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Happy Birthday, Mike! I've nothing clever to say, so I'll be real with you: you are, by far, the only person on this website who I would double-team a dog with. Specifically, this dog, who I adopted for this special day. His name is Wrinkles. I love you.


Was sleeping on the edge of my bed when an Amber Alert went off on my phone. Rolled out of bed and face planted on my nightstand. My cheek is split open and I look like I just fought several hobos. Need weekend now. Current status:


#HappyNationalTacoDay! Take a moment to reflect on what is the start of a new year for many of us. And let us all, as one, remember the day that Wes stole all of the tacos because he hates Taco Day like the Grinch hates Christmas. He must be stopped.


I don't celebrate Halloween; I don't like a bunch of kids knocking on my door and waking me from my stupor. But I DO celebrate Sober October, in that I start drinking double what I usually would, every day, out of spite for the very idea of Sober October.


Sometimes I play video games. Hush now, I know it will be considered scandalous, but I must air this grievance: what the fuck was up with Custer's Revenge? I tried using my "joystick controller," but nothing happened besides 19 minutes of clean up.


I'm going to give a big Community shout out to @Soulbow, who recently broke the world record for "Most Compact Discs Shoved Up His Own Ass" with his record-breaking 91 copies of Rainbow Six Siege. Well done, man. You did us all proud.


Well, I feel a little funny doing this; after all, I'm legally dead. But this'll be my 100th post, and I guess I'm supposed to commemorate that? It's been a ride, Destructoid. Here's to a few more rides. Now kindly lay your head on my lap: it's go time.


Turns out, butt plugs are irretrievable if you don't tether them. Someone please call an ambulance so they can fish these 15 separate Optimus Prime Hot Wheels out of my cousin's ass.


If only I had the money to spare, the sexy diorama I've spent years assembling would finally be complete:


I'm not usually one to shill, but I have to say, if you haven't bought this and are not listening to it right now, you're a fucking idiot. My voice is honey. And I need the money.


When you find out that @Soulbow is a closet racist and hates handicapped people, and that his obsession with Siege is all a ploy to lure victims into his lair so that he can, and I quote, "Purify the human race":


Look guys: I've already been big-time famous. I mean, I'm actually Charlton Heston; I'm kind of a big deal. But you know what I'd most like to be remembered for? Being the first man to choke down eleven ham sandwiches at once. While in a bathtub. Erect.


Happy Birthday Dere, you beautiful, shit-stained bastard. Here's a fun fact for your day of playing Spider-Man and probably shitting straight into an adult diaper: your Birthday is on the same day as my Mom's.


Look at this steak: behold its majesty. There are none who can beat me at steak. I win at steak. This is my steak, and you cannot have my steak, for I am The Meat Master, and this is the Omega Steak; there will be no more steaks after this one.


I am now going to watch Anne of Green Gables in @RenaudB90's honor, that handsome Canadian scalawag. No, not the Netflix one: we're going full-on Megan Follows on this motherfucker. And yes, I DO own the 5-disc collector's edition.


As I was browsing the bargain DVDs at the Walmart, in my hat and trench coat, desperately searching for another copy of The Ten Commandments, I happened upon this. What is this? Have I been replaced, now? I'm going to kill you, Mark Wahlberg. Slowly.


Anyone else ever accidentally yell out, "Batman!", mid-orgasm because in an effort to not orgasm you were thinking about Batman? No? Just me? Great: the entire grocery store heard me; pretty sure I need to move now, or I'll be put on some kind of list.


It's always been a seemingly distant goal of mine to eat an entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting. I've tried before, sure; Costco sells them for $5. I think tonight I'll go for the gold medal: I have a whole $5, nothing to do, and the will to try.


What if I just perfectly did the "Thriller" dance for like an hour at a party, while no one else was dancing? Would anyone take me to the Hospital? Would anyone join in, ever? Gonna do it anyway, but I'm just trying to feel out how people will react.


I will now proceed to get drunk as a lord, eat part of a day-old gyro, and probably watch the extended version of Return of the King. I think I can sum up this day with one, horrible, shitty song. A song that should never have existed:


I hope I one day have the self confidence to grow a soul patch, look in the mirror, and say, "This is good, man. You're killing it with this soul patch." I hope also to at that moment find the courage to exile myself as penance for what I've become.


About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.