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Zombie Orwell
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LONG BLOG

Zombie Orwell gets a boner for Boner Quest

   0
This narrative explains how I manged to find an unopened copy of the much sought after Boner Quest, developed by Lascivious Entertainment. In my next cblog I will give a proper review. Until then, please enjoy my humble words.

There I was, shambling across the dirty dirty dirty dirty streets of Chicago. The filthy streets of Chicago. The pigeon shit-caked streets of Chicago. The urine-soaked streets. The human-filled streets.

Where was I?

Oh right. Shambling. In filth.

Then, suddenly, I heard a horrible, high-pitched sound. It's a sound I hadn't heard in a couple years. It's a sound that always makes me hungry.

The song called "Young Folks" by Peter McBjorn and John McBjorn starts with a terrifying whistled tune. Every time I hear it, I know there is a human very nearby, because no zombie would ever listen to it. Therefore, the song always provokes a Pavlovian response within me.

When I heard this sound, I looked around for the source and found it immediately: An open window on the first floor of a small apartment building in Chicago's uber-gentrified Andersonville neighborhood.

Anticipating no armed response, I climbed in through the window. As a bored-sounding European man sang about the different kinds of people whose conversation topics he found uninteresting, my hunger reached a dangerous level. (When I was human I would get quite hungry, obviously, but the hunger that a zombie feels is entirely different. It pushes your entire nervous system (or what's left of it) into overdrive. At that point you basically feel like a half-conscious food monster. Scary stuff.)

I could hear water running in another room. Easy prey, right? Yeah, except that I made the mistake of glancing at the entertainment system in the living room. I had never seen a human's videogame collection before, so I decided to check it out. There were many of the games you'd expect to find: Resident Evil, Amy, Red Dead Redemptor (AKA "Currently Post-Deceased Communist Gets A Happy Ending"), something called Final Fantasy 8, Sonic Is A Hedgehog, Sports Game 2K1, Lady Gaga's Pro Bowling, Samit's Underwater Detective Agency, Naked News, and Halo.

But something caught my eye. It seemed to shine brighter than the other games.

"Boner Quest HD" it said. I picked it up. On the cover was a gleaming human phallus, sword in hand, looking into the distance.

I had heard so much about this game. On the old Podtoid (before Jim Starlight resurrected it from the dead) the hosts would constantly chatter about their time with the game. "Boner," Samit would say. "Quest," Jim would follow.

"Boner!"

"Quest!"

"Boner!"
"Quest!"
"BOner!!"
"QUest!!"
"BONer!!!"
"QUEst!!!"
"BONEr!!!!"
"QUESt!!!!"
"BONER!!!!!"
"QUEST!!!!!"
"BONER QUEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

They would shout this for several hours without pause.

I need this game, I thought. So I stuffed the game into my Secret Zombie Compartment and leaped silently out the window. I ran home as fast as I could.

I opened my door, shoved my roommate out of the way, crammed the disc into my console, and played.
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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!
 



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