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Do you think foreign people know how stupid they are? Or are they too stupid to notice? Like Canadians, for example, or the French. Or French Canadians. This has actually been Charlton Heston, with your Thought For The Day. I take cash or credit.


 
 

Jalapeno poppers and sour popsicles for breakfast because I'm going to die eventually anyway, fuck it, let's go out corpulent, cranked to the nines on boner pills, and screaming about how the government is trying to take away our laser assault rifles.


 
 

Guten morgen, Destructoid! Why not get your day started with a nice dose of uplifting orchestral music? Or you guys could stick to your usual routine of crystal meth and hentai. Either works, I don't judge.

 
 

I have decided to blast Def Leppard at 6 in the morning with all of my windows open. I am an adult, I lost my damn mind years ago, and my neighbors can all collectively Pour Some Sugar On Me and eat my ass. Let the complaints come flowing. They arouse me.


 
 

I was wondering why @Soulbow hasn't been that active around here lately, but it all makes sense now. I understand you wanting to keep this from us, but you don't have to be ashamed, friend. Get well soon, buddy. You're in our thoughts. You can beat this.


 
 

Playing Deus Ex: MD, and holy hell, the facial animations and lip syncing. It's like watching a ghost possess a lump of silly putty and puppeteer it to do human things and make human emotions, but the ghost has only ever seen 2nd grade claymation projects


 
 

Another Birthday! This one goes out to my bud, my rock, and my partner in crime. I love you, buddy, and I hope you have the happiest of Birthdays. Happy Birthday, @The Actual Frankie Muniz! Oh yeah, right, and also: fuck you, @Soulbow, you're a cunt.


 
 

Times are tight, but if I fudge around with the numbers, I can afford one game for under $15 from the PSN sale. As such, I want to go in carefully. Thinking Pillars of Eternity, but heard good and bad things. Anyone have experience with the port? BUMP!

 
 

Happy Birthday, RiffRaff! If you were near, I would press you to my Heston bosom and suckle you with Birthday joy. Alas, you live in the giant grease fire that is New Jersey, and so you'll have to settle for my glorious visage and well-wishes.


 
 

Finally beat DQ11 today at 140 hours. Cried a bit as the credits rolled showing the different DQ games over the years, and I'm not ashamed. Something special about a series that's been with you over the years and is tied to so many memories, good and bad.


 
 

It has been a long week, and so I greet this day the only way I know how: by throwing celebratory slices of cheese off the balcony of my third story apartment, into the parking lot below, while waving to passersby. "We made it," I declare, beaming.

 
 

Who's up watching Tremors at 5 in the morning? This guy. Who's on his third cup of noodle? This guy. Who's asking himself questions and then also answering them on the internet? This guy. Who's probably going to die alone and unloved? Frankie Muniz.


 
 

Pictured: Mike getting into the Holiday spirit, the only way he knows how. We could all learn a thing or two about the true meaning of Christmas from him. Bless you, bud. #Blessedmas #Hashtag


 
 
 

Because my heart is without mercy or restraint, #Cursedmas; may it be laid bare for all to see. There is no escape, for this is the Great Doom of our age.


 
 

If I'm going to play Death Stranding, may as well do it right. I have named her Irene; she is an elegant lady, and I have not shown her my penis yet. We're waiting until our wedding night. Look at all of her pixels; her screen can barely contain them. Mmm


 
 

I bought a God damn thing and if it sucks I'm going to huff a bunch of nitrous oxide, paint my naked body with lamb's blood, and burn down a Hooters while chanting "Sic Semper Tyrannis," which will make about as much sense as most of Kojima's storylines.


 
 

Went through old stuff. Turns out, I had a massive, meaty, throbbing pant-stretcher for Barry Bonds as a lad. A calling, missed? Conventional wisdom says no, but I think it's time for me to start roiding and swingin' hard wood. Barry has shown me the way.


 
 

I love you all. Except for @Dere. He has failed me in the bedroom for the last time. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, bud. Or do: it'll be the last time anything I've touched spanks your ass.


 
 

I wear flip-flops while showering so I can take a piss without getting my feet covered in my own urine. I call them my piss flops; I am unashamed, and you can all go straight to hell, I reject your judgment, you filthy apes. Scrub-a-dub-dub, piss in a tub


 
 

Today is Dere's Birthday or something. Who cares. He'll probably shit himself when he blows out the candles. Gif might be related, who cares; I don't give a shit. I hope you at least manage to please your wife, one time today (Happy Birthday, bud!)


 
 

I fucking give up. Mike has stabbed me in my dick's heart. You win, @Soulbow. I stand alone. I will hold this bridge until I am cut down in a blaze of glory and desperation. None will remember me. I will fall where I stand, and there my body will remain.


 
 
 

Hey guys, check it out! They're giving trash away for free until September 3rd! Grab it while it's still covered in hot garbage juice and rat feces, and be sure to not play it! For every copy downloaded that isn't played, Soulbow loses a year of his life.


 
 

Is it illegal to jerk off while on a roller coaster if you're riding in the very back by yourself, and you finish before the ride does?

 
 

As a reminder, #HelpMike. I'll spam this all week if I have to until you fuckers pony up. Also, @Boxman214 is retiring from the BOB team. Give him a proper send-off: write a blog in his honor. And I will fight anyone who does not help Mike. That is all.


 
 

#SexySunday This was sadly the only pic I could find of @Wes on my hard drive, but it certainly makes my drive hard, and as a bonus, we have our boys @Soulbow and @Dere to make things... girthier. And some other jackass, I dunno who he is. Fuck that dude.


 
 

I have now watched the new trailer for Doom Eternal 10 times since yesterday. I need this game like Guy Fieri needs a bucket of deep-fried cookie dough. Someone please put me in a coma until November, and play this song into my headphones 24/7:

 
 
 

@Soulbow and I are about to play Dauntless together. Pretty sure this is an elaborate scheme to suss out my address so he can kill me in my sleep; despite my suspicions, this marks the first time that Soul and I have played a game together. Wish me luck.


 
 

About The Actual Charlton Hestonone of us since 6:46 AM on 12.24.2017

I'm actually Charlton Heston. What, were you expecting some purple prose? An overwrought introduction? Get off of my property, you filthy God damn hippie.

 
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