In light of Mr Andy Dixon’s moving blog
about how the cBlogs are going to make an attempt at being relevant again, I’ve decided that my first contribution to this attempt is… yes, a silly Top 5 list that has little to no shot at popping up on the front page (now that I’ve said this, Dixon might do it for lulz), because hey if Chad can do a bunch of Top 10 pieces
why cant I. According to others I’ve apparently been on a pretty solid run with pretty entertaining blogs I guess, so here’s my attempt to both continue that trend and also ruin it by making a blog that’s primarily for laughs.
On a serious note about this, I’m actually happy to see that there’s a renewed hope of keeping this part of Destructoid significant. You really shouldn’t need incentives like being front-paged in order to write quality cBlogs here, however the hope of being recognized on the front-page is still something very worthwhile and I have to say from personal experience
getting your shit on the front page just feels damn good. When I first came to Destructoid the community felt like it was a lot more involved and cBlogs popped up on the front page at good frequency (especially on slow news days). I guess it’s just nice to see an injection of retro-Destructoid.
Now anyways, on to the main topic of this blog – RoboCop. I consider this the companion piece to my other blog that talked games that would rock with Godzilla
. Everybody loves RoboCop… everybody
. If you don’t then you’re likely either a criminal or Dick Jones, or maybe that snobby bitch from RoboCop 2
who was desperate to be Bob Morton version 2.0. RoboCop
in my opinion is the quintessential 80’s action film. That might not seem like much at first, but when you think about it and remember that the 80s was the greatest era of movies ever
you realize what a grand compliment that is. But you know what sucks? RoboCop doesn’t get shit for love in the video game world anymore. The last decent game he was in was RoboCop vs Terminator
and that was back in the god damn SNES era. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about RoboCop, obviously
, but the fact that it’s been so long since I’ve talked about him and we still haven’t seen shit regarding RoboCop games means that I need to talk about this more!
And now, on to the awesome list with my amazing Photoshop skills.
5- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Get twenty-five kills = spawn RoboCop. Need I really say more? Like Godzilla
, a killstreak involving everyone’s favorite law enforcer would definitely make the game better. This wouldn’t be something where you just spawn a Juggernaut on a map either, you’d actually spawn as
RoboCop – complete with the burst fire Auto-9 (which in this game would one-hit-kill everyone) and the movement speed that’s just slow enough to make you wonder how he gets anything done. Oh, and you can’t knife kill him either since you are not Red Foreman and lack a giant metal rod to jam into his chest. Double oh, and RoboCop can pop out his data-spike and melee kill you with it. Triple oh, and RoboCop has always-on radar and all enemies are highlighted in green. Quadruple oh, you’re boned if you try to fight RoboCop.
4- Soul Calibur Soul Calibur
jumped the shark/nuked the fridge the moment Darth Vader showed up and his lightsaber didn’t one-hit-destroy everything, and you could argue that Spawn was just as damaging to the franchises “credibility”. So don’t even bother complaining that “RoboCop doesn’t fit in here though!” when it’s clear that Namco doesn’t really give too much of a shit about things making 100% complete sense in Soul Calibur
. None of the guest characters in these games have ever made sense and they’re thrown in there just because it was a cool idea to do.
Now your first question is very predictable and very understandable; “Why the hell wouldn’t RoboCop just shoot everyone?” Cervantes has a gun, why doesn’t he use it all of the time? Like I said, Soul Calibur
doesn’t really need to make sense. How come Siegfried can viciously uppercut people with his ridiculous person-sized sword and nobody ever gets sliced in half? See, we’re back to that “not making sense” thing. RoboCop could be another one of the Astaroth-like heavy hitter characters. He’d be reasonably slow (obviously they’d have to speed him up from his movie speeds) and do a nice deal of damage. His primary weapon would be the data-spike and thus he’d actually be a close range character, meaning he’d probably have a good deal of health to make up for the fact that he’d probably be eating a lot of his. Robo would probably also get some pretty neat looking battle damage after taking a few shots from swords and other weapons.
Robo would be another fitting member of Soul Calibur
’s not-fitting guest characters. Oh, and are you concerned that our eastern-based friends don’t truly understand RoboCop or that he’s really foreign to them? Hey, this isn’t the first time RoboCop has appeared in some form
over on that side of the world (also, did anyone else notice the Back to the Future III
music in there?)
3- LA Noire
Hey, RoboCop still has to do more than just blast people with his big gun (right?). He’s a cop so I figure he still has to do other cop things, like perhaps investigate and interrogate. With all of Robo’s fancy tech stuff in his dome you’d think they’d be able to take a good formula like LA Noire
and put a sci-fi twist on it. Honestly the one aspect of RoboCop that never gets utilized well is his investigative portion, all of the movies basically just have him kick down a door, shoot people, and then beat up people until he gets what he wants. Understandably this formula works, however you have to assume that at some point in time he’s going to show up at a crime scene after the crime is over right? Plus, if OCP truly built a cop-for-the-future you’d think he’d be the total package of detective-and-ass-kicker that would technically obsolete present day cops.
Plus interrogation sequences in this fictional game would be hilarious. Imagine the look on a potential criminals face when he finds out he’s about to be interrogated by a fucking cyborg with a giant spike in his hand. The police station would probably have a specially designed RoboCop interrogation room complete with a special chair that automatically cleans itself up after detainees shit their pants the moment Robo walks into the room.
On a more serious point about why this game would be neat – utilizing some of RoboCop’s functions in an LA Noire
type scenario would be pretty handy in solving crimes. Instead of having to remember (or sort through a notebook full of notes) what someone said during an investigation, RoboCop could just call up the video file of the interrogation/questioning itself (because anything RoboCop records can be used as certified evidence). 2- Mortal Kombat
I’ve already suggested RoboCop in MK
once before. I’m saying it again because hot damn it should happen. Before you scream at me that Robo doesn’t have any kind of place in this game, hear me out okay? The Mortal Kombat
universe already has cyborgs that have brains of living people (Cyrax, Sector) and they already have cops that can for some reason use their guns during a martial arts death match (Stryker, Sonya). How does RoboCop not
fit into this?
And if you’re concerned about story there’s always ways you can shoe-horn Robo into it (they made it work damn well with Freddy after all). How about this – RoboCop catches wind of the Mortal Kombat tournament finding out that it’s a series of unsanctioned death matches and that all of the participants are (or are about to be) vicious murderers. Bam – right there Directive 3 (uphold the law) is all up in RoboCop’s face, and the whole “saving Earthrealm by winning the tournament” thing probably falls under both Directives 1 and 2 (serve the public trust & protect the innocent). The Mortal Kombat tournament would attract RoboCop faster than Nicolas Cage to a paycheck from a shitty movie. Heh, one cool storyline twist could be that Shang Tsung turns into Dick Jones or the OCP CEO to screw with RoboCop’s hidden 4th directive.
The original RoboCop
film is also a pretty bloody affair too. There’s that awesome scene were ED209 blasts that one dude away for what seems like a solid minute
, or when Robo stabs the bad guy right in the neck and gets covered in blood. So he’d totally fit in with the gore that is Mortal Kombat
1- Grand Theft Auto
(or pretty much any open world game)
Okay, just listen to me on this one. Picture Grand Theft Auto
, but instead of being one of the crime lords or working for one… you’re RoboCop instead!
. You get to drive around in your awesome 80s Ford Taurus all day and stop bad guys from committing crimes as the best law enforcer ever. Crimes would just randomly play out in the streets similar to what you’d get in LA Noir
or those good open-world Spider-Man games… except this would be better, because RoboCop
. Of course there would be a main storyline to follow, the game cant entirely be Stay out of Trouble Simulator 2012
(or can it?), there would unquestionably be some main plot about a crime lord threatening to take over Old Detroit and likely some OCP corruption thrown in as well.
To keep gamers going there could be nice things like an experience system that could provide RoboCop with upgrades. Stuff like additional ammo, damage, enhanced armor, or cool stuff like the Cobra Assault Cannon (state of the art – bang bang) would definitely help when you need to get the job done. We’d have to make sure stupid shit like rocket-arms or jetpacks stay out of the game though, basically if it debuted in RoboCop 3
it shouldn’t be used.
Of course there would also be occasional silly things, like malfunctioning ED-209's once and a while that you have to put down too and occasional bosses like Cain or something like that. To be honest, I don't know why I'm explaining this any more... if you cant figure out why this is the best idea ever, you are clearly screwed up in the brain.
So there, 5 things that instantly become better when you add in RoboCop. This list can go on forever, no seriously it can because RoboCop literally makes everything better. Simply put, the world needs more RoboCop! And yes, I know there's a reboot movie coming out next year.
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