First off, I donít condone the misuse of controlled substances. One should only use prescription drugs under the supervision of a doctor, unless that doctor is named Dr. Feelgood, in which case, youíre not taking a prescription medicine, but rather smoking crack.
I was recently prescribed the pain killer Codeine, which is technically an opiate. How I came about acquiring said substance is a tale in upon itself. You see, Iím 6í4Ē tall, and when you are slightly above average height, you have slightly larger than average feet which can and will smash into things. †One day, at the office, about a year ago, I was walking through the warehouse reading some e-mails on my phone. In the walking path, a ďhardhatĒ left a pallet of product ever so slightly in the walking path. Not paying attention, and also under the belief that a pallet would not be in the walking path, I kicked the wooded structure with such force that for an instant, I contemplated hurling my phone across the warehouse, where it would hopefully hit the worker who left it there in his big stupid face. I was able to constrain myself and would have made my old football coach proud, by walking off the pain.
Broken Leg? Walk it off pussy.
A few days later, my toe was still sore, and I also noticed the faintest white line in the nail, which I believed to most likely be a crack. That white line slowly got bigger every week, until it covered my entire toe. Friends, it was time to visit the local podiatrist.
At the podiatrist, I was informed that I was suffering from a disgusting toenail fungus. Apparently, one way to get a toenail fungus is by banging your foot into something really hard. The nail separates from the nail bed for an instant, and that is all it takes for the fungus to set in.
The doctor prescribed me first creams, which after six months did nothing. Then it was time to try oral medications, which seemed to work at first, but the fungus quickly recovered. Apparently, your nail bed is like the Ritz Carlton for fungus. They have a well stocked mini-fridge, complimentary bath robe, mint on the pillow, and Egyptian cotton sheets on a luxurious California king-sized bed. The fungus checks-in and doesnít want to check out. At this point the only thing you can do is an ďextraction,Ē which is fancy doctor talk for ripping out the toe nail like your an American POW in a North Vietnamese prison camp.
ANESTHESIA HASN'T KICKED IN YET!
Did I mention my podiatrist is actually Vietnamese? I knew at the point I was in good hands. Her grandfather probably had the honor of ripping Senator John McCainís toenails out. She had a toenail ripping pedigree running through her veins for sure.
After getting a bunch of local anesthesia shot into my toe, the doctor commenced with the procedure. She first used a thin metal tool to dig underneath my toe and separate it from the nail bed. She then used what look like pliers to peel/rip the nail off my big toe. I asked if she would pretend to interrogate me while she was doing the procedure to make it feel more authentic. ďWHERE IS YOUR BASE!?! WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS?!? ďWHO IS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER?!? YOU ANSWER NOW FILTHY AMERICAN OR I RIP OUT NAIL!!! My wife who was there giving me some moral support thought that asking the good doctor to role play would be highly inappropriate.
She did let me keep the nail as a souvenir. Thanks?
When she was finally done, she gave me instructions on how to care for the wound and a prescription for Codeine. At first, I totally thought I was not going to need a painkiller as I didnít feel anything, but less than an hour later, the local anesthetic began to wear off. As my toe began to throb and burn, I begged my wife to run to the CVS and fill the prescription ASAP. I needed that sweet Codeine urgently, like a crack whore begging a pimp for some of the rock.
Thank god the meds worked quickly. The pain subsided and I was able to calm down and relax. I was also feeling pretty good about myself. I WAS CHASING THE DRAGON BABY! Well, it was actually more like a small lizard, or a newt, but I was still feeling the effects of opiates, for what itís worth.
The day went on as planned. I followed doctorís orders and tried to take it easy, laid up, on the couch, foot elevated. Had a good lunch, took a nap, had dinner, watched a show with my daughter. Things were good.
I hate to say it, but having a procedure like this is heaven for fathers. You have an excuse to be a lazy shit. Canít chase the kid, canít make dinner, canít clean up. Itís heaven really, and the wife canít do anything about it. So my toe feels like someone smashed it with the blunt end of an ax, it was all worth it.
Like clockwork after eight hours, the toe began throbbing again. Time for a second dose. The wife and daughter were already fast asleep. There was really only one thing to do, pop in a game and play while chasing the dragon.
How I pictured my game room.
First choice was Tomb Raider: Not as Definitive as the PS4 Edition
, but without fast pace action, I feared that I would quickly fall asleep. Maybe Battlefield 4
, I thought, but there was a very good chance the hamsters that power the EA servers were on strike night. I would probably fall asleep waiting for a round to start. Dead Rising 3
was a distinct possibility, but Iíd probably have horrible nightmares, made more vivid due to the medication. I settled on Call of Duty: Ghosts
The first thing I noticed after booting up the game and waiting for a round to start was how calm I was. Iím a competitive guy, played sports in high school and college, and before starting a multiplayer game, I had the same feeling before an actual sporting contest, even though substantially muted. My heartbeat would be slightly elevated, maybe a dash of anxiety for the game to actually start. The medication however made me eerily calm. I was like a stoic samurai, taking a shot of saki before battle, calm, collected, ready for deathÖ. Shit Iím falling asleep, I need to focus.
Iím a middling Call of Duty player. I never lead my team in kills, but Iím rarely at the bottom. I comfortably middle of the road. Under the effects of my meds, however, I noticed that my play style was very different. I wasnít sprinting through the maps like my normal self. I was being cautious, moving from point to point. For once, it was I getting behind the enemy, double tapping him in the back of the head. I wasnít raking up as many kills as I normally do, but I was certainly not dying anywhere near as often as I normally do.
As time went on however, my kill to death ratio started to even out. Then, the deaths started to over take the kills. Before I knew it, I was getting only a handful of kills. Everything was a blur and I was a sitting duck. My reaction time was non existent. It was time to call it a night.
The lesson learned? Opiates will help you, but only at the very beginning. Once the drug takes hold of you, you might as well give up, because you have no chance. It was fun while it lasted, but in no way do I recommend any type of competitive multiplayer while using opiates. Donít operate any heavy machinery either.
All kidding aside, this article should be taken as completely tongue-in-cheek. Drug abuse is serious stuff. I donít condone it and have known people who have suffered from it greatly. Joking about it is a way for me to cope with it. With that said, I hope you had a good laugh at my sacrifice. Now I must go and change my bandages.
LOOK WHO CAME: