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The Devastation and Destruction of Destructoid: Chapter 6

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13

Chapter 6

Narrator X � Lord Father Miyamoto, please grant them safe passage to your shiny arcade in the sky. Things unravel.


They opened the hatch on top of the Dzord's head. A man in a red helmet and spandex came levitating out. He was grinning.

�Excellent speech, my friend. Gift of the silver tongue. They say it's the mark of a good blogger.�

�Identify yourself!� shouted Strider. The man clad in red lost his smile.

�I am Samitshaska! Also called...� he paused for dramatic effect. �Shotgun Octopus.� He grabbed Niero.

�Now, do not interrupt me again,� said Samitshaska. �As I said, Niero, you gave a fine speech, and that was a truly euphoric dance number. Daft Punk and Nile Rodgers in the same song. Haha... Who woulda guessed? But the good times they are a-changin', as my friend Bob Dylan once told me.�

�Leave Niero alone!� Jordan Devore leaped at Samitshaska. They fell to the ground, with Niero. Samitshaska quickly regained composure, pushed Jordan off, grabbed Niero again, and stood back up. Then a shock wave exploded from his helmet. All the Dtoiders went flying. They thudded on the ground. Samitshaska jumped into the Dzord's hatch with Niero.

Mr. Andy Dixon was still in the air, having braced for the shock wave. He saw the zord crash through the ceiling of the hangar. This is my responsibility now. None of his Dtoid comrades could fly. Moreover, they had all been knocked unconscious and had probably sustained grave injuries.

This shall truly be House Dixon's greatest day. He blasted forward in pursuit of Niero's kidnapper. The Dzord was halfway downtown and lazers were spraying from its eyes. Andy saw the offices where his developer friends had made a game about a father who was also a dad. Then he saw a lazer melt their building.

�NOOO!!� he screamed. The building was gone in a second. So was the Dzord. It disappeared. Samitshaska had vanished with Niero and the beloved mech/zord/robot. Andy flew into Chicago's skyscraper canyons.

A few seconds later he emerged on the lake side. He did not find them, so he went up. Then he saw it motionless below him. Andy rushed toward Niero and his kidnapper. The draw distance is amazing! I can even see the hatch from here. No pop up! But not enough bloom and lens flares. Real life graphics get a 9.5 out of 10.

The Dzord was still stationary. Andy sped toward it and landed on the head. Something silver flashed in front of him. The next second he was on his back getting beaten by several of the flying silver things. The members. He retreated and saw the metal phalli return to their places on the outside of the zord.

He flew at it again, this time aiming for the eyes. I'm gonna smash through that glass and drag that red shithead out screaming. He closed his eyes and rammed into the Dzord with all his power, but the glass stood strong. Andy opened his eyes and found himself in a cage.

He could just barely see outside through tiny spaces between the bars. The cage was flying him away from Niero, away from his kidnapped leader. He kicked the bars, but they didn't budge. Niero, I'm coming. We're all coming. We'll save you.

While Andy fought against the huge members that formed his temporary prison, he saw the Dzord lift slowly into the air. Samitshaska, you will bleed. I, too, can fly. And I shall bring you pain. Half of the huge members had flown back to the Dzord, affording him a view of the Chicago skyline.

Only then did he realize he was hovering over Lake Michigan. The cage plummeted. Andy grabbed the bars and felt his stomach slam up into his throat. He tried to fly upward, but the cage did not relent. He struggled against the bars in a weightless free fall, his only option was to brace for impact.

As he watched the lake rise up to meet him he felt a surreal peacefulness mixed with terror.

He smashed into the water, somehow harder than concrete. His body gasped involuntarily forcing water into his lungs. He gasped and coughed. Each gasp brought more water into his body. He thrashed at the cage as he saw the sunlight fading above him.

His prison dragged him down and down. He tried to scream. He yanked the bars as hard as he could. It was no use. He was exhausted. Again, he tried to scream, but managed only to push water out of his lungs. He cried as the cage hit the bottom of the lake.

He felt life slipping away from him. He gave up and he gave in. Mr. Andy Dixon closed his eyes. I tried, Niero. The rest is up to you. My fight is now over. Forgive House Dixon, please.

The huge members broke formation and returned to the Destructzord. Their threat had been neutralized.

Niero watched the members fly back toward the mech.

�We both knew there would be sacrifices, Niero. Theirs and ours.�

�He deserved a better death,� said Neiro. �Not like this, Samit. He deserved a warrior's death.�

�He got a warrior's death,� said Samit. �He died trying to save you. And now the others will have two martyrs. They'll have twice the fury, twice the drive.�

Niero sighed. �Let's just get this over with.�

�I didn't want him to die like this either,� said Samit, �but this fucking thing stalled. Anyway it doesn't matter. People are going to die. Things are going to take on their own momentum. We can't turn back.� Niero didn't respond.

Samit hit the thrusters and the Dzord sped away, leaving Mr. Andy Dixon at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!