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A fantasy Crysis 2 Dev interview

[This is a work of fiction, designed to get some of the gripes I have about crysis 2 off my chest and to provide whoever reads it with a laugh, and hopefully a bit of an insight into the direction crytek went with their latest title]

Okay so to say I was pumped to get my copy of crysis 2 was a bit of an understatement. I had it delivered to work to ensure I'd get it on release day, I didn't play the leaked copy or watch most of the trailers as I didn't want to spoil things. So when I say that it was a disappointment to me, I mean that in the “son, you had a great upbringing, wtf happened with crysis 2?” kind of parental, great chasm of bottomless sadness, disappointment.

This is how I imagine a chat between me and a crysis 2 developer would go *spoilers inbound*

C2 Dev: So, have you played our latest masterpiece?
Me: Yeah, I got my copy yesterday, played through until the third to last chapter
C2 Dev: Pretty good huh? You get to BE the weapon!
Me: Sooo, about that, why did you kill prophet off exactly? I wouldn't have minded playing as him, the flashbacks would have tied in quite nicely then as opposed to some weird third person flashback that looks like its a pirate copy quality.
C2 Dev: Ha ha, there's some rad filters and stuff with those videos, huh? Totally not reminiscent of prototype or anything like that.
Me: You're right there, the ones in prototype were structured more and were from understandable different perspectives.
C2 Dev: Yeah yeah, whatever, just start playing already. You can BE the weapon!
Me: Uh huh. Except I have no ammo, and my suit functions are offline... and you're taking control away from me and .... waiiittt is this a tutorial level? Seriously?
C2 Dev: Neat, huh? Get used to the suit voice by the way, you'll be hearing a lot from him.
Me: That's fine, I'll just turn it off in the opti- where's the suit voice option? * after a very brief look at all the options * Actually, where the hell have all the options gone?

This is about 4 times smaller than the redonkulous amount of options crysis had.

C2 Dev: Well we figured since it was in 3D you wouldn't want to change any options, and anyway, you can put the graphics settings up to extreme!
Me: Thats nice and all but I don't hav-
Me: Ugh, well at least extreme should mean punching through walls feels meatier this time.
C2 Dev: why would you want to punch through walls? You can BE the weapon!
Me: ...doesn't that kinda mean punching down through a ceiling as some angel of death in my mighty nanosuit?
C2 Dev: Ha ha, next you'll be asking for a save function.
Me: Huh? What do you... wheres my save button?

Save button goes here somewhere?

C2 Dev: C'mon bro, you've got checkpoints instead! BE the weapon!
Me: Well the first game managed okay with checkpoints and a save function.. and graphics options and a turn-off-that-fucking-suit-voice button
C2 Dev: Wait... aren't you happy with it? You can BE the weapon! We even brought in a cover based shooting system which works some of the time! Why not upgrade your suit so you can see where bullets are coming from? Or even.. hit N, go on!
Me: Gosh, thermal vision.. this would be great when I'm in a jungle at night time
C2 Dev: Ha ha, its not thermal vision, its NANO vision! C'mon soldier, get out there and save the world. One soldier against an alien armada with the only suit which can save us all!
Me: So what happened to the idea of you being a trained specialist who just happened to have a level footing against this unknown threat, haphazardly making his way through, against a multitude of threats.
From Koreans packing homebrew nano suits to giant flying aliens and even the incompetence of your own military and its heavy-handed tactics? All of this set in a variety of lush and interesting locations from suffocatingly thick jungle to underground mines and frozen barren wasteland?
Well presented by a game that allowed you to customise it to a very fine degree and to accommodate different styles of gameplay, on-the-fly, while managing to make sure you never feel too over powered and to keep an interesting (yet a little lacking) story going, until the unknown hits and you really live up to the call sign 'nomad'.
Ultimately culminating in an unusual arcade-style stand off against a threat no-one understands apart from a slightly batshit insane squad leader who may possibly have been anally probed but you decide to kill him off in the first level of your 'sequel'?

From floating fish things that fire ice shards at you to an off-the-shelf generic space alien

C2 Dev: ....
Me: Also, why the fuck have nanosuits suddenly become some sort of super-governmental secret? Everyone seemed to have one in the original game and the soldiers were lapping that shit up when they saw you, with many a manly ooh-rah.
Now its gone to “whatcha got yourself there now, tinman? Hyuck hyuck”
C2 Dev: well.. we've redesigned the enemies. BE the weapon!
Me: Yeah, you went from floaty jelly fish things to generic aliens that could fit into any sci-fi universe from the last 15 years or more. Way to advance the genre.
Put generic aliens in a clichéd city with the whole 'only you can save the world' bullshit, what's with the suit anyway, the amount of times its rebooting makes me think its running some shitty 3 man designed OS which was programmed in Japanese by a Russian who only speaks French with support from a person who's never seen a computer before.
C2 Dev: The mulitplayer is great now?
Me: Fuck off

Though this seems like quite the tirade I did find myself enjoying the game and most of it was what I was hoping for: more crysis, more nanosuit and more over the top visuals. I enjoy the multiplayer and think its a good game, but it has as many flaws as a paper nanosuit.
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About Zenithone of us since 8:12 PM on 11.02.2007

Born in the 80's in a place called Britain.
Games never featured heavily in my life until the time we got our first pc.
Around age 8 I was introduced to the likes of Quake 2, Mdk and POD.
Since then I haven't really looked back and while I'm primarily a pc gamer, Christmas 09, I decided to treat myself to a Playstation 3 and I'm enjoying the hell out of it so far. I primarily play Shooters and any game that has some depth and can capture and fuel my imagination.
I currently work in an optical lab in Norwich.

Favourite games:
Deus Ex
Just cause 2
Fallout 2
Cod 4
Armoured core
PSO (gc version)
Uncharted series
Max Payne 2

Favourite books:
The woman in white (V. old book, still awesome)
Brave new world (weird book)
World war Z (utterly, unbelievably, awesome)
Movies in fifteen minutes

Favourite everything else:
Genuinely nice teammates on games
My Charmingly, lovely girlfriend
Cycling in nice weather (or in general)