Alright listen up. I’m ViceProphet, also known as CthulhuGotHisGun on PSN. I’m a bit of a Fortnite expert since I downloaded it three days ago. Over my long tenure as a professional expert, I’ve picked up a few things that have led me to earning a #4 slot not just once, but twice. Yeah, I don’t fuck around. Here’s a few tips to help you become moderately good at Fortnite.
Step One: Shut the Fuck Up.
Seriously, shut the fuck up and listen for once in your miserable life. I’m not going to tell you where to land, or where to drop from, all I can tell you is to get into a building, find a gun and a corner and stay fucking still. I know you want to tell your discord server all about your new app idea, but that’s a good way to get fucked, son. Don’t fire on anyone you hear until they are literally inside you. Of course, a shotgun is preferable, but there’s nothing wrong with a submachine gun. If you do manage to find a shotgun, pray that it is pump action. The tactical variant is basically the game telling you, “You’re going to die against the first person you see”. According to dotesports.com, the common (grey) pump action shotgun does more damage than the epic (gold) tactical shotgun by 16 points of damage. Anyway, once you have a serviceable weapon and a safehouse, just sit there and pray the storm doesn’t force you to move. Which brings me to my second step.
Step Two: Let them Pass.
Cowards are the scum of the Earth and deserve to be lined up against a wall and shot. Luckily for us, we’re too afraid to go outside. As you hunker down in any sort of domicile, be it a mansion in the middle of a lake, or some rundown shack in the hills, the savage players will find you and try to eat your butt. So, how do you stop them? By letting them pass. Often you will be sprinting away from the storm, that purple circle hot on your heels and you will notice other players sprinting beside you, having not noticed you pissing your pants. Or maybe you will be hiding in a bush, or under a shady tree like the Vietcong, and you will spot a player sprinting towards your fortress, then past. I know bloodlust will soon kick in and you will want to feast upon the entrails of the knave, but you shouldn’t. No matter how horny you are, they might be even hornier, and that only leads to you coked up in the Arby’s parking lot at 10:37 AM in Bay Minette, Alabama. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Step Three: Ignore the Bloodbath.
Now once you land, find a place to hide, and (See Step One), you’re going to hear a lot of freaky shit. I’m talking gunshots, explosions, car alarms, the baritone sound of fuck-fighting. All nice to hear, but not when you’re at risk of it happening to you. So, you’re going to want to (See Step One and Two) even more. Many players make the mistake of trying to join the fuck-fighting, but you should realize that only one person can possibly win, and it most likely won’t be you. There is a lot of chaos during the early seconds of the arena, and you don’t want to be caught up in it. Unless that’s your thing, I don’t judge people’s sexual habits. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma, and are hugely disturbed. There’s a reason I see a psychiatrist.
Step Four: Ride that Dick.
Footsteps in Fortnite are basically the loudest thing on earth. You can be six stories up and hear a single footstep halfway across the block. So, the only possible strategy is to ride that dick, meaning crouch down for you vanilla folk. You can basically do that the entire round and last a while, if not forever. At the last portion, however, you’re going to want to stand up and run like a Donald Trump (Look up “Fucking Moron” google images). Only the best players make it to the last areas of the game, so you know ya boi is there once out of every ten rounds. Generally at this point people decide to be annoying and build, which brings me to Optional Step Five.
Optional Step Five: Be a Cock.
People who build are literally the scum of the earth. It’s the most annoying shit in the world and anyone who does it is just desperately clinging on to a life that will end shortly after. Don’t be a fucker, accept death and try again next time. I guess there are advantages to building, like showing off how small your dick is, but the only reason I can see for building is building steps to reach loot crates. Not the bad kind, the good kind.
So, now that you have studied my tips and applied them to your game, you should be getting that sweet sweet chicken dinner, or whatever the equivalent is in this cartoony garbage. And I know that people will disagree with me, in fact most should. I’m already expecting a comment storm down below, but fuck you I don’t care. No, but honestly I love this game and I would definitely recommend it to all you degenerate fucks.
In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t insult my readers.
Thanks for reading, and R O L L A R O U N D.