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MMO Stories: 1 year of Eve Online

Eve online can be a cruel mistress. A mistress made of thorns and nut punches that send you curling into a ball on the floor sobbing yourself to sleep. Christ knows why I decided to play this goddam game, but hell if it wasn't the most entertaining year of gaming I've ever known.

After a few months of bumping blindy into the proverbial Eve online learning walls, I finally learned that joining a corporation (more or less a guild with benefits) is the only way to progress. Luckily I was accepted into a cool little corp of people who were all from the same ass backwards country of Australia, allowing us to talk of the virtues of Vegemite and our crazy coloured money. After more or less dicking about for another month or two, I was finally ready to get my own badass ship. Oh no, I couldn't afford it, shit no. The prices in Eve for some mid level ships are staggering, but with a corp at my side a friendly player called "Bubby" donated one of his old hand me down ships, "War Pig". I clutched the ship with my quivering hands, screaming "I love you man" down my microphone. Possibly drunk. The details are not important.

I was king of the goddam universe. I was flying around systems in my awesome new ship just daring people to look at me. It was also around this point that we were in talks with another corp to merge into a new location in 0.0 space (ie. free of any NPC protection). The corp they were in talks with had run into massive problems with a local mafia racket. They had pretty much locked down all the good mining areas to the point of full control and it had been well documented that the few smaller corps that tried to take the mining grounds back had been systematicly and utterly destroyed. Just to be extra 'mafia' and 'dickish', they charged everyone stupidly high fees to be allowed to not get attacked on weekends. Talking to my corp the plan was to silently merge with this other new friendly corp we knew in 0.0 space, then use the combined resources of both our corps and 3 others in the area to declare war on these mafia knobs. The only way this could work though was that at the same time we were in talks with the another group of pirates to allow us move into 0.0 space by agreeing to give them a percentage of what we mined. It was kinda trading one evil for another, but the rates were much lower as a one time fee so everyone agreed that despite them being massive cock ends, after we paid them off they would leave us alone (unlike the continual fees everyone was paying to the mafia). The whole plan was based on the utterly fake relationship with this new dick corp, and we had to be super, super carefull not to piss them off. If they let us move our headquaters to 0.0 space (moving HQ in Eve Online being a story in itself because of it's such a stupidly large undertaking), we could combine our forces with all the other corps in the area and possibly wipe out the mafia.

...At this point of writing this article my cat farted. Just thought I should point that out.

Tensions were high at best and our corp board members were doing the best they could between real life responsibilities like kids and work to maintain the relationships in game and keep the deals going on all sides. Some of the possible allied corps didn't want to risk all their money to wage war, the mafia was still attacking corps in the area for going to close to the mining fields, and our half allied corp I'll name "floppy penises" were always on the lookout for the deal to go sour.

It was at this point I decided to go flying into an area floppy penises controlled with absolutly no understanding what the hell that meant.

I decided to go flying into the area and after not doing much important jumped to one of the local asteroid fields in hopes of mining. While flying about I noticed a tiny little shuttle valiently trying to mine an astroid. I decided to start mining, at which point the teeny tiny shuttle TARGETED ME. I said something along the lines of "LOLOLOLOLOL" over chat and targeted him back, jaming his warp drives and webbing his engines just to freak him out. I mean I'm in a big fuck ass ship, what could go wrong?

Oh, his friend in an even bigger fuck ass ship jumps in and targets me.

I jumped out of the system as quick as I goddam could while my warp drives were being scrambled and just as I was leaving the system had the following exchange:

[guys name I cant remember]: Stay the fuck out of our system
[me]: lol, err, no. Theres a bunch of fields here, are you going to monitor all of them? Eat shit.
[guys name I cant remember]: Seriously, I can fuck this deal up hard, dont come back.

I should point out most of this story I found out AFTER I went blundering in. So when this player said he can fuck this deal up hard, I had no idea what he was talking about. After getting out of the system I jumped into corp chat and told some people who were on what happend:

[bubby]: Dude, you said WHAT?
[me]: I told him to go gobble a dick or something
[bubby]: Ok, he's the leader of the corp we need to let us into 0.0 space. Kerigna has been in talks with him for WEEKS that we would not do anything to piss them off. You might have just blown this whole bloody thing. Do NOT let Kerigan know about this, with any luck they wont report it. Maybe he didn't see your corp tag. Dude fuck...
[me]....he knew about the deal
[bad boy bubby]: .... OH DUDE FUCK.

So at this point its safe to say I felt like shit. It possibly ruined months worth of planning and Kerigna, who accepted me into the corp and was our current CEO, would be super pissed if he found out. I tried to lay as low as I could for the next few days.

Then I fucked up again...

In my defence there was a skill I REALLY REALLY needed, and the only place that sold it within a BILLION FAJILLION MILES was owned by FUCKING FLACID PENIS CORP. I knew that I had barely escaped fucking everything up last time, but it was 2am and nobody was playing at this time. I figured it was safe and if I snuck in really really slowly I could check the local system and see who was in the area. If somebody was there I could jump out quick. And really, I'll only be there for like 1 minute, why would they mind? Maybe if I was mining sure, but this? What could go wrong. So with that irrational justification I snuck into the system.


I made my way to the closest station in the hopes of grabing the item I needed and then getting the shit out of there before FP noticed. As I got to the station, the local channel remained empty and with a gleefull smile on my face I docked with the station.

Only to see [guys name I cant remember] docked in the station too.

I then calmly proceded to flip the fuck out and smash the 'undock; button as fast as I could. Just as the screen closed I saw "THE FUCK DID I SAY" flash on screen. I screamed accidently in real life and raced towards the port out of the sector, only to see him suddenly appear in local and say "YOUR FUCKED" just as I was getting ready to leave. I was shitting my pants, I had fucked everything up, it was all on me that this deal was going to fail. I jumped back to out HQ and tried logging out by slapping all my keys at once.

After I just sat there staring at the now logged out Eve online and wondering what the hell I did. I was fucked. "THIS IS WHY I DON'T PLAY MMO'S" I thought to myself. "THIS IS WHY I DON'T VIDEO GAMES". Should I go back? What would happen once they found out? Should I just cancel my account? Oh god do they know my postal address? I felt terrible the next few days.


After gaining enough courage to log back in, I expected to see a list of emails kicking me out of the corp. I expected people to force me to leave the game for good. This didn't actually happen. When I had been in the station [guys name I cant remember] had not got a good look at my ship name and apparently confused me with someone from the mafia crew that were trying to spy on them at the time.

[guys name I cant remember] got super pissed that the mafia people were trying to spy on them and as the last straw said they had enough of those stupid bastards and promised to give us safe passage to our new 0.0 area. They even promised to give us extra support once we got there and help us get setup and protect us from possible mafia attacks. They lent us supplies for our war efforts and in the end actually made a very worthwhile ally. The assistance would actually be the turning point in the all out moustache worthy shit fest that was the eventual war between all these corps and the mafia group, allowing the corps to push the mafia back enough to gain control over the area.

And I swore to never tell ANYONE.
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About Turbofailone of us since 9:49 AM on 06.04.2009