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Electronic Arts Discovers Cure for Cancer - Yellow News

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Trip Hawkins, original founder of Electronic Arts, announced at a press conference earlier today that EA has discovered the cure to cancer.

Hawkins begun the press conference with an apology: “After many years of underhanded business actions, which even to casual observers have been cruel, I would like to offer my deepest apologies. We have made trillions over the last two decades on the back of exploiting the consumer base, a consumer base that each of us are a part of. It has genuinely hurt us to see what we’re doing, with near-resignations and resignations occurring with our negative effect on our community as the primary reason.”

The founder then announced all the “billions upon billions, trillions” of profits have been secretly syphoned into a cancer fund. “We at EA honestly barely get any actual income, after the cancer fund we tend to live on between $20,000 and $40,000 a year”. After over two decades, since 1995, a cure has been found for all forms of cancer. “Our researchers found that by rewriting the corrupted code in the source of the cancer, the rest of the cancer would be rewritten from this fixed source.”

While Hawkins was asked about the price, he responded that while a price could not be confirmed, that it would be “near negligible and affordable”.

He was also questioned why he kept it a secret for so long. “If we revealed our original plan, it would have definitely affected our income. Investors wouldn’t want to invest in a company that wasn’t creating a lot of revenue after the lab costs, and consumers would see us as a charity than a publisher which would lower sales. Our plan was to maximise income at all costs so we could fund research as much as we could, and I believe we achieved it.” Queried if what he did was fraud, the founder of EA responded by saying: “It is quite probable we have, as we have deceived people, but we’ve always felt it was a risk worth taking for the millions of lives we can better and save with our cure.”

The press conference ended on Hawkins commenting “we’ll see if we can roll back on some of our less ethical behaviours now since our goal is complete, maybe even those loot boxes [chuckles].”

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Yellow News is a satirical series, involving not only making fun of videogames and their culture but also making observations/points about it. I'm sorry if the above satire piece caused any offense. 

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About Riobuxone of us since 5:18 AM on 03.23.2013

Hey, I'm Riobux. I joined Destructoid a good deal back due to Podtoid when Jim Sterling, Jonathan Holmes and Conrad Zimmerman used to do it, and when Phil & Spencer did the Destructoid Twitch channel. I'm a Sociology With Psychology graduate who has a particular interest in videogame culture and the creation of videogames. These days I just punt out recaps, but you can also find me creeping around news story comments.

When I'm not here attempting to act like a civilised being, making odd jokes only I snigger at or being way too late with posting recap, I can be found on Bagogames attempting to ramble as a previewer/reviewer.

You may also find me working out how the hell the new strange world of social media on Twitter works at @Riobux.