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The Greatest Doom Commercial Never Made

We open in Hell, before a vast Hell Gate. A LEGION of demons; imps, pinkies, knights, etc. are assembled before the Gate. A pair of hands rises up in front of the POV, and we see that we are watching this through the eyes of a demon, l...

 
 
 

My Thirst is Not Slated

So, Doom came out of left field for all of us, huh? Even fans who were blown away by 2015's E3 gameplay trailer weren't really expecting it to be this good. Admit it; you liked the trailer, but it was both clearly scripted and inexplic...

 
 
 

Blandhammer: Yawn of War

EDIT: Because the Dawn of War III announcement states the game has "Three Devastating Forces" (Eldar, Space Marines [BLAHD REHVENS, because of course], Orks) I am cancelling all hope. Relic can fuck right off and Sega can join them. FA...

 
 
 
 

Thief: Dark Metal Shadows

After being grossed out by Duke Nukem 3D (and posting an admittedly harsh blog about it, ignoring the statute of limitations on expressing shock over controversy that isn't a thing but totally is a thing) I decided I needed a palette clea...

 
 
 

Duke Nukem 3D Can Fuck Right Off

During the last Holiday Steam Sale, I was given Duke Nukem 3D: Megaton Edition by a friend, and decided to play it again for the first time in twenty years. DN3D is one of the games that trail-blazed the modern FPS, introducing the a...

 
 
 

Dead Space 4

So a few people (precisely two) expressed some interest in seeing this, a concept I wrote in a moment of weakness of a proposed Dead Space sequel. I really miss the series, I doubt I'll ever see another proper sequel again, so I wrote this ...

 
 
 

The Pre-Sequel... Isn't That Bad

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel is the odd, Aussie duck of the series (which I think makes it a platypus). 2K spent two years improving Borderlands 2 through steady, well-designed DLC, but while 2K Australia got to play with the toys for their ...

 
 
 

World of Whatevercraft

Shortly after my failed attempt to enjoy a free weekend of Bethesda's MMO The Elder Scrolls Online, I noticed that Blizzard had discreetly offered me a 10 Day pass to their long-running MMO World of Warcraft. So I shrugged an...

 
 
 

My Elder Scrolls Online Free Weekend Diary

Day One, Thursday December 10 Installation begins. 30+GB, but hey, I have a decent internet connection. Shouldn't take me more than a few hours at the very most. Day Two, Friday December 11 Download struggled at a confusing 5...

 
 
 

It's Krampusnacht

So it's Krampusnacht. Because that's a thing we're all realizing/remembering this year or some reason. But I've known about the Krampus for years. Anyone who's watched the Venture Brothers can tell you all you need to know. He punishes wick...

 
 
 

Cho'gall: Power Ogre-Whelming

I have to admit, Heroes of the Storm's Cho'gall is a lot of fun. And I don't easily admit that. When Cho'gall was announced I was excited but mostly annoyed, because Cho'gall falls into the ranks of "quirky" Storm Heroes, like Abathur or t...

 
 
 

Passive Aggressive Legend-Building

So another Bethesda open-world RPG has come out way and even though the Honeymoon bed is still fresh and relatively unstained, I wanted to discuss the future of their flagship settings, The Elder Scrolls and Fallout. Both games follow a ver...

 
 
 

SOMA Fucked Up My World-View.

Frictional Games' SOMA was just released this week. I was intending to do a review of it, but after the deluge of professional critics and their day-early copies beat me to the punch, I won't. Instead I will talk about something that has be...

 
 
 

Games Workshop Can Fuck Right Off

Years back, I got into Warhammer and Warhammer 40,000 in a pretty big way. Games Workshop's seminal wargames had fun little models and entertaining if not very coherent world building. On the Fantasy side I played the Ogre Kingdoms all the...

 
 
 

Renew Review: Alan Wake

Stephen King once said "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." Stunningly, this dryly-worded quote spectaculalry fails to make an appearance in Alan Wake, though just about everything else King wrote in novels and short stories does. But ...

 
 
 

Gaming. Weekends. Co-op(?)

Paradise for the Gamer. This weekend some merry madmen and I got together for 48 hours of gaming in a basement loaded with gaming treasures. We played a ton of nostalgic multiplayer games from our youth: Quake, Quake III, Unreal Tournament,...

 
 
 

Junk Rentals: Armored Core

Back in the early days of the Playstation One, when the Internet was still finding its footing and magazines were still prevalent sources of gaming info, certain publications would release demo CD's for the Playstation. I can't recall which...

 
 
 

Classic Review: Super Metroid

In honor of the 28th Anniversary of Metroid's North American release, I felt like sitting down and reviewing what I consider the seminal entry of the Metroid franchise, Super Metroid on the Super Nintendo. Ow! My soul patch! Super Metroid i...

 
 
 

DLC: A Modest Proposal

These days, this entire expansion would be dismemberd and sold at $10 a limb. Today I was reading an inconsequential game reveiwer's opinion on King's Quest Chapter 1: A Knight to Remember. He commented that the game includes "Challenges th...

 
 
 

I Want a Cybertron Sequel

I still get friggin' chills, man. I haven't played Transformers: Rise of the Dark Spark. Matrix-willing, I never will. Just watching the Let's Players was cringe-worthy enough. I don't think I could play the game without breaking down in te...

 
 
 

Junk Rentals: SilverLoad

This is, I hope, the first in a series of game reviews where I look at obscure video games, the kind that were used to fill up a crappy Blockbuster's display rack, the kind that caught your eye as a kid with a fistful of hot cash or a paren...

 
 
 

World of Warcraft: We're Desperate and It Shows

Other titles considered were World of Warcraft: Fantasy and World of Warcraft: Placeholder A week ago, I described my experience returning to World of Warcraft after a year's absense. It turns out that despite its addictive qualities--which...

 
 
 

BrĂ¼tal Dynasty

This is how you play a Bard. D&D, take note. So we all agree Brütal Legend was a great concept, a glorious tribute to Heavy Metal. It looked good, it sounded good, and we all loved it. Right? Well no, not really. Brütal Legend...

 
 
 

Quake V: Aftershock

You know, I actually enjoy the Quake series despite its anthology-like feeling. The first Quake was pretty simplistic, Doom with polygons. But it did have an eerie soundtrack of metal scratchings by Trent Reznor and the multiplayer quickly ...

 
 
 

Remake Twisted Metal

Because when you've got a face like his and magical demon powers, you can name yourself after a Greek water nymph if you motherfucking want to. Twisted Metal was just one of a variety of vehicular combat games that was released in the mid-9...

 
 
 

World of Warcraft hasn't changed...

This week Blizzard sent out seven days of free game time to entice players back into The Collective. While veterans joke about its addictive qualities, and its debatable whether WoW counts as a "real" addiction, Blizzard has become deviousl...

 
 
 

Hairbrained Schemes is bringing back BATTLETECH

Hairbrained Schemes, creators of Shadowrun Returns, Shadowrun: Dragonfall, and the upcoming Shadowrun: Hong Kong just announced their return to Kickstarter to fund BATTLETECH, based on the BattleTech setting. For those who don't know, Batt...

 
 
 
 

About TheInternone of us since 3:57 PM on 07.16.2015

Mike is a crazy, jobless hobo living in his parents' basement.
 
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