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LONG BLOG

I'm sick of saving Hyrule

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After finally finishing A Link Between Worlds, I believe thereís only one phrase that can adequately summarize my feelings toward the seventeenth entry in the storied Zelda franchise:

Goddamnit.

Seriously, Hyrule? Link had to save you again? Do you backwards country bumpkins know how many times that kid has had to pull your milk farms and labyrinthine dungeons back from the brink of obliteration? I just told you. Seventeen. Seventeen goddamn times that a ten year old has had to slay an all-powerful demon king so yíall can go on running your mask shops and gambling parlors and whatever the hell else you use to generate your worldís nonsensical economy.

Look, I know all this Ganon business isnít technically your fault. I know this is all the result of an ancient curse forcing Linkís descendants to fight the same battle between good and evil across all of eternity. All Iím saying is that you selfish dicks could try lending a hand once every few centuries. Maybe instead of wasting your Legendary Heroís time with Pictograph trading quests and baby Maiamai rescue missions you could, I donít know, invest in a goddamn national defense infrastructure.

But seeing as how you people wonít stop depositing your entire gross national income into random bushels of grass, maybe itís asking too much for you to implement a contingency plan thatís not reliant on a sword-wielding child. Still, during this latest round of giant eyeball stabbing and puzzle solving, I did think of a few helpful suggestions that might prevent your society from being completely paralyzed the next time some jabroni with a stupid haircut starts zapping people into paintings. First off...†



Stop sealing away evil

I think this right here is your biggest issue, Hyrule. Start nipping your issues in the bud, and stop tossing every threat to your existence off into the Sacred Realm, or Evil Realm, or whatever other realm you have laying around that day.

I mean, I understand the appeal. I lock away the negative stuff in my life all the time. Rough day at work? Concerns about my appearance? The slowly dawning acceptance that Iíll never achieve my dreams and die alone and irrelevant? I bury that stuff deep. But everything bad finds its way out eventually. One day you're just going about your business when -- bam! --†some big-nosed pig demon is running off with your princess for the umpteenth time, and Iím inexplicably crying because the nearest Redbox is all out of copies of Frozen.



Stop having so many goddamn dungeons

Can any of you explain why your landscape is littered with dungeons? Specifically dungeons packed full of bloodthirsty monsters, deadly traps, and powerful artifacts protected by basic logic puzzles? How do you expect to maintain any semblance of peace when 75% of your civilizationís structures are devoted to the singular purpose of housing pissed-off behemoths guarding all manner of magical MacGuffins?†

How about instead of just waiting for your generationís fairy whipping boy to come along to clear those death factories out, you turn a few of those decrepit temples into hospitals or public libraries or, I donít know, high-rise condominiums. All Iím saying is, maybe you get a Whole Foods up in your joint, and the only problem you guys have to start worrying about is having enough rupees at the end of the week to buy your favorite Lon Lon organic dairy products.



Stop imbuing so much shit with ancient magic

I cannot for the life of me fathom why you people are so obsessed with cramming every little jewel, instrument, mask, or knick-knack you can get your grimy hands on with highly-specific magic. Youíre an agrarian society that hasnít even managed to progress beyond a ruling monarchy in thousands of years across three different timelines. I wouldnít trust you people to harness the power of a toaster, let alone a flute that controls space and time. Itís bad enough when you have all that mystical crap buried away at the bottom of some dungeon, but now any psychopath can just rent a rod that shoots fire from some enterprising interloper that sets up shop right in peopleís houses.

And you want to know why sealing your troubles away never works? Because every time you do, you make a bunch of pearls or medallions or precious gems with the power to unlock them. Why? Bury that shit under fifty feet of concrete and call it a day. Nobody is going to have to get back into the Sacred Realm because they forgot their keys in there.



Stop being so goddamn weird

Iím not usually one to judge. Iím all about letting people do whatever makes them happy. All Iím saying is that youíre inviting a certain level of moral decay when you allow a man to dedicate an entire shop to collecting bees. While also allowing him to dress up like a bee. And letting him commission young boys to collect the bees for him. Do you see what Iím getting at here? I donít think you do, which is the problem.

Quite frankly, youíre all a bunch of freaks. You let creepy babies build retail empires and have boats that can talk and your Great Fairies all look like Ď80s mob wives. You people canít even get baseball right! Itís baseball! The most wholesome sport known to man and youíve somehow turned it into an excuse to deck innocent crabs. How do you expect to maintain any sort of order when you canít even grasp fundamental team athletics?



Stop entrusting everything to an adolescent boy

Youíve all grown way too accustomed to dumping your every responsibility off on a single child, and then having the gall to try and play it up as some kind of prophecy. Passing the buck to a poor young chump isn't some grand design -- you're all just lazy assholes. The only thing adolescent boys are good for are working as grocery store clerks and writing sexually frustrated posts on Reddit, not being the deciding factor in humanity's continued survival while taking care of all your mundane fetch quests.

You know what a normal society thinks when they see some kid walking around in tights and a goofy hat? They think, ďOh, that boyís parents must not care about him very much.Ē Not, ďThis motherfucker is going to take some time out from saving the universe to find the cuccos I just lost.Ē

I know this is a lot to consider, Hyrule. You're obviously steeped in your ways, however misguided they may be. All I'm asking is that you take some time to at least think about what I've said, providing you can go five seconds without being wiped out by a falling moon or cataclysmic flood.†

But I assure you, by enacting just a few of these simple changes you'll be well on your way to functioning like a normal society, where the only threats you'll have to worry about will be war, poverty, natural disasters, racism, civil unrest, materialism, disease, and the inexhaustible number of horrors man is capable of inflicting upon one another.†

You know, the kind of problems that can't be solved by a ten-year-old boy. Or anyone, for that matter.
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About UsurpMyProseone of us since 9:30 AM on 03.17.2010

Aspiring writer and 2010 Penn State Triwizard Champion. Sometimes I make funny lists.
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