About two months ago I got a message from Andy asking me what shirt size I wear, that Niero wanted to send me a little something for all the "badass blogging" I've done.
Cool! A free Dtoid shirt or something, that would be sweet. What a lovely gesture!
Weeks pass and the shirt never arrives. Oh well, it's the thought that counts right? Time slips by and the idea fades from my mind.
Then the other day a parcel is waiting on my doorstep. My first thought is "I didn't order anything" but then I see the recipient address and it reads "Wrenchfarm" instead of my Christian name. Holy shit.
It's big. It's heavy. It is decidedly not a t-shit. This is awesome.
So I plunk this heavy, dirty, rain soaked box down on my coffee table with it's ever so manly doily. I find a box cutter and a camera. This is a moment that needs to be saved for the ages.
Holy shit, this thing cost $40 to ship? I haven't opened the box and this is already well and truly ridiculous.
I'm grinning like a madman at this point. Did they even need to put anything else in here? Is the rest of it packing peanuts and bubble wrap? Cause I'd be cool with that, my day is already made.
Nope, there's more. Lets see what's in the box. (Note: It took all my strength to avoid a cheesy Brad Pit in Seven
Stickers from Gaymercom! I love the DS playing bear! I start to feel vaguely self-conscious about the doily though...
Japanese toothpaste, shaving razors? Is this some kind of code? I don't know how to read any Japanese and I'm a little scared to just try some random toothpaste in the middle of the living room. My puppy eyes them with suspicion and I push them to the side for future study.
Razorblades and tea, sounds like the title of a Joy Division album that never was. Personal hygiene and first-aid items will become a strange running theme as I dig deeper into the box.
My camera couldn't focus to get a clear pic of this Monster Hunter
figurine box, its contents clearly too awe inspiring, too terrible and wonderful for the camera to cleanly frame in. It's the same reason you can't get a clear picture of Sasquatch or a sea-serpent, monsters are too cool to catch on film.
Out of the box my new monster is delightfully ugly and cute. A horrible little lizard thing with spiked scales and an engorged throat ready to spew acid, or fire, or maybe just concealing an exaggerated tongue. He's like the missing link between Dragon and Dinosaur. I name him Doug and mentally find a place for him on my self (I'm thinking between Dr. Doom and the Cobra HISS tank.)
Also, I didn't stage this or anything, but the instruction booklet for Monster Hunter Tri
was right next to me on the end table so I threw it in the shot. It's a 40+ page manual that explains how to use a invention known as a "Switch-Axe," a type of transformable axe/staff you use to behead Gryphons and Harpies. The booklet alone is almost worth the cost of the game.
Well. This just got weird.
I now own an inflatable naked man. That's neat.
Underneath my naked plastic friend lies more hidden treasures. This is super exciting. I wonder if it isn't too late to become an archeologist, they get to dig up weird and awesome stuff on a regular basis and I'm pretty sure this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
The arcane design on the cards catches my eye and if you think there is even a question of which item I'm grabbing next you clearly don't know what kind of man I am (the type that always secretly wanted to be a wizard.)
Oh. My. Goodness. Gaming Tarot Cards. The future told in pixels and high scores, just like I always thought it should.
The deck is amazing. The Burger Time
Chef stands atop an altar of fast-food, Hierophant of our generation. Death stands unnoticed amidst the heroes of Gauntlet
, waiting patiently for the Warrior to grow a little too hungry. Mayor Mike Haggar pile driving a street punk becomes the representation of Strength. This is the best thing I've ever seen.
A Shoot Mania
shirt! I can't imagine how Dtoid could have extra promotional gear from such a hot game :p Oh Shoot Mania, you never really had a shot (doh ho ho.)
A quick check with Google confirms this Fish Out of Water!
shirt is indeed from an iOS game and not just a kitschy tourist stop.
This will be a great timebomb joke. Patiently waiting in the back of my closet until I'm older, much older. My hair has thinned, the gut widened, my children grown into their rebellious teenage years. One day they will displease me and that will mark the day of this shirts return. I will don this totem of tackiness, take them down to the lake, duct tape the fishing rods into their hands if I must and MAKE them pose with me for photographs. Photos that will appear that year on Christmas cards sent to every known relative, friend, and acquaintance.
I unroll the soft scroll in front of me, it opens to a dimension I can scarcely comprehend. How can so much awesomeness exist in one image?
I've had my Max Payne
mouse pad for over a decade now. It's caked with dead skin cells and scared by coffee rings. Today, it has finally been replaced by the only thing cooler than a rogue cop with nothing left to lose – WIZARDS.
A used VIP pass for, I assume, a Battlefield 4 demonstration is pulled out of the box along with a postcard featuring the Jedi from The Phantom Menace
The combination strikes a chord in me, some kind of cosmic understanding led me to pull these two items out at the same time. Perhaps this is the universe's way of saying the supposedly scrapped Battlefront 3
game isn't quite dead following the closure of LucasArts. Maybe we'll still swing lightsabers at Rebel scum and scurry around after the initial spawn trying to call dibs on a Tauntaun yet.
Or maybe the universe is just trying to tell me that BF4
will be the Phantom Menace
of the series. Whatever, Bad Company
was always better.
Wizard stickers! Whatever you paste them to becomes that much more wizardy. Sweet.
A postcard for Guild Wars 2
? No, an invitation – there is a serial code on the back. This is a free game?
I'm speechless. This is getting insane. In the spirit of many other items in this box, I pledge to create a wizard as my character.
I instantly recognize the Mega 64
crew and their DVDs. Long have I followed their antics on the YouTube, now I can have the pleasure of watching them hassle simple folk and confuse small children from the comfort of my living room.
Truly we live in an age of miracles.
I don't know what this little keychain fob is from, help! It looks like some kind of upside down umbrella with legs or something, I don't know!
At the bottom of the chest is a book that contains secret power. A tomb that will tell you how to win a battle, quell an angry war-god, woo a princess. It's thick and flipping through the pages I know it's exactly the type of book I've lost many hours of my life to.
Too bad I don't actually own a Playstation... But if you ever need any Battle Royale
tips you know the guy to call now!
And here is the horde all collected in one place. You can see a few things I didn't take individual pictures of. Green tea packets, band-aids, anti-insect-sting swabs (?), pins. Extras on top of an insanely generous package.
I'm at a loss for words. Thank you Niero, and thanks Dtoid. It means a lot to me to know you all like and appreciate my blogs and work on the recaps. The gifts are rad and I appreciate them all, but its the spirit of the the thing that I'll remember, the fact that you didn't have to do squat for me but did it anyway to show you care. Gives me the feels.
One last smile maker? I didn't notice this on the bottom of the box till it was empty.
Yay happy robots!
LOOK WHO CAME: