…So all you fanboys out there, can you please shut the fuck up already?
I’m sorry, but I just had an old man moment, the equivalent of standing out on my front stoop and shaking my fist at the neighborhood kids to get off of my yard. I find it laughable that people are actually battling over the merits of the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 on online forums declaring a winner and all that dumb bullshit.
These are two systems that in the long run will probably carry the same 3rd party games that will practically be indistinguishable from each other to the naked eye and have a handful of exclusive first party games that will showcase the merits of each system. Do you like Halo
and Gears of War
? Then buy and Xbox One. Do you like Killzone
? Then buy a Playstation 4. Do you like both? Then buy both goddangit and leave me alone.
I remember the good ole days of console fanboyism. I hate to be the old fart that says that things were better in my day, but I’m going to say it, the fanboy wars between Sega and Nintendo were better in my day. It was the nineties, a decade that people literally didn’t give a shit about anything. In the eighties fashion and music were so hilariously awful that we look back and get all fucking misty eyed and nostalgic. But the nineties? Nobody gives a shit about the nineties. I try to think back about the nineties and I literally get sick to my stomach thinking back on the things that I thought were cool.
Excuse me… BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGRRGGGRG!
The early nineties were so bad that by the end of the decade, everyone literally threw up their hands and stopped giving a shit. We started listening to better music, but started dressing like hobos who sleep out of their vans and occasional bathe in a water fountain in the park. However, like I said, the music was better at least.
I’M GONNA BREAK MY RUSTY CAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
The nineties also had some epic battles between Sega Genesis fans and Super Nintendo Fans. I recall having some drag out nasty fights with my classmates about which system was better. We would tear into each other, really trying to hurt each other’s feelings. I vividly remember having a lively argument with one of my friends on why the Genesis was better than the SNES when another friend interjected about how his Turbografx 16 was indeed the best. We ridiculed him to no end until he sulked away. I really believe that my friendship with that boy ended that day, all because he had a Turbografx 16. THAT IS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING EVER! I wish I was joking, but that is the honest to goodness truth. Last I heard he moved out to California with his family. As far as I know, I may have scarred him for life over his Turbografx 16 and he’s probably plotting his vengeance.
It was also a different time for consoles. At that age, my friends and I depended on our parents to buy us a console. When you decided on a side and your parents got you the console, there was no going back. You were stuck for years. No one had multiple consoles, except that rich kid who has a Genesis, a SNES, and a Turbografx 16 and will also be a getting a Neo Geo. Know what else, fuck that kid.
This was also a time when the game libraries were vastly different. Cross platform games were not widely adopted except for EA Sports games. Choosing a console meant that you had chosen a very specific library of games. Mario was always going to be on Nintendo and Sonic was always going to be on Sega. On Genesis you had Streets of Rage
, on Nintendo there was Final Fight
. On Genesis, there was blood and guts, SNES had sweat. Genesis had “Blast Processing
” and Nintendo had the FX Chip
, and to this day, I have no idea what the hell each of these things meant, but it didn’t matter, because we used to rub that shit into each other’s faces in an endless fanboy flame war.
I questioned the virtue of someone’s mother because of this.
All good things must come to end however. After the SNES and Genesis, we got older and wiser. We still held allegiances, but the flame wars we had were not as intense. What console we chose now is more about personal preference than forming an unconditional allegiance with any particular brand.
I don’t necessarily look back fondly at the console wars of my youth. We said some pretty mean things to each other, all in the name of some corporation that in the end only cared about separating us from our money. So can we stop the animosity? Whichever console you choose, Xbox One or Playstation 4, there’s going to be great games on each. So everyone, please play nice and leave each other’s mothers out of it.
LOOK WHO CAME: