[This was supposed to be my Playing With Others article but I forgot to unlock it. If you still care, enjoy.]
On PC, Left 4 Dead is a cornucopia of decisive thinking paired with frenetic gunplay.
The burgeoning enthusiasm of the Steam community coupled with mod support have rooted Left 4 Dead as one of the most distinguished multiplayer shooters in years. The 360 version, however, is a whole new ball game. Thinking as any human being without brain damage would is not worth your effort. You can see the words “Halo 4” written clearly above that dead hand! Eternal glory awaits morons, and I think we all know how glorious Xbox Live is.
Your decision to purchase L4D should boil down to one inquiry; do you like dead mutilated hands?
If so, feel obliged to slap down $60 on that motherfucker. The artwork on the game’s case communicates every aspect of Left 4 Dead. Every strategic element, every combat situation, and (most importantly) the game’s tight focus on cooperation is embodied by that image. After all, you commit to any product because if its label. Remember the Maple Leaf product recall? To hell with that, you bought those hot dogs in droves! Why not apply the same tactile purchasing methods to a $60 piece of software?
The first step to playing L4D on 360 is to never let yourself forget you can shoot stuff, a trade skill of immaculate worth that serves as an immunity totem from misfortune. Zoey get snagged by a smoker? Cool deal, you can just keep emptying clips and all your problems will evaporate. Exploit your niche and blow up the gas station as soon as you are given the opportunity to, even if nothing is damaged except your teammates. Absolutely no one else in the world knows you can do that, and your stunning ingenuity will justify every misstep you perform from then onward.
Do not use a mic, because you can‘t. 360 headsets are rare assets that value at thousands of dollars. Judging you for not using one is unreasonable considering every single 360 Left 4 Dead player ever bought a Core console that didn’t come with a mic.
Showcase your testosterone and shoot the witch point blank. The fact that this works about 2% of the time is negligible.
As we all know, fire does not burn. It will burn inhuman monstrosities hellbent on ripping you to pieces, but not you, for you are the master of everything!
Scurrying like frenzied lemmings is a sure-fire anti-tank strategy. Since the tank will always attack the loathsome cur who defiled his childhood (just wait, I’m getting to it), he will swat Louis like a fly and return to his home to finish that episode of Desperate Housewives he left unfinished.
And run god damn it, run like monkey fuck to the safe house of virtue! There’s candy and jewellery and kittens at the safe house! It doesn’t matter that you’ll have thrown away any significant point value into a pit. You’ll be too busy petting those damned adorable non-existant kittens. Complete ignorance is so cuddly!
Your primary mindset as a Hunter should always be to pounce at the survivors head on, in plain sight. One second of the attack animation will grant you an astounding 10 damage. Only 40 spawns and you’ll down each of the survivors!
Always crouch as a hunter. It makes you look all intelligibible and strategical! While playing, people may tell you to jump from far away for bonus damage, but just ignore them. The game didn’t go out of it’s to tell you you can do it, meaning it is impossible to do.
Your goal is to vomit on one survivor. Boomer vomit penetrates human skull and prevents the gears of the mind from functioning. Your enemies will fall to your knees!
Your explosion spans across the far reaches of the universe. You pay no price at all for being shot by the survivors.
Attempting to ensnare someone while below the survivors is a waste of time. In the mystical world of L4D, gravity is nonexistent and survivors you drag upward will wander aimlessly in the sky.
Attacking from the front is a viable tactic. Francis is incapable of walking five feet to shoot you square between the eyes.
As soon as you take control of the tank, cast out all preconceived strategic logic and concentrate your attention on your newfound ultimatum; smashing Louis’ face into tapioca pudding.
As a child, Louis set your house on fire, raped your mother, and decapitated your father in front of your very eyes. The meaning of your existence is to seize vengeance! Let no form of intelligence come between your goal!
Once you have exacted your revenge, feel free to bask in the gentle massage of the other survivors’ gunfire. You’ve earned it kiddo!
Should these tactics be explored to their fullest (due to my observations its definitely been going smoothly so far!) Left 4 Dead will thrive on the 360 for half a decade, undoubtedly due to the stimulating competition offered by Xbox Lives’ population.