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LONG BLOG

Band of Bloggers: The Leading Ladies of Rainbow Six Siege

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Hi, I'm actually Charlton Heston, and I'm here to write a God damn thing or something again. What? I'm old and tired, and you're not going to read this, so fuck you anyway; I don't need to be cordial. I'm sorry, it's... just been a rough week.

I don't know if you've heard, but I died recently. Yeah. That happened. Don't worry, though. I'm okay, now: we just had a bit of a scare; the old ticker decided to stop for approximately 87 minutes, but I managed to pull through, despite the massive trauma to my brain and other such vital organs. Giblets? Is that what they're called? Mmm, now my brain can taste Thanksgiving, and the smell of a house fire.

Okay, wait, I was going somewhere with this. RIGHT. Band of Bloggers: Leading Ladies edition. A noble pursuit; after all ladies are amazing, worthy of respect and admiration, and a fine prompt for Band of Bloggers. Why, back in my day, I led more than a few leading ladies into a broom closet, if you catch my meaning.

Fine, if you don't catch my meaning, we were in the broom closet fetching cleaning supplies. When Heston eats, he makes a mess, but he's not so swollen with pride that he won't help clean up. Also, after, I'd take them back to the broom closet and nail them. It's how I met my wife. Long story, another time, maybe.

For now, let's just fuck this duck, shall me?

Shall we: despite recent allegations from a certain Canadian, Siege-obsessed pervert, I do not fuck ducks.

Anymore.

This one's for you, Soulbow, you filthy God damn reprobate

So, Siege. I guess this is a game some people play? I've never met one of them; I'll bet they're all terrible people and want to kill every autistic baby. But this game contains ladies, and some of them most certainly can lead in this... well, "game" is a generous word for this grease fire, so from here on out, we're just going to call it "trash."

Trash. Rainbow Six Siege is trash

Despite the fact that you would have to suffer more brain trauma in a week than I have in my entire life in order to actually enjoy this trash — and believe you me, I've suffered a lot of brain damage — some of the broads in this trash can lead. For example, there's what's-her-face, and the redhead.

I'm honestly too lazy to even look up who this is; this is not a video game, it is trash

So, I played this trash, right? Turns out it has something called "microtransactions"; after I passed out due to my most recent stroke, I allowed my nephew to take the wheel: he asked for my credit card number, and I, in a haze, gave it to him. He bought, like, 17 different hats or something. I have no idea what he bought, all I know is that I spent the rest of the day on the phone with the credit card company, vehemently protesting the charges to my account.

They never gave me a refund

In conclusion, I regret ever purchasing this game; and allowing my nephew to play it, and my recent fit of strokes. There are ladies in it, that is certainly true. And, yes, the reason I bought and tried to play the damned thing was because I was lonely. But was it worth it, even with all of my many Hollywood dollars? My friends, no. No, it was not. Stay far away from this Siege thing, even if you're lonely and hopelessly horny. Go beat up a Canadian instead.

- From my cold, dead hands.


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About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.