a cruel and degrading ritual, I believe that we may exploit this hole in the humans' combat strategy. It might be a good opportunity for us.

Another quick tactic: Periodically the humans will face a large wave of zombies. These moments can be very stressful for the humans. They will often start shooting willy-nilly, they will get separated, they will do even more jumping, they will shoot each other, etc. I like the essence of this approach, but it seems like the zombies suffer too many casualties here. Can we somehow capitalize on the intense fright and disorganization of these moments without losing any comrades?

Overall I think this game is better than Amy but not quite as masterful as Zombies Ate My Neighbors. I give it a Left 3 Dead out of 4.



I will now make a grand and impressive speech:

For her noble contributions to the Zombie Liberation Movement; for her courageous courage in the face of incorrigible horrors; for throwing her husband off a cliff; for sacrifice most sacrificial in the name of all undeceased,

I, the zombie who is Orwell, do hereby ordain and declare that Elsa be promoted to the rank of Subcomandante Insurgente.

Que siga la lucha. Que viva la democracia. Que mueren los pinches seres humanos.

Now rise Subcomandante Insurgente Elsa. Greet your humble co-revolutionaries."

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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!