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Talking To Humans About Videogames (with Smurfee Mcgee and Colton Phillips)

Our dearest dearest dearest comrade Smurfee Mcgee has captured a filthy human called Colton Phillips.

I'm having problems with the bbcode, but here's a copy/paste link for ya: https://twitter.com/ColtonPhillips

Apparently he is a developer of anti-zombie propaganda games. We will need someone to infiltrate this organization. Somebody please go stalk his twitter account. I also have just set up a twitter, but this is not an official announcement. Like a game developer, I have no announcements to make about the existence or nonexistence of any twitter accounts. Now give my game a good score or I'll blacklist you.

(Minor confession: this TTHAV series seems like cheating since a lot of the writing comes from others. But some people seem to enjoy it. And I genuinely enjoy reading the thoughts of various humans. And so it shall continue!)

If you would like to participate, let me know. And now here is Smurfee's luscious interview:

Interviewer: Smurfee Mcgee
Interviewee: @ColtonPhillips

The following transcript is from the interview I conducted with my human. As they say, at least in my country, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; so naturally I lured him into my basement with a honey trail, rather than just kidnapping him. It was a success! As he lapped up the final bits of sticky, splintered honey off of my antique rocking chair, I offered to give him some milk (with honey) if he would stay and answer my (and your) tough but fair questions. So here's how our delightful conversation went:

P.S. I tagged him for easy tracking when the time comes. ;)

Q1: Yes or no: How much influence does the typical human have in our beloved Videogames Industry?

A: Modern video games are now designed primarily by small robotic learning machines called Grimbles. These machines, which are usually furry and huggable, do most of the heavy lifting on all bands of the game design spectrum. The human's role is typically to feed, pet, and maintain the grimble, while providing it with a false sense of love and companionship.

Q2: What is the typical human's favorite developer?

A: The rise of the Internet has actually changed the genetic makeup of the human population. The average human in our society is now genetically closer to a slug-dog than Ghandi or some sort of ape creature. As slug-dogs we humans typically consume anything that is given to us. Therefore it is mathematically impossible to determine the human's favorite developer. It's as impossible as determining a cat's favorite play toy. There are simply too many to choose. Through De'Morgan's Law we can deduce that the human's least favorite game developer is The Irate Gamer.

Q3: Given that the objective of 91% of videogames is to find hilarious ways for the zombie antagonists to murder the player-controlled character, why do some humans insist on gaming?

A: Please refer to the definition of slug dog.

Q4: If you were to make a game with zombies in it, what would it be like?

A: I typically build small games that I know I can finish entirely by myself. If I made a game with zombies in it, it would probably be like pong.

Q5: Will you surrender?

A: Midas.

Q6: Do you keep any weapons in the house? If so, where?

A: Bearded Rob guards my house at all times. Passers-by will often witness him squatting and chewing oats aggressively. I've had no altercations thus far.

Q7: How many licks does it take? Why or why not?

A: As a slug dog I cannot count the exact amount. I can only approximate it to be larger than 10 fingers and 10 toes.

Q8: What is your favorite videogame?

A: Justin Smith and Jacob Schwartz - Evolution Racer
(Zombie note: I can't get the link to work. Here's the text:

Q9:If you are granted the privilege of becoming an Undeceased Citizen, what skills will you bring to our movement?
A: _______

Q10: Donuts?

A: Yes.

Q11: Donuts or pie? Why?

A: Yes. Slug-dog.

Q12: Can you operate a stick-shift, or Microsoft Excel?

A: I'm a rare breed of slug-dog. I actually have the mental capacity to compute calculations, animate animations, and program programs. I shift sticks around all the time at the beach.

Q13: Several thousand rabid monkeys have overrun Bangkok recently, causing mass hysteria and forcing all commerce to stop. What lessons can the Zombie Liberation Movement learn from this "calamity"?

A: I before E, except after C.

Q14: The part in Final Fantasy 8 where Squall has to take the SeeD exam before graduation... what is it's greater metaphorical significance?

A: It's a metaphor for the designer's intent to provide a cheap masturbation alternative to pre-teen students via excessive controller shaking through summon characters.

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About Zombie Orwellone of us since 3:07 PM on 03.30.2012

My fellow internet zombie brethren:

It is my specious pleasure to be addressing you in the fullness of time. My name is Zombie Orwell. You will be hearing a lot from me in the coming months as we ratchet up the intensity of our Zombie Rights Revolution.

I wish all of you safe human-hunting. Please message me ([email protected]) if you have questions or free tacos.

I love you!