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Screw you, Lucas.

Yeah, I'm talking to you. You trilogy peddling bastard.

I grew up with the Star Wars franchise, and it is probably the only thing from my childhood which I have become so disenfranchised with. Do you see what I did there? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE ULTIMATELY LAZY WORDPLAY THAT JUST HAPPENED ON YOUR DIGIVIEWER?

Star Wars was about a a Wookie who got to see adventures happening around him in space. And there was a young boy, and a Space Samurai, and lesser catalogued adventures featuring a black man and a Mexican who hijacked the Millenium Falcon from "all dem white folks" before using it to save the universe. It was the first film to promote mingling ethnic relations, and possibly the last. But then they had to go ahead and make three more, and prove to the world that you could make money doing back to back trilogies, setting a new standard for mediocrity, and enabling a bunch of fanboys to continue supporting abject shit while constantly trying to justify that it is, indeed, not complete and abject shit.

Star Wars is a horrible tragedy in six parts. The first three mark a glorious quest which came to a successful conclusion; a phenomena that changed our culture. The next three are the inevitable fall from grace into coke snorting, fart smelling, existential agony. Every great empire must fall.

So why am I mentioning this proverbial turd of a franchise? I'm not interested in a debate about Star Wars; there is nothing to debate. I am wrong, and you are right; or, some sort of rearrangement of those. It's all subjective anyways, and no amount of convincing, waterboarding, or anal plugging will convince me otherwise. Star Wars was a thing I loved, it's now a thing I am dissapointed in, like a son who turns to drugs. And overall, apart from the killer hard Super NES games, Star Wars is hardly relevant to the gaming world.

That image should be enough to convince you of AT LEAST that much.

The point is, Star Wars set a dangerous standard for all future media; the trilogy. It proclaimed that good things come in threes, and everyone followed suit with that thereafter. Unfortunately, it was nut suckingly wrong; most things are only worth one look, some are worth two, and very very few complete that third lap, like a fat kid in track and field and then the he breaks down crying because he tried really hard and the teacher has to counsel him on the field before calling his parents when I was thirteen.

Anyways, most things aren't worth a third run, they usually run out of steam. But to add insult to injury, Star Wars also said it was "ok" to drag things out to six. Yes, six iterations of sameiness until we are red in the face like we couldn't find our huffers. Recently, some asshole from Bioware, the masters of sucking shit dry and punching it in the face, said that "it ain't over for Mass Effect yet, bitches!" Now to be fair, he didn't say it like that, and Bioware has a pretty high standard for game design. Personally, I have never enjoyed a single one of their titles, probably because the deepest science fiction story I am willing to get into in a video game is Alien Soldier for the Sega Genesis, but they are a competent company who usually puts out a fairly polished product. But it made me cringe to hear "Oh yeah, that space trilogy where shit goes nuts at the end and everyone demands their money back? Don't worry, there's going to be more." I am someone who had to stifle a laugh the other day when I saw "HALO 4" sitting proudly on the preorder shelf at Best Buy as if it weren't some kind of played out, laughable affair, like the Baha Men putting out a sequel to Who Let the Dogs Out? Or another beer commercial where a bunch of annoying cunts yell "WHAZZUP" at each other getting reruns on channel seven.

Back in the day, sequels were fairly rare for the most part. A lot of the huge franchises got them, sure, and really, the standard hasn't changed a LOT since then. But I seem to recall seeing a lot more sequels to a lot more franchises during the last generation, with said successors never just coming in pairs. There are like nine Halo's, four Uncharted's, a hundred and sixty Ratchet and Clanks, at least four Killzone's that I am aware of, ten million Resident Evils, Silent Hills, and so many Final Fantasy's that the once funny joke of making fun of that franchises name, which became unfunny a few games later, is actually fucking hilarious again. Oh and, don't feel bad if you put out a few sequels to sequels you have alread put out; let's make this ever twisting tree of branching sequels even more convoluted so that nobody two hundred years from now when Final Fantasy Eighty One Billion Fourteen, the Third Chapter will ever be able to figure out just where in the fuck that mess of a thing began.

I might be wrong to blame Star Wars specifically for this clusterfuck; but I am pretty sure that DID set some kind of a standard. Then again, maybe I'm wrong and should be blaming the Friday the 13th franchise. Either way, they are still making those goddamn things, too. Still, it's just so tempting to blame the creator of Star Wars for just about anything I can possibly think of; my depressive manic behavior, my weight gain, Terrorism - among others - are just a few things I have unfairly attributed to him in the past. It just depresses me to know that nothing is sacred, and that regardless of creativity or ingenuity, most things that are successful will eventually be swallowed up by the great regurgitation machine, like a great red cat spewing out furballs onto a conveyer belt, a scene unlike any I have seen in my favorite cartoon of all time.

I blame George Lucas because he can take the heat. I blame him because he is used to it. I blame it because somehow, in someway, he managed to ruin my childhood.

It's YOUR fault I'll have to put up with a bunch of nerds on the internet whining about how some dumbass space RPG has a substandard ending all over again. If I could, I'd hold you in my arms in a pool of blood in a warehouse hesitating to shoot you in the head because a part of me loves you, but knowing I am forced to because you betrayed me and it is only right that you should pay.

Screw you, Lucas.
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About TheManchildone of us since 2:03 PM on 08.10.2011


I am an aging man with starving children. I write blogs about video games. My favorite system is the Game Boy. I have three of them in my house; one in the shitter, one by my computer, and one in my pocket.

My aspiration in life is to not die. Runner up is writing and creating random bullshit related to my only hobby, which is games. I guess I read books too. But nobody cares about OLD MAN hobbies like that, so get outta town, GRANDPA!

My favorite game is Ecco the Dolphin. I like to speedrun it because it makes me feel like a big man, except when the credits run, which is where I usually reflect sadly upon the rest of my life. I love dick jokes and farts. Dickfarts.

I want to write for Destructoid some day, but the staff here are too smart to hire me. I need to find a clever way to trick a legitimate enthusiast site to pay me a small amount of money to do something for them or I can never happy.

But even then, I probably still won't be happy.

Such is life.

PSN ID:Phosisthedolphin
Steam ID:joeldavidpeterson


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