Humankind has accomplished a lot of incredible things during our history on this little blue marble of ours. We have developed languages, writing, tools, art and architecture, which separate us from our closest ancestors, the chimpanzee. Well, we can now add another accomplishment to the list, as we can now fuck our iPads.
Fleshlight has announced the Launchpad, ostensibly, a case for your iPad, which you can put your junk into. Don’t believe me? Check out this video below.
That’s one fine advertisement right there. I’m surprised his wife/girlfriend doesn’t dump him right then and there when she becomes aware of what he’s doing. Of course the video ends right before the awkwardness begins. How does one segue into having an intimate conversation with one’s partner to attaching an apparatus onto a tablet computer and then having simulated intercourse?
This is pretty creepy on multiple levels, and logistical confounding. First of all, what does the girl get out of it? Does she just watch and wait for him to finish? Is she supposed to grab her favorite toy and joy in herself? Also, how is a man supposed to use this device? Does he manipulate it on his wang while Skyping his significant other, watching a video, or simply looking at porn? If so, that is not a very good user experience, since the screen is going to be bobbing up and down. Are you supposed to lay it down and actually fuck the thing? Well, then you can’t actually see the screen very well, if that’s the case. All in all, this device, which you attach to your iPad and then pork, is not very well thought out.
According to the Fleshlight Launchpad site however, early adopters love the device. Check out some of these glowing reviews:
“The LaunchPAD takes watching POV videos to a whole new level! It feels like I’m really having sex with my favorite porn stars!” –JT
Except you’re not. You are having sex with an iPad.
“I love warming up my Fleshlight, finding some awesome porn, and going to town with the LaunchPAD.” – CAPTAINBEEFSTIK
Captainbeefstik, is obviously a connoisseur. With a name like that, his review certainly carries some weight and should be taken seriously.
“Stoya porn on your tablet + the Launch Pad + Stoya’s Fleshlight makes it feel like she’s really in the room! IMHO this is better than the real thing.” FLESHLOVER
I can assure, without a shadow of the doubt, Mr. Fleshlover, if that is your real name, that is NOT better than the real thing.
“I get out my Launch Pad whenever my wife goes out of town. Now I wish she’d leave more often… this thing is amazing.” –MONEYSHOTS
Let’s hope that Moneyshots’ wife doesn’t find that out, because she may be leaving town permanently, giving him all the time he wants to have sex with his iPad.
With glowing reviews like these, it’s pretty safe to assume that gaming will eventually become an integral part of the Fleshlight Launchpad. There will certainly be an eventual dating simulator, probably being developed in Japan as we speak, where your prize will be to bang your conquest. No offense to the Japanese, mind you, but they are the premier developers of dating simulations, this is the next logical step. Hopefully, it will include massive tentacle cock as well. That is if Apple even lets them, as it’s common knowledge that the folks from Cupertino are a bunch of boring prudes.
Also, now that Fleshlight has opened up the Pandora’s box, I wouldn’t be surprised to see an eventual attachment for an Xbox or Playstation controller. Both the Xbox One and the PS4 allow you to browse the web. Both systems even give you the option to browse in private, so that no history is recorded. It’s almost like both Sony and Microsoft wants people to be beat off to porn on their new consoles. Why else would you put a private browsing function on a game console unless you were going to be looking at and streaming nasty German scat porn from RedTube.com?
Personally speaking, I having nothing against using technology to satisfy one’s basic instincts. One of the first things that I do with any type of new technology is to see how well it displays pornography, because I’m horrible and have a depraved mind. Whether it’s an iPhone, a tablet, shiny new console, etc.… and let me tell you, the Xbox One and the PS4 both do an admirable job. It’s almost like the browsers on the PS4 and Xbox One were created to display porn.
I’d like to imagine a scenario when the engineers and programmers were showing off the browser functionality to the suits at Sony and Microsoft headquarters. Here’s the console displaying Google, CNN, Youtube, Reddit, and then being interrupted by a marketing executive saying, “Yeah, yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but does it display SororitySexKittens.com? WE NEED THAT FUNCTIONALITY! MAKE THAT THE PRIORITY!”
You know what we need? MORE PORN!
Hell, I’m getting more excited (figuratively speaking) just thinking about a Launchpad for consoles. Microsoft is seeking a reason to make the Kinect a must have accessory. Imagine strapping on a Fleshlight to your Xbox One controller and playing a pornographic game with the Kinect? This could be one of the few cases where a game truly is, “better with Kinect.” People would never leave the house.
Who's up for a 3-way!?!
Sony can get into the act too. Remember the ménage a trois from God of War 3? How cool would it be if you could just strap on a Flesh Light and actually participate? Extra points for lasting longer than 15 minutes! Or, what about Fleshlight with Project Morpheus? It’ll be like that scene from Demolition Man starring Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock.
Lastly, it would be amazing just to see the inevitable backlash from the mainstream media concerning a Fleshlight gaming controller? It would be totally worth it just to see some stiff from CNN, FOX News, or MSNBC trying to talk about this with a straight face having to say Fleshlight over and over again.
The more I think about it, the more I NEED THIS TO HAPPEN. It’ll be a train wreck of epic proportions. Will it ever happen though? No way in hell. Microsoft and Sony will never allow a company to release a game that is compatible with a male sex toy, but is there anything stopping Fleshlight from actually making a device that’s compatible with console gamepads?
With that said, I really do hope that Fleshlight does release a version for game controllers, and I would expect Destructoid.com to be the first to post a comprehensive review. I’ll offer up my services, because I have no shame. I’ll do it for the good of the community and posterity.