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Cheese Whiz: The Spread of Satan?

So this morning I'm looking at a container of cheese whiz, and the question enters my head. how do they make cheese whiz? i mean it can't be made like other cheese. It's easily spreadable, it's a slightly disturbing radioactive shade of yellow, the word whiz is in it name (which is a commonly used term for clearing the bladder aka urinating) and it seems to be able to hook children on it in only one sitting. So i came to the only possible, logical, conclusion.

It comes from Satan.

i know, i know, this is a hard claim for some of you to believe, with my dealing with the satanic side of our North American cuisine, it fits the profile of an aid of Satan. First, a comparison.

Cheese Whiz vs. Other Types of Cheese

Ok so mostly every kind of cheese come in some form of solid packaging. Cheddar, mozzarella, brie, all of them are usually in blocks of cheese. regardless of this, if there are put into peel sticks of cheese or slices of cheese, cheese always shares consistency. it's a non-spreadable solid. you need to either bite, judo-chop, or cut the cheese to harvest the cheesy goodness it holds within. cheese whiz, in the other corner, doesn't share it's qualities with it's other fermented milk brethren. It is a slime in reality. It hasn't hardened like the rest. This is because if has been fortified with the evil of Satan.

Cheese used as a weapon

Since the beginning of time, the need of self-defense has been a basic human need. From the threat of dinosaurs to the defense against highwaymen in 1800 Europe to the deterrent of terrorists, weapons have been made and used to maintain a respectable level of security and cheese is no exception. Cheese first made its appearance in the arsenal of the average man in a not-so-average scenario. When Europeans first came to China, one of the gifts the brought was a hunk of Cheddar cheese. The Europeans were invited to dine with the Emperor when the accident happened. in accordance to Chinese custom, the Emperor took a bowl of snake blood pudding and threw it into the face of the leader of the European group as a symbol of acceptance and honour. The European took it as the first blow of a food fight. What happened next was a clash of cultures. The European took the block of cheese and chucked it at the Emperor, hitting him in the neck and crushing his windpipe and severing the cerebral cortex. He died before he hit the ground. The Emperor's body guards quickly killed the group of Europeans but the damage had already been done. Cheese became a notorious weapon after that. It was the deciding factor of the Chinese civil war and it was the Qin, the masters of the secret Cheese-Throwing Technique, that won.

So on a daily basis the block of cheese has often been used as a good bludgeoning weapon. on the other hand, Cheese Whiz merely sticks to the enemy covering them. however, if throw into the eyes, it will instantly blind your opponent rendering them helpless.

Signs of Cheese Whiz's Alignment to Satan

-when opening a container, the screams of hundreds of millions of damned souls erupt from it in about 1/4 of a second. however without sound-sensitive equipment, the human ear can only define it as a "pop", a cunning ploy to make it seem like it's just a freshness precaution.

-the half life of uranium is 500 million years. Cheese Whiz doesn't show any signs of deterioration. This is because it is infused with the eternal evil of Satan. Jars of Cheese Whiz were also found unharmed in the devastation of Hiroshima after the Atomic bomb dropped.

-When put on an all Cheese Whiz diet, lab mice over a period of two weeks turned into scaly, green, horned creatures described as "demons" by the lab technicians. The "demons" had a tendency to sign Celine Dion and watch episode after episode of Richard Simmons exercise tapes, proving that they only hear the call of Satan

-Evidence of another Crusade lead by the Vatican has been unearthed lately by top American spies. The crusade done completely in secret has been ongoing for 6 years with Vatican operatives showing up dead with a "mysterious yellow ooze"

So in conclusion, don't eat Cheese Whiz, it will consume your eternal soul and make you a slave of Satan.
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About Tehmtnlionone of us since 10:59 PM on 03.31.2008

About Me:

I'm a 21 year old gamer from Canada who refuses to accept rational or logical explanations of all things. Armed with a large vocabulary and total disregard for morals and opinions, I fight for Justice. Or Destruction. Which ever gets me teh pwn.

Also, here are 10 things you didn't know about me

Games I've Played worth mentioning
Resident Evil Series
Shining Force Series
All the Sonics. ALL of them.
Command and Conquer Series
Fallout 1,2 and 3
The Elder Scrolls Series

A Genuinely Scary Story

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9

Other Stories I've Written

Risque Business
Monkey Business
The Chronicles of Niero
A Tribute to ZzFFTLzZ: The End of Douchebaggery
Skid Marks
Tastes on the Danforth: The Harbinger of Death
Didn't see that one coming
The Gross Out
Fear: Shit makes you run
You can't get out eggnog stains
Rage is the best investment
Stupid is as stupid does
Necessity above all else
The most horrific story ever told
Dunk-a-roos: Crack for children