The last decade has brought a new age of behavior, gaming, culture, and nuances to our grasp of technology. Twelve years ago tabletop gaming was still thought of as satanistic, now hundreds of thousands of people in all social circles partake in electronic entertainment originally based on works such as Dungeons and Dragons or Lord of the Rings. As human beings we have the mental capacity to train our minds subconsciously to learn, perform, and practice different tasks of variant difficulty. You may know them as "habits".
Humanity as a whole has problems adapting fully without negative reinforcement. You may of seen evidence in your personal life reflecting this. Without the realization that our behavior is incorrect you cannot make the required mental adjustments in order to refine your behavior. This ties in with a theory on the younger generations. Specifically their methods of behavior during online games. I have named this mental condition "Popular Simple Game Syndrome", and it normally strikes males ages 16 to 30, though cases of both younger and female subjects exist. PSGS can normally be diagnosed by studying the subjects behavior both during and after a multiplayer competitive "match". If the subject is loud, making no sense, and claims to be much better than they actually are there is a 60% chance the subject may have a mild to severe case.
Records surrounding the sickness point to the early 2000's. Leading Experts have theorized that Starcrafts popularity was caused by a similar illness known as "Korean Starcraftmania", but for unknown reasons almost 75% of north Americans were resistant. Unlike other gaming disorders, PSGS does not seem to be limited by nationality, only sometimes by gender. This has led to theories of PSGS being creditable to a hormonal imbalance and therefore curable chemically. Alcohol however has been proven to amplify symptoms of PSGS patients.
PSGS is prevalent in players of the following online multiplayer games: Call of Duty (And all of its stand alone expansions), Starcraft 2, MOBA games (DOTA,Bloodline,LoL,LOCO,ETC), and other team based games. PSGS is becoming a rather large menace to the lulz, but also a minor generator of the lulz by their condition. By investigating this condition we can learn enough to cure it. By curing PSGS, Humanity has effectively gave natural selection a punch in the mouth. At the sacrifice of the lulz potential we can invent even moar technology to troll with.
The longer PSGS is left untreated the worse the condition spreads. PSGS is seen as proper behavior, and one by one cliques succumb to the PSGS patients peer pressure. The condition impairs logic and tricks the subjects brain into rewarding hedonism.
There are ten known symptoms experienced by a subject diagnosed with PSGS. The average subject will exhibit a third, but major cases may show half or even all listed symptoms. Likewise, minor cases of PSGS can exist; but are much easier to cure. Minor cases may exhibit one to five symptoms. Almost all symptoms will be observed during a thirty or more minute session during a fast paced multiplayer game, or directly afterwards as part of gloating.
1. Delusions of Grandeur: Subject will claim to be extremely good at the game, and see's them-self as infallible. Any advice given by them is likely wrong or supported by moonlogic. The player will act cocky, annoying and loud.
2. Over-focusing on Communications: Subject may have tunnel-vision or single concentration and may be an visual learner. This player will require players to alert them of objects on the radar they can plainly see
3. Refusal to comprehend alternate viewpoints: The subject cannot adjust their personal beliefs. Like cultist mind control, this is a basic symptom. This player will make many snide comments that coexist with 1
4. Reliance on cheating: There is no way possible a subject with this symptom can be expected to ever fight fair. The odds are stacked against you. He picked the strongest character, on the map where he has a better advantage, and he possibly hacked the game to give him godmode. More common in MOBA gamers, especially LoL and GunZ
5. Alcoholism/Addiction: Self explanatory. The subject relies on chemically killing their brain cells. And is cool because of it. Prevalent in younger patients.
6. Sexism/Racism: The ability to be a "good" gamer blurs the patients ability to treat all people equal. This is seen as cool by the patient and will be unable to be swayed by logic. Patients can be treated of this symptom by being sold into BDSM slavery. They will thank you for it later, or strangle you.
7. Irrational hatred of police: Commonly says "Fuck the police" or assumes the police are all evil. Patient likely has a criminal record and thinks being an asshole and doing your job are the same thing. Subject is terminally stupid, treatment has a much lower chance of succeeding against the sheer amount of mental blocks that exist in the subjects brain.
8. Lazy: This is one of the later developed symptoms. The patient begins to procrastinate and possibly abuses downer drugs. Some PSGS patients have however been able to cure themselves through meditation and introspection, by realizing they have a problem and sincerely trying to better themselves.
9. Obsession with graphics: Everything has to have better graphics. EVERYTHING. Subject irrationally craves a videogame that looks exactly like real life and is unable to enjoy gaming history. If the patient can understand they have a problem, by forcing themselves to broaden their horizons they can very swiftly aid their recovery.
10. Impatience: Common symptom. Patient is unable to wait a long period of time for gratification. This has a direct link to the subjects immaturity.
Several cures have been reported to work, but due to the flexible nature of the condition the cure must be specialized to the case. Some patients can rationalize their situation and begin to better themselves, while others have succumbed to their condition and are much more difficult to treat. Their brain actively sabotages any attempt to cure the condition, and an intervention may be required.
Over a hundred gamers are diagnosed with PSGS every day. By diagnosing and curing this illness we can work our way to a brighter future. The internet as a whole will be able to have nice things again. The lives of the cured patients would also be improved a great deal, and will go on to better the world.
-Professor Conflarigon, MPhys.D.
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