Why don't you return my calls about auditions dates and times? After so many years of working with you and my extensive resume which spans thousands of games, I'm kinda crushed that it seems you don't want me in leading roles anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative for all the work I got in portraying various races in ME3's multiplayer, but it feels like even there I wasn't allowed to do as much as I could have done. That and getting into the Volus suits recently gave me muscle cramps I didn't know I could have. While I can certainly be anyone I put my mind to, I wasn't really cut out for all this work as an extra.
I'm a lead character. I can be the leading man or the leading lady. I can be a hero or villain. I'm pansexual, making it easy for me to be compatible with anyone of any sexuality or gender in the cast provided I'm attracted to them. Straight, gay, bi - I do it all.
Sure, you've had newer protagonists that can do that - I know that's what you're going to tell me, but all the leading men and women of the last few games have been human. I can do better. I can be any race you want me to be, which is huge. I could be a female elf, a male human, a Krogan lady, a lawful good Dark Elf dude or an Asari matriarch! This gives me access to rich cultural backgrounds and histories players enjoy and you can shape a story around. I can be anything the player needs me to be, molded to their will.
I'm just not much for talking is all.
I know that's not cool to you these days, but is that really so bad? I just got out of Dishonored and people seemed to really like me there as Corvo. I also recently starred in Skyrim, Rage, Fallout New Vegas and Devil Survivor Overclocked. It just seems like Bethesda and Atlus sign me up for the leading roles more than you do these days. I've already got the next Elder Scrolls, Shin Megami Tensei, Persona and Fallout game lined up. I have plenty of work but I miss working with you guys - we were so great together! It didn't have to end at Dragon Age: Origins.
Remember all those pranks I used to pull on Carth Onasi during KOTOR? He would always bring his bike to work so he could get to the cafeteria quickly. One day I hid the bike in Bastilla's dressing room - so when he went in there looking around he got smacked! Then another time I had it tied up to the top of the rafters and he had to get on a ladder to cut it down. He got so frustrated with me he locked his bike inside the back of his van, so I had the van towed!
Man, those were some great times.
And sorry to turn this somber, but I met FemShep before she died. She seemed like an OK gal when she wasn't punching reporters and I'm sure she was a great protagonist, but she sounded just like Dudebro Shepard when I actually listened to what she was saying. That kinda bothers me. FemShep just got Dudebro Shep's lines and parroted them. I wished she had gotten more of her own personality. Had it been me, she would have gotten it because the player could see her demeanor as whatever they pleased. She wouldn't be parroting anyone.
Now that you've killed both Shepards a few ways, maybe its time you let me have a shot at the leading roles again. I think given the chance people will like me more than Shepard because I can reflect more of their choices and make the experience more personal. We can only really tap the richness of the universes you create if you let go this notion the hero has to be a human that talks - I can be more than that.
And I'll save you the trouble or signing on two big-time voice actors for my numerous lead roles. That means more red, green and blue cupcakes for office parties, among other things. If you need me to do some talking, you can just get some staff to read some flavor lines and leave all the text bubble selections to me. It'll be just like old times, though!
Such menial tasks! Remember that line from Baldur's Gate? Its a classic. I loved playing that girl.
I've heard it was said for Dragon Age 3 that the protagonist would be voiced and options for other race were being considered but were seen as problematic due to the cost of modeling extra characters. That's a lame excuse - that never stopped you in BG and DA:O and I heard Gearbox try to use that line for Aliens Colonial Marine's initial lack of playable female characters. No one is buying it - you're just being lazy. Yes, we'll have to reshoot all these scenes as I play different races and sexes and say nothing, but I'd gladly spend all that time in the make-up chair and wearing prosthetics if that makes the gamers happy.
So guys, give me another chance. I'm looking foward to the opportunity of being an Elcor Mercenary with a secret past or Elven barmaid turned pilfering, stabbity rogue - in addition to being the hero of your next game. You don't need another Shepard or Hawke - just me.
The Silent Protagonist
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