It has recently come to my attention that many rumors are flying around about the WiiU. "It's got too many development issues" said one anonymous source to Eurogamer and Digital Foundry, hiding in the shadows like the cowards they indubitably are. "That's a load of gopher testicles" replied others. But no one even knows who they are , (Renagade Kid? Never heard of them!) let alone if they're trustworthy.
And, as it is known to do, the internet caught fire as people the world over started arguing over who was right, and who was wrong. Friendships were ruined, long-standing alliances were shattered and families were torn asunder.
So who is right? The answer: NO ONE. They're all wrong. It astounds me that, even a year after launch, no devs have truly figured out the secret of the Wii U, nay, all current Nintendo systems! Thankfully, after fighting off Nintendo's private army of corporate Ninjas, I can take a few minutes to reveal their dirty little secrets.
It's simple, really. Most devs make the mistake of assuming the WiiU's (Indeed, any recent nintendo system's) power stems from terraflops and CPUs and GPUs and RAM like any other system.
But enough about EA, let us end this silly masquerade! Let us sample the secret sauce!
Here is Nintendo's dirty little secret, and here is where the lies end!
These little bastards are what makes the WiiU tick. I know it sounds crazy, but I have proof! Nintendo kept their secret well, but a blind spot exists where you can see the Pikmin at work:
It all makes sense now why 3rd party devs can't get the most out of the system! Pikmin run the whole show! And ask anyone who's ever played a Pikmin game befeore, and they will tell you: Pikmin are retarded as all hell. The daft bastards can't even follow me across a bridge in Pikmin 3 without falling into water and drowning, imagine trying to function as an organic, hive-mind computer! No wonder those clueless devs manage to fuck up their ports so often!
And yes, this means you have Pikmin 3 running on your Pikmin
As for why Nintendo can get such good results from the system, there is an even darker secret behind that.
The Pikmin? Slaves. Every single one of them.
"How is this possible?" you might ask. Easy. Their leader sold them out. Went corporate. Betrayed his own people. They know him as the Alpha Pikmin.
We know him as...
And there you have it. The truth. The entire, filthy, sickening truth. And the next time you hear a dev bitch and moan about how the WiiU isn't up to snuff, just remember.
Those Pikmin died for your gaming pleasure. You monster.