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For those about to die: Lavos


Did you just pee your pants? You should. Go ahead, I can wait.

Now, did you wash your hands and wring out your underoos? Excellent, now lets get on with it. Epic fear should take root in your heart when you hear his name. Lavos. Just the sound of him is evil. And he’s present in every time epoch. And unless you beat him at the right time, in the right place, with the right people, many things could go wrong.

Unless, of course, you enjoy being a lizard. ‘Cause I’m totally cool with that. If you are digging on Lizard-hood, it’s not for me to judge. But, personally, I’d like to see Frog restored to his former self. Or, maybe just get through this thing without destroying our awesome time machine.

But again, I digress.

Why is Lavos so awesome?

Being a seemingly immortal alien from time beyond record and containing the DNA of every living being on the planet, he’s off to a good start. Lavos’ name can be traced back to the language of the really-hot-scantily-clad-cave-people lead by Ayla: “La” meaning “fire” and “Vos” meaning “big”. So, this Big Fire falls from the sky crashing into the Reptites’ Tyrano Liar sometime around 65,000,000 B.C. and biding his time until 1999 A.D. when he emerges to rain down destruction upon all of humanity. Show me one other villain in the history of gaming with patience like that. In the meanwhile, he had influence over all of evolution during that time—aside from how humans played out because of the Frozen Flame…but that’s a story for another day.

So, having established the scope of his eviltude, let’s look at the cold hard facts of fighting this monstrosity.

1) Multiple incarnations: He’s got four different ways of kicking your butt into next week (lulz…time travel joke)--The Mimic version where he morphs into every awe inspiring villain of the game, The Outer Shell, The Inner Shell and ultimately The Core. You might go into this thinking you’ll coast through, but if you don’t strategize and plan out your items and party correctly, you’re liable to get decimated. And there ain’t no use bringing our silent protagonist back to life after that’s all said and done.

2) Endless fight: If you don’t know the real power source that keeps Lavos going, you’re bound to get stuck on the final version of him for some time. I won’t reveal it here, for those discovering the series for the first time on the DS, it’s a potentially hair-pulling, blood-pressure-raising fight. Especially after you’ve worked so hard to defeat him to the point that he’s in the final form. One fell swoop from that dog with the Princess Leia inspired headpiece and you’re toast.

3) Sense of accomplishment: Lavos has screwed over everybody since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth along with scantily clad blonde-bombshell cave women. He’s ruined the chances of a future for the human race and turned one very emo little magical boy, into one of the baddest-assed villains of all time. When you take Lavos down you’re the ultimate hero of all time.

Chew on that Kefka.

But maybe a picture really is worth a thousand words. If so, I’m going to let sum it up for me.

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About The Phantom Gamerone of us since 5:39 PM on 04.08.2009

First game I ever beat:


And it was new at the time. And there were no walkthroughs. And the interwebs were but a dream on the distant horizon, somewhere at the back of Al Gore's brain.

And this:

Is the best game ever. If you disagree, you are wrong and probably a Communist.

Oh, and if you take me seriously, please STFU and GTFO. The internets is for lulz and pr0n.

Not. Serious. Business.

Currently owned (and operational) systems:

Gaming PC (very capable)