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LONG BLOG

XBLIG review: NOYD

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Name: Noyd

Cost: £0.69 / $1

Review bit: Trolololtrolololtrololol trololol trololol Lol Lol Lol la la  trolololtrolololtrolololtrololol Lol La la la la trololol trolololtrolo loltrolololtrolololtrolololt rolololtrolololtrolololtrolololtrolololtrololol.

So Noid an old pop culture symbol created to advertise Dominos Pizza and mostly only used in the USA. Known for its antics in taking and destroying people pizza. Wait, that doesn’t sound right why am I reviewing a pop culture icon............. hold on........... Oh it’s an indie game on XBLIG and not in any way related to that character. Ok I remember it no........... oh the horror the memories are coming back!


Oh you want a review, you know what I wanted ? An enjoyable game. This review was requested and honestly I’m not sure what I did to the developer in the past but it must have been pretty bad to warrant this. The reason this review is out now and not sooner is the game appeared on the Roosterteeth series RageQuit. So I felt I’d leave it a little bit as no input I could give would ever really have a point compared to its appearance on said series.

You see that opening to the review ? That’s what I’ve just pretty much sat through for over 4 hours making sure I can cover this game. You see Noyd is not a game in the normal sense, Noyd is a giant paid for bit of trolling. You pay to be trolled by it. The premise is simple, by playing some classic games you have to beat the AI called NOYD. However you know when in most other games someone will claim the AI cheated ? Well in this one there’s no speculation about it, the AI cheats rotten to win.

The game itself is actually a collection of classic games each with a twist of some kind to them. So Pacman, Battleship etc etc. I’ll go through those games I remember and the alcohol required to keep playing hasn’t washed away in a little bit but honestly as I keep saying this is you paying to be trolled.

So let’s break it down to the games I remember. You can unlock all the games using a menu option as normally you’re meant to beat Noyd on a game from each set then move on.

Pong:  This seems normal ish until Noyd, your opponent, causes the walls to bounce the balls in not predictable ways. This would be fine until after scoring a further point your paddle starts to rotate. What this means is sometimes you’ll be trying to hit the ball with the thin end of the paddle. If you score a point with the paddle rotating then the whole level rotates with your paddle also rotating. As the level rotates you controls constantly change to the new position of the paddle. Score a point then and the level will rotate a varying speeds and will change direction randomly.

So to win Pong the first game you have to deal with a spinning level, varying size paddle areas, your controls changing constantly and the bounces not being predictable. I did make it through this game and it was the only one I did.

Battleships: Quite simply Noyd knows where you place your ships most games. I had one where I almost won until he perfectly hit my remaining ships. I had another where Noyd missed once, every shot besides one hit a battleship.

Racing: A simple circular-ish series of tracks you Race Noyd round. The catch here first if you run into Noyd you spin out, if Noyd runs into you, you spin out. Next Noyd will then be able to boost his own speed far past your own. Finally in the last round Noyd will deliberately try to ram you (as Noyd is unaffected by the crash and can just keep going) and get an insane speed boost to nearly three times your speed.

Snake: Starts off fairly simple until it adds “caffine apples” which cause snake to move twice as fast. Then comes big apples which add two sections to the snake. Next there are walls added. The level is then expanded to require more apples be collected. The final insult though is adding “strange apples” which spin on the spot and will reverse your controls for a random period of time. That’s right for a random period of time between about 1 and 5 seconds your controls will be reversed and due to the random time period you will often end up dead simply due to it wearing off the moment you pressed to move.

Hangman : Seems simple enough until Noyd starts changing the rules slightly or more correctly changing the normal conventions such as using acronyms such as BTW and AXA. Then it will switch to text talk and annoyingly add a new section to the options bar without telling you. The only way to access it is to press down on the bottom row to bring up a numerical keypad option. The numerical keypad allows you to guess such words as 4ever. The final level Noyd gives you a sentence. One written in what I can only describe as gangsta street slang to solve.


Breakout:  seems fine until you start to get near complete and then Noyd will really start. Noyd can and will, add new blocks randomly, remove your power ups, speed up the ball and make your paddle shrink. All randomly and the closer to finished you get the more often these will happen up to one a second occurring. If you lose a life half the bricks that have been destroyed will be replaced by “Noyd bricks”, which act just like any other brick except they can’t contain power ups. Lose a second life   with Noyd bricks in play and they become real bricks and another half of the missing blocks become Noyd bricks.




Pacman: Noyd simple increases the speed of the ghosts.

Noughts and crosses / Tic Tac Toe : Noyd is programmed to play what is best described as the perfect game. The perfect game is a scenario where due to going first it’s possible to force the game to be either a win or draw for you and not a loss by playing a specific series of moves. You initially have 5 seconds for your turn, keep forcing it to a draw and Noyd will keep reducing the time until you have 1 second to make a move and the cursor will be as far as possible from where you need it each move.

Space Invaders: Each win results in Noyd starting the next round with his units lower until the final round where they start right at the lower levels  to smash the shields down during their first moves.

Tower defence: You have to awkwardly move to collect resources to pay for turrets while Noyd spams unit after unit down. And even makes the turrets spin later on so they often fire in the wrong direction before changing to hit the target.

Asteroids : Noid continually adds more and more rocks each round until you lose. One death sends you back to the start.

Simon Says : Firstly the sounds change, then Noyd will say the wrong colours, Then only says the right colours doesn’t show them, then goes to a 10+ round sequence.

Shoot the target : Noyd starts after round 1 by having the letters randomly accelerate, then they do it faster (only after you fire so you have to fire way ahead) Then it becomes words then whole sentences and the timer goes down to  less than 8 seconds with double the amount of letters all moving at random speeds and able to go under the UI to hide.

The Final game is minesweeper which I refuse to even play a I dislike the game enough on it’s own let alone knowing it will be rigged.

What I will say is the game is competently made with decent enough sound assets, a variety of games and no unintentional bugs. During Hangman alone there is a range of more than 6 possible words / phrases at each stage.

Verdict : So here’s the time I write a comment that can easily be taken out of context and use to advertise the game “Noyd is a game for those who find Dark Souls 2 a yawn and I want to be the Guy Gaiden to be just a little too easy.”

So Noyd left me a-noyed and as such I’m going to suggest a-void it unless you want to do a rage video on youtube, though that has already been done once.

Noyd is a good concept in theory however in practice it quickly sucks the fun out of it and drains any desire to keep playing other than to finally be able to say you beat the Noyd.
It’s competently made and I can honestly say I wish the developer had put his talents towards an actual game rather than a giant piece of ragequit bait / trolling.

Score 2 out of 6
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About Dwavenhobbleone of us since 8:33 AM on 06.19.2012

A qualified Environmental Chemist who happens to live in a fairly dense city with no real environment or chemistry industry.

I review indie games on another blog and you'll see them pop up here if I think the review is a good or interesting one (along with a shameless bit of self promotion)

I also operate another blog reviewing films and I mean t pick that back up when I can.

I've been gaming since the SNES days. I've been in the pro scene before for tribes 2 but hate the present pro scenes and have no interest in going back into it.

I tend to get into quite a few Betas and love ones without NDA as it means I can write about them. I have even beta tested an xbox 360 game in my time (and no not a normal public Beta one )

In gaming I'm normally the guy looking at the shelf below the AAA titles first to see if there are any great hidden gems.

My gaming drug of choice: Timesplitters in any flavour (Why won't you make Timesplitters 4 Crytek, why ????? I need my fix of insanity )
Xbox LIVE:hobblejp
Steam ID:dwavenhobble


 

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