Last time I wrote an article like this
it was full of well-deserved vitriol and hate toward some of gaming’s worst feathered fiends. Well to prove I’m not just a Negative Nancy, this article will celebrate one of humanity’s greatest achievements: the moustache.
The moustache is the pinnacle of evolution, science, and art. It is a majestic, almost-sentient creature that covers the upper lips of worthy men (and some women--hey, that’s cool too). So without further ado, join me in celebrating the greatest moustaches in gaming!
First of all, I know many of you are saying, “Mario! Mario has the best moustache!” Well, you’re wrong. Sure Mario’s furry lip-warmer is a classic, but Wario has him beat when it comes to sheer moustacheitude. Look at those harsh angles. Do you know how much effort it would take to create a moustache that wonderful? Lots.
When Snake showed up in Metal Gear Sold 4: Guns of the Patriots
he was sporting two apparent changes. One, he was old. Two, he had a moustache. Like his still muscled body, Snake’s moustache is sculpted with care and precision. Only a true, top tier commando could pull it off with such panache.
Class, grace, and elegance. These three words describe both Dudley and his fabulous moustache. Dudley could beat you to a pulp and still make you want to say, “Why thank you, my good sir!” as he’s doing it. I’ve never played Street Fighter III
, but I think I might have to just to marvel at Dudley’s facial hair.
A special shout out goes to Mike Haggar from
Final Fight. He’s a mustachioed mayor who fights crime. I think he and Dudley should star in a co-op beat ‘em up together.
He will never be Eggman to me. Sorry, I’m just not having it. What I will have is some of his ridiculous moustache. There’s at least enough hair there for two moustaches. I mean it perfectly completes his ensemble and just screams, “Evil scientist…with style!”
How do you think Blaine controls his Pokemon? His Volcano Badge? Please. It’s clearly his awe-inspiring moustache. When you start to go bald what do you do? It’s one of those old lemons to lemonade things. Grow a moustache. Blaine’s glorluxuriant (that’s glorious and luxuriant combined) moustache clearly makes him a leader among men, well…Pokemon.
I don’t know what a “Tekken” is. I’ve never played one. But I want to now! I don’t care that Jinpachi’s moustache also has a beard component because daaaaaaamn. That is a moustache among moustaches. I imagine it being really sharp, and I hope one of his special moves is stabbing somebody in the chest, stomach, and/or groin with it.
So there you have: my list of the most prodigious pushbrooms, stupendous soup strainers, and spectacular ‘staches. Not everyone made the cut, there were many honorable mentions, and I’m sure there are ones I missed. Let me know your favorites in the comments.
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