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Sassafrass McGee
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Tomb Raider review, yeah I played it late so stop crying new games are expensive

Well to start, Lara's boobs have been downsized to make her seem like an actual human being, rather than a pair of boobs and pistols. However, her titties still look motorboatable, and dat badonkadonkin' ass compensates for the lack of breast. Crystal dynamics managed to change her look, without completely alienating their fanbase, they've updated her without turning her into an unholy abomination like what happened with Ninja Theory's DmC.


The story for this is nothing really groundbreaking, your ship crashes onto the forgotten island of Yamatai, some mystical princess controls the weather, and some insane cult lead by Mathias, who looks like a fucking Disney villain, when he first shows up he acts all nice and shit, then he kidnaps your friend, I saw this coming from 20 gazillion miles away. The story's "twists" are so fucking predictable, you'll see them coming from ridiculously early on. In short, the story is uninspired, boring and just sucks dick.


This game does nothing that fresh in terms of gameplay, the platforming sections are just... meh and really aren't challenging at all. There all also secret optional tombs that you can find throughout the game, it is called Tomb Raider after all, these are just small rooms with simple puzzles and are pretty boring, I was just in in for the XP and salvage ( the game's currency) which you use to upgrade weapons, XP is used to unlock new skills. There are also puzzles in some of the main missions which are not too hard and boring as hell, don't get me wrong, I don't mind puzzles in games if they are done well ( I love Portal to death) but the puzzles in this are once again just... meh. When you're not platforming or solving puzzles, the game at its core is a 3rd person shooter, this aspect is done pretty well I guess, it's just a standard 3rd person shooter. There is also a stealth aspect, and this isn't too shabby either you use your bow to kill enemies silently and make use of cover to avoid detection, and you can even shoot arrows close to enemies to distract them, then while there fucking around looking for shit, you shoot the rest of those motherfuckers in the head, and by the time he turns around, your crosshair  should be aimed right between his eyes.


This game is gorgeous, and it does a great job at immersing the player, small, dark caves feel like small, dark caves. The sound design is brilliant, and the overall presentation is just fucking awesome. This is one of the best looking games out there, that's for damn sure.

[u]The Verdict[/u]

75/100 watermelons. This game is not worth full retail launch price.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention this game also has a multiplayer feature, it fucking sucks.
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About Sassafrass McGeeone of us since 9:09 PM on 05.27.2013

I get male ass like benches.

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