Everyday at my school, I look around and find many students and teachers socializing amongst each other. Whether it is at the very first day of school, the very beginning of the day, while a teacher is teaching a lesson, when we are suppose to do work, when a teacher is annoyed and wants the students to be quiet for at least a minute, etc, etc, etc.....No matter what time or where they're at, they can never cease talking to each other. When they take one glance at a person they have the slightest interest in, they will just talk about the most random things to that person (such as, for example, what they do while on the toilet. I hear that a lot in my school, and I'm always like "What the f**k?"), and the person that was interesting to the talker will just mosey along the road and continue the conversation. I am consistently annoyed at those situations and always found myself a bit of an unsociable person...yet I still get jealous of the people that can practically talk to anyone. I'm basically the quiet kid that sits at the back of the class everyday.
Why do I feel jealous of the people around me almost everyday at school? Probably because that, once again, I rarely talk to people, and when I do, it is either very short or I find them disappointed with the conversation we were having. Sometimes when I am still talking to someone, he/she will immediately ignore me and head straight to someone else, talking about something utterly random. All of this makes me feel like an inferior and forgettable person at school, but it's not just the talking. I never hung out with another person from my school in my life. Literally. NEVER! I've always stayed home the time I come back from school. Why is that? Probably because none of my friends at school live near me, so I can never visit them and hang out or do other things that I wished I could've done with the friends I have at school. Not only that, but practically no one knows where I live. Why? Because the house I'm stuck in (literally stuck in) is extremely old, dirty, riddled with rodents and bugs, have many holes, absolutely has no air conditioning, have two people that I find extremely loud and annoying (not to mention that one of them is extremely rude to certain other types), and many other things that you would never expect in a house that is at least a little bit decent. All of this, and the fact that we are an extremely poor family, made me afraid of telling others at my school where I mostly stay at.
These make me feel like a total failure almost every time. A failure as a teenager who hasn't made the most out of himself and never took full advantage of these young years, and ironically, a failure as a human being sometimes. I never had a best friend (or I had one, but lost her when we moved to where I'm living at right now), I don't watch a lot of TV, I don't know about many celebrities, I NEVER HAD A CELL PHONE (lol), and many other things that I guess teens are suppose to care about. Even people you call "absolute geeks" in high school know a lot about many popular TV shows, keep in touch with the people they care about, aren't afraid to take the risks and fully express themselves, or have friends that do stuff outside of school. I have none of that. I do have only a few things, and that's being a lonely, unsociable, quiet individual. But that's when I ask myself this very important question: Is that always a bad thing?
Why am I like this? Why am I the quiet, unsociable person who doesn't hang out with others? Maybe the reason why I don't do all of these things is because I probably DON'T want to, and it's not because I'm totally afraid either. I imagine my conscience consistently trying to message me all these years that I don't want to go down that road, or at least not yet. I then asked myself "What if I did have a social life?". Although having a social life is a good thing, first I must think to myself if I can actually handle that. If I had people who can never shut up in class and kept bothering me by telling me whatever they have up in their mind, I'd probably go insane. I might be quiet, but I am a hard worker. I do not like to talk while I work or be talked to while I work. Also, if I had people that consistently wanted to hang out with me, then I have to continue to keep schedules of where and when I'll expect them to come or where I should go. Honestly, I'm pretty forgetful about that stuff. I'd also probably have to recommend some places to go and such. Uh, I'm never good at such stuff. Last time I went to the movies with my brother, I recommended Bruno when I never seen any trailers or pictures. Lord knows what else I'll recommend just by name.
Second, as a video game and music lover, I love spending myself alone doing such hobbies. I don't want my mom yelling "WILLIAM, YOUR FRIEND IS HERE TO PICK YOU UP AND WATCH FOOTBALL WITH HIM!" when, not only do I not like football (I love watching wrestling), I don't like being bothered at all when playing games or listening to music. When playing video games (especially RPGs with silent protagonists), I am drawn to that world. I represent myself as that character doing whatever I am suppose to do. Why the hell would you come to my house out of the blue and interrupt the process of me, as a deer, kicking the crap out of a polar bear who thought it was cool to try to slice my face off while I drink some water from a pond (Tokyo Jungle)? I am in a freaking city infested with a bunch of insane animals and I must think about my own survival and species, and you want to bother me, pursuing such a goal, just to watch a sport that can probably be watched again on Youtube?! I. Don't. Think. So.
All of this applies to me listening to music as well, except I imagine myself in a setting similar to the music I'm listening to. Point being, I just don't like to be bothered that much.
After imagining myself having a social life, I felt a lot better with who I am right now. That is being a loner (or introvert. Either one). It is completely normal. Now for the second and final step: Taking full advantage of that. In order to do that, I, first and foremost, definitely need to stop feeling depressed all the time. I'm alone most of the time, yes, but that doesn't mean it's an absolute bad thing. I need to make it a good thing. A ton of people on this planet is alone, and a ton of people want to stop doing that. I want to stop doing that, but probably not right now. No, definitely not right now. It's who I am and I accept that. There's also many people who never want to stop being loners and take full advantage of that by using the extra time they have treating themselves the best of their abilities. I want to join those type of people. It sounds selfish, but it's the best I can do for now. I'm not strong enough to take the risks of fully expressing myself to others, but I at least know that I WILL be. Just not right now. I'm gonna make the best of being alone most of the time for now. Besides, this also counts as taking full advantage of my life. Now, without further delay:
*This blog is mainly dedicated to an Internet friend of mine who committed suicide a month before this blog was published. I won't mention his name, but I will say that he went through a lot of unusual, yet awful crap that made him lose a ton of people dear to him and caused him to be a lonely person. I just wish that I showed him this blog before his decision to do what made his friends and family, especially his two sisters, become deeply saddened (myself included). Loneliness, if you didn't know already, is actually one of the main reasons why many, mainly young, people commit suicide today. I hope, despite my wording, that this blog will help others who are experiencing loneliness to not think of ever doing such a drastic thing. I also hope that this blog won't bother or offend anyone, as it wasn't intentional. I was afraid to publish, but I took the risk and published this anyway. Thank you.*
LOOK WHO CAME: