I am sorry if this offends you. I'm even more sorry if it doesn't offend you, though. The idea for this piece arose from conversation between two silly people and, as something born from silliness, it is silly. I do not endorse gaming or genocide in any way. Unless there is money involved.
Now, let us purge on. You've successfully elevated yourself to a position of power through persecution of those damnable video gamers, and your Minister for Ironic Justice has presented you with solutions to the geeknerd problem. He has gone to the effort of assessing each for practicality, effectiveness, originality and enjoyment factor. Now it is up to you to decide: however will you wipe out the gamers!?
Precision Kinetic Bombardment with Italians
They are the soil o' the earth and one of the backbones of this country
. They are also aerodynamically flawed and ineffective projectiles due to inherent design flaws in composition and structure. To successfully kill or seriously incapacitate a gamer requires no less than a direct hit at high velocity. This method would require more or less one Italian per gamer, and with approximately 120 million Italians worldwide and many hundreds of millions more gamers (probably), it could not be recommended as a means to the gamer's end. The implementation would require relatively simple apparatus, but the sheer volume of Italians to drop would necessitate many sites to be built.
Fun factor: 8
Respiratory impairment via immersion in 'Mountain Dew'
A vile liquid frequently imbibed by many gamers, slowly dissolving them all from the inside. With sufficient time and quantity we could perhaps rely on a significant proportion of them to pickle themselves to death with the product, but the volume required would be much better utilised by drowning them in it. There are no definitive publically accessible statistics on Mountain Dew production volumes, but one can assume there are many many many millions of litres of it around. With seizure of these assets and utilisation of pre-existing liquid storage facilities a cost-effective mass extermination of the gamers could be easily achieved.
Fun factor: 4
Shafted projectile wounds to the Mid-Leg
For ten thousand years people have shot arrows at one another. They can be deadly weapons when notched to the bows of professional archers aiming at someone's important bits, so with the modern shortcoming in such training and our predilection for perforating patellae the lethality of this effort may be less than desirable. Mass production and distribution of bows and arrows will be simple, less so will be the amount needed to kill every damnable gamer. There should at least be the occasional accidental shot to the heart.
Fun factor: 6
Asphyxiation by Obstructive Testicular Alignment
This particular implement of impulse impairment is so common that practically one in every two people have them, though that ratio may be thrown off a bit when our grand task is complete. The desirability of using them in such a fashion may be less than pleasing, depending on the fight left in the victim. Chemical induced unconsciousness or physical restraint by others may be required, but it remains a cost-effective way to beat them at their own game.
Fun factor: 1
Induction of Inflammatory Disorder of the Intestine
Dysentery, or the bloody flux
, was once the scourge of many a pioneer. But with the advancement of modern medicine it is just not the pathogenic killer it once was. Extermination utilising this disorder would require holding facilities for gamers who've consumed contaminated food and water whilst the pathogenesis runs its course, which will be unhygienic and costly to maintain.
Fun factor: 1
Execution by Firing Squad from the Hip
Guns are cool. They're also fun, safe and just so American! Aiming is for pussies though, and when you're firing several bullets a second there's barely any need for it! Effectiveness of this method increases according to the number of gamers being targeted and proximity to them. Dispatching singular targets is ineffective. The bigger the machine gun (and operator), the better.
Fun factor: 9
Excessive Inhalation of Therapeutic Fumes
According to Doctors (and courtesy of HM Government):
- Smoking kills
- Smoking seriously harms you and others around you
- Smokers die younger
- Smoking clogs the arteries and causes heart attacks and strokes
- Smoking causes fatal lung cancer
- Smoking can cause a slow and painful death
- Smoking may reduce the blood flow and cause impotence
- Smoking causes ageing of the skin
- Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility
- Smoke contains benzene, nitrosamines, formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide
Disappointingly, these effects are far from instantaneous.
Fun factor: 3
Placement in regions prone to loss through rising Sea levels
Sea levels are rising (maybe)! Although Manbearpig is the more clear and present danger, it has been announced by scienturds that the dominant source of global warming is people. More heat means less ice caps and more water, which means less beaches and more drowning! Unfortunately, the rate of this rising is such that a person left to slowly drown in it would die of exposure, starvation and old age first. All at the same time. We 'd have more success in an estuary or Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.
Fun factor: 1
Vehicular collision while costumed as Elvis Presley
Vehicle speeds in excess of 30mph are often fatal for the pedestrians hit by them. Crank up the velocity and durability of the vehicle and this becomes a fairly efficient and easy execution order! Mass-production of inauthentic Elvis costumes is already a thing as well. Although it may take a few passes and the fast ones may need chasing down, gasoline is still relatively cheap. Especially for our glorious leader's armed forces!
Fun factor: 10
Aversion Therapy to video gaming streams using drug-induced Nausea
If the gamers can be effectively cured of their disease, they may be re-introduced (under heavy surveillance) into the population. If they cannot be, they shall be driven to their deaths by the newfound horror in their addiction. Implementing this will impractical due to the large amount of medical personnel and psychotherapeutic chemicals required, visual stimuli can be administered en-masse however.
Fun factor: 8
We await your decision, and anticipate their destruction.
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